Hi am gonna go back to the starting section again since something happened on that part again and i need someone to help me.. I’m terribly confused. I actually started behaving weird with this guy and kept on hurting him saying that this wont work and tried to get away from him for continuous 3-4 days that’s the longest i haven’t spoken to him as of now/. I go back to him like a puppy. He on the other hand.. says what we have is not for sex.. we haven’t done anything so far.. its just understanding each other and being there for one another. He checks on me periodically he lives in US and i live in India.. Still we have been in touch for like 2 years now. We share ideas, talk about general interests.. i like him so much.. but on the other hand. i cannot live like this all through my life via online and that too with a married man. even though he has issues and he says i understand him and so and so..he cannot come out of that life to me neither will i want him to. he is just a good pal. And since im alone most of the time I’m unable to have self control and stop texting him or be strong in cutting contact with him.. i deliberately cried to him one day to block me.. and not text me or reply to my messages.. He says its me who has issues and so why he should go.. Karma wise i feel like hurting someone when he really needs help if he finds peace in talking to me i feel selfish to spat im out. But on the other hand. its my life which is going through lots of crap… there are some days where i had to share some stuff to him but he wont be there.. and i have series of episodes of fights with him ruining his sleep and peace. clearly im just looping this without ending.. he wont let him go im unable to let him go.. i dunno whats gonna happen here.

I dunno where to start its gonna be too long but please bear with me.. As a baby i was never raised by my mother and mostly grew up with my grandma and grandpa.. I was diagnosed with this rare condition of shigellosis when i was 1 and a half i guess and underwent major abdominal surgery twice at taht age and had to be in post operative recovery till i was 3 since my grandpa was a doctor he took care of me and my medicinal expenses.. I was told that my father dint even visit me during that operation by my mom’s sisters. So.. I grew up looking up to my grandpa as my living hero because he is, he saved my life what else do i need. and my grandma she would bring the whole world down to me if i ask so… she loved me that much cuz i was the first grand daughter in the family. My mum was their first kid and she had 2 sisters and a brother.. So that was my home. I never did knew my father well till i was 3 years of age. The first time i was ripped off from my grandparents and taken to my father’s hometown cuz basically didn’t recognize my parents after a while and my father started panicking i would forget them once an for all.. that’s how good my grandparents took care of me. I was sent to school and i remember my mother was very abusive in my kinder garden she would hurt me physically to vent out all the anger she had on my father and her in laws. i used to get terrified around her. If i don’t write neatly or be playful damn im done. My skin would be torn off by her pinching and slapping.. I don’t remember my father hurting me at this age. I would always score first in class else i would be terrified by the abuse.. Meeting my grandparents was my only fun. My father was a air force personnel and he took voluntary retirement just to attend to his family since we were all falling apart and was jobless for quite sometime .. so we were not very rich or anything. But i always used to understand them and was not very demanding for anything i was always silent playing with my doll and stuff. (or so far is what i remember) Meanwhile my mom has to go back to my grandparents house for delivering my younger brother and my father don’t want to send me with her (i dunno if it is because i love them more or he really did care about my studies when i was 6)and he took care of me for around 6 months i guess. He is generally very short tempered man but until this point he was very good to me i don’t remember him abusing me until this point. But his own siblings gets terrified about him he is such short tempered..he abuses my mum a lot as i said earlier.. And so my mum came back with my little brother and he was center of all attention in my father side of the family and i was literally non existent.. very simple things which never happened to me was given to him especially by my father.. During my birthdays it was considered to be lavish to buy a cake they wont.. but for my brother all birthdays were filled with cake neighbors big dinners etc., etc., the fool i was i dint even know that partiality then. But i was still the princess for my mum’s parents.. i would travel alone to go to their town once the exams are over at that age, my grandpa would come and pick me in the bus station that was like disneyland for me.. Meanwhile one day i swallowed my teeth in sleep. 🙁 it happens right u dunno what happened even before u realize teeth is down the throat.. Innocently i went and said this to my mum and dad.. I dunno what rage my father was in .. He took a cane and blasted me out flesh and blood… closing the room door not even allowing anyone inside the room that’s the first time i saw that monster.. and felt so bad and ashamed to face my cousins who are my age he was like this super strict. He wont send me anywhere.. neither anyone should should come to our home.. No playing outside is allowed
he thought he is bringing in discipline in my life and literally killed my childhood. At this time he stopped sending me to my grandparents house for all holidays.. i have to excel in academics too.. else i will be caned for that also.. even simple fights between my mum and dad would result in me getting hurted physically either by mum or dad.(contd..)

OMG there u are yeah i will…Thanks for replying.

What to say Anita! I am away from my house and parents for the past 8 years. They did too much injustice for me that i want to move away from them to save myself.. I ended up talking to strangers like this who wants to use me as a result of my loneliness so that i can share my burden which turned out to be real bad idea. I have gone through lot of sexual, physical and mental abuse but have managed to come out of it with the help of my friends and living a self sustained life. Yes i have been carrying a lot inside me which i cant mention publicly here due to privacy. But i feel your words are giving lot of comfort and clarity to my mind. I have cut contact with this guy now for more than 2 weeks now. I want to open out more with you so that i can get a good resolution for most of the problems i have been carrying around.

Hi Inky, yeah i dont have the quality of rejecting people im end up being too nice with them they start to think they can walk all over me. i know that but i am unable to come out of it. You plan seems to be awesome. I’ll definitely give it a try. Thanks for your kind words.