Thank you Gina for the book idea. I am going to see if they have it at my local library. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and I just want to get to the other side where there is light rather than dark.

Well this morning I’m still struggling what I should do. I’m listening to all of your advice and I know it’s probably the best thing….but my heart is hurting still so much. I’m sitting here typing this at work about to break into tears. The knot in my stomach. The ache in my heart. And the uncertainty and constant thinking in my head. This morning I kept thinking of the questions I want answers to…then I’d say ‘ what is the point? what am I going to gain from this?’. I want to know what he meant by going in different directions. Why was he always so back and forth all the time. Is he wanting to go thru life just dating random women? Or is it just me he doesn’t want. So I ask myself if I do go and ask these questions, how is that going to help me heal? I would most likely have to go over to his house…and the idea of having to walk back into that house, with the familiar smells, and the dog running around, and him there makes me feel sick to my stomach. Knowing that I am walking in there not as his girlfriend. Too many memories in that house for me that I am trying to put behind me. Part of me says to go and do it, get it over with and deal with it. The other says “sweetie, you are not ready”.

Thank you for the nice replies. Everything that was said was all true. I have had low self esteem my whole life. That’s why I settled for the man I married…afraid of being alone. I live in Illinois about 30 mins from St. Louis but I’m scared to drive over into Missouri. Afraid of getting lost (even though I have a GPS) and having that anxious feeling. I don’t have a lot of friends that I hang out with. And the ones I have have their own families and lives. I live in the past so much that it’s hard to plan a future because I’m always thinking about what I did wrong. I’ve been at the same job for 16 years and for the last 5 it has been really slow. So much that I really only work about 3 hours of a 40 hour workweek. So it gives me too much time to sit and think and look on FB. When we were together I was always wondering if he was cheating so I’d try to figure stuff out by facebook. Even though my job is not challenging and doesn’t pay enough, I haven’t had the guts to get out and find a different job because it’s all I’ve known and I don’t like change. Financially I’ve been struggling for the past 3 years so that doesn’t help matters either. I’ve started back to school to change careers but of course am afraid of having to find another job even though I know it’s for the best….so afraid of making the wrong decision because I don’t have anyone to fall back on for support.

Right now I wake up every day with that emptiness and lonely feeling inside me. I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t have children…and it has been within the last 2 years that I am regretting that decision. I am going to be 40 next month and while it may be OK with other women to start a family at this age, it isn’t right for me. So I have to live with that. It does make me different. While everyone is going thru their lives focused on their kids and their lives I am sitting here with myself. And I obviously don’t like myself very much. When we were together I focused on us and what we were going to do. It filled my days and nights and kept me occupied…even though it was still making me unhappy, I still had that to hold on to. Now he’s gone and I feel like I have nothing to grab on to for that focus. I miss him every day and with all the bad I still want him back. That makes me a weak person. I’ve seen a counselor for the last couple of years off and on. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I want to know that what I’m feeling with this everyday sadness and hurt is normal. It’s only been a little over a week…so I feel like I should be granted this grieving time. I don’t want to get stuck in this though. I don’t want to end up like my mom who never got over the death of my dad 26 years ago and she is lonely and miserable. I don’t like my life…and that is the root of the problem but I don’t have the courage to fix it. I’ve been reading a book by Susan Piver called “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart”. Read it the first time he broke up and now reading it again. I’ve tried doing the meditation and I can’t quiet my mind. It doesn’t seem to help. Everything reminds me of us. The Florida trip we just got back from is constantly in my mind…what did I do wrong? He said he had hoped getting away would help us. But he didn’t do anything to let it work. All the things I’m running through my mind of what I should have done and should have said drive me to exhaustion. I miss him and I don’t know how to stop missing him.