Hi there Marcus,

My name is also Marcus S, what a coincidence, or seeming more than just a coincidence since I am exactly working on what you are facing.

I understand your pain. The fear that you can never trust whether what you want is truly what you want, you are sick of the ‘trial and error’ phase where you have wasted far too much time, resources and effort only to find a dead end at the end of the tunnel. All these failings, along with your brother’s dreamlike situation of pursuing your dream, makes you fear that you are lagging behind your brother. It is a very scary and depressing feeling. I get it. I’ve been there. For me, I realized that I was lost 2 months prior to graduation, all of these happening while my younger sister gave up her 5k/month modelling career to pursue a degree in dentistry, it seemed painful that a supposed role model like me in her life was actually in regression relative to her, a younger sibling.

The good thing I noticed though, is that you feel strongly about things you do in life, looking at how you quit a football camp because you didn’t see yourself going through it without destroying yourself internally. This will be your key to finding your true career path, as ironic as it might seem to be a obstacle in your life. Use it wisely.

Ultimately, what matters is what you think of yourself. You talk about major decisions feeling like ‘life and death’, I’d like to offer a counterpoint where what if you had a solution to put as much as odds in your favor that your next major decision is going to make you LIVE (as opposed to dying), would you take it? Only you can answer that for yourself.

But if you are ready to take that step, I’d suggest that you start using your gutfeeling to help you find your path as it seems to be relatively strong… Only this time, rather than experiencing first hand, map out your possible interests and the possible opportunities available to you. I want you to imagine you, working in those scenarios, do you see yourself staying in there for long?

What are the conditions like? Who are you interacting with? Is it low-communication job? What hours are you working? What are you exactly doing in your job? What do you not like about it?

These are all but a few questions that you need to start asking yourself about what you want to do in the future, finding a career path that is authentic to you, that liberates you, requires holistic deliberation on your part rather than the usual ‘follow your passion and everything will be okay’ mantra parroted in the web (not here, I acknowledge that this is a great site and an exception).

If you are interested in exploring this further, I have actually written a detailed guide of how to ensure that the next step that you take in your career search will be the one that is most authentic and well-informed for yourself. You can find the link here: https://page.co/0jpK

Hope this helps, if you have any further struggles, concerns or questions to share, feel free to reply here. I will be here.

Marcus S