Bob,

Thank you so much. I’m really taking everything you just wrote to heart. You understand. I do feel like I’m on the right path, my practice is deepening everyday. I’m actually starting to see the struggles and sufferings I’ve experienced, which I used to resent and carry a lot of anger about, as absolute necessities to get me to where I am now. It just gets difficult to navigate societal life at the same time while all of this is happening within.

Diarmaid,

That was so beautiful, thank you for sharing that with me. I’m not used to seeing negative emotions as something that is or can be “positive.”Sometimes I come out of meditation and my underlying mood is worse and I cry, and I don’t mean a few tears, it is like the my dog just died sobbing type of crying. I do feel release afterwards but the moods linger sometimes too. Sometimes I’ll go to sleep afterwards because I feel emotionally drained or I’ll just feel numb or spaced out. I just don’t know if it is progress. It could just be that I can’t see how this can be progress either, coming from the prospective of someone who has been depressed for a lot of their life. Very strange happenings.

I went to a meditation center this past weekend, and I bought some books. The more I read and learn about meditation and spiritual practice the more I feel kind of overwhelmed and I don’t want to say “ashamed” but I suppose I see a lot of my faults and it sucks! Some of the concepts of Buddhism are very hard to swallow.

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your kindness, it has helped me.

Humanoid,

Thank you. I will check out the videos. And I feel like “blah blah blah” is an understatement of my mind! I know the meditation will help and has helped, which is why I’ve stuck with it. I’m just afraid…you know? Its new, the feelings are unpleasant.

Thank you. I definitely feel different. I’ve felt a lot of feelings that I don’t think I’ve experienced in this (new, I guess you could call it ) way in my entire life…not just with the meditation but because of all dramatic shifts in my life too. I just feel different, almost like I’ve woken up for the first time in my life. It is all very confusing and scary, and not knowing what I want or what I want to do next in unnerving. Its like I’m meeting the real me for the first time if that makes sense?? There have been a lot extreme lows and aha moments. I’m starting to learn about acceptance and resistance. And fear, jeez…might as well be my best friend. I don’t know that I expected meditation to make me feel better necessarily but I’m not sure if it’s just making me more aware of a lot of buried sadness & pain. I guess I’m wondering is this normal?? to feel raw and over time become familiar with the emotions enough to be able to observe them without reacting so strongly or getting overwhelmed & stuck in them. I just don’t know A LOT and like all things in my life I’m probably overthinking this too…*sigh**

Bobbie,

Thank you so much. Everything you said struck home for me. I agree with everything you said, and it makes me feel relieved that you understand what I’m going through. I was thinking (and crying, again) a lot today, trying to ‘figure out’ my anger, and I have to tell you it HURTS and it SUCKS. I absolutely hate feeling like this. But my feeling are real, they are valid, and it is also okay for me to feel them.

I don’t want to blame my ex and say everything is her fault. Yes, her actions hurt me but I forgive her. I get angry and some days it’s easier to paint her as the villain, but that isn’t helping me. It also just doesn’t feel right because it doesn’t align with the kind of person I am. I don’t hold grudges or hold hate in my heart, and I never want to. It’s just the pain and disappointment that I feel. I want to feel compassion for her, and I desperately need to feel it for myself even more.

When I asked whether it was my fault that I got hurt, what I think I was getting at was what you talked about with boundaries. I don’t think I set boundaries that honored myself in that relationship. That makes me feel pathetic and embarrassed sometimes. I just can’t believe I allowed some of the things to happen that did in the relationship…but then again, I did give my heart fully to someone else and that is BRAVE. I believe in love, and I give everything for the people I care about. I just gave my heart to the wrong person. Heart wrenching lesson to learn (and honestly I hate having to learn it like this) but hopefully I can feel grateful for it some day. I want to. Emotions are just so raw right now. I’m all over the place a lot of days still.

Thank you again. I feel like I was speaking to a close friend reading your replies. You really have helped me.

I’m 27. And I don’t know that I’m all that smart because I let someone hurt me so badly and I’m just realizing all the terrible lies they told me. I keep thinking about all the horrible things they did to me and all the lies they fed me, and it makes feel full of anger…but really at the end it’s just a lot of pain. I’m in disbelief that a person who claimed they loved me could ever do such things. It makes me feel shitty, you know…

I’m weak and I hate myself right now.