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DriftwoodParticipant
Hi Sammi-
Your feelings are very normal. Especially since you are being verbally attacked – no youâre not too sensitive. And if you were âtoo sensitiveâ, what of it? Doesnât that mean that the offending person should lay off? That would be the cue a normal person would take to stop. But as we know, youâre not dealing with a normal person. Something in me still says to me that you need to look your mother in the eyes, and say, âMom, this is abuseâ. Very, very simply. Explain it to her yet again, and that it is NOT normal. And hold your ground. Donât let it go off into tangential family psycho-babble nonsense. It is often very difficult for people who have been abused to recognize this. Maybe thatâs just out of the realm of possibility..but maybe??
Keep in mind that you are not the same person you were when you were in 7th grade. You are evolving and have new coping mechanisms either in place or under construction. There is intention in the things you say, and a determination that couldnât yet have been there back then. In a way I think going to your natural hair color could be seen as an interesting exercise in returning to Sammi, âunpluggedâ, or âun-coloredâ.. See how it makes you feel. Dying your hair is a valid form of expression but does going ânaturalâ make you feel vulnerable/exposed?
Iâm glad you feel this is a safe place for you. As I mentioned, when I read your first post, I heard a highly intelligent, talented voice shining through everything you wrote – and very simply I saw a good person in a bad situation. Your insight and awareness of what is going on at home is exceptional. This awareness, and the fact that you have reached out in such an advanced way while still at a young age means to me that you will really be able to turn things around for yourself. I know two people who were sexually abused. Older now, they are both okay, but one really turned it around for herself, and one kind of did but didnât really. And if you ever want to go into that Iâd be glad to share both scenarios with you for whatever theyâre worth.
Also, thereâs no way I feel like Iâm âputting upâ with a âpity partyâ. I had been reading Tiny Buddha while going through my own personal crisis. When you reached out I felt positioned to be able to help because a) Iâm 54 and have been through and continue to go through a lot b) Iâm the parent of a 16 year old, get along really well with her friends, and hear a lot of whatâs going on, i.e. cutting, eating disorders, assholish parents, etc.. So I felt in touch with what youâre going through and felt I could bring something by lending you my ear and opinions. And it brings something to me as well to know this is helping.
On another note, while going through my own crisis, Anita, unbeknownst to herself was a great help to me even though we never addressed each other directly. Iâm always amazed at how succinctly she puts things that I would have taken three pages to express, and also her exceptional perspective and insights. So, Anita, if you’re reading this, hereâs to you!
Also – Tangent warning- I had originally put my own name on when I set up and account but there was an IT glitch that we had to figure out since it was using my complete email as my name. It was both dorky and mildly invasive to me. Thereâs a line in a movie called The Year of Living Dangerously that goes âI help those that are put in my pathâ. That has become my personal philosophy, and I felt the name Driftwood had a both a zen like path-crossing randomness and also a lost and found quality. But as you know my real name is Mitchell. Either or, all good.
Oh yes and one more thing since Iâm on a âzennishâ note – One of my daughterâs friends who is trans had a major panic attack in school the other day so today a small group of friends is going to a zen buddhist center this afternoon to try meditation. Thought youâd find that interesting.
-Mitchell aka DriftwoodDriftwoodParticipantHi Sammi-
Wow – Sorry I’ve been out of the loop as I was away and working for a few days. Things had seemed to be quieting down with his abusive behavior, but now they seem to be picking up again – in fact, it sounds like they are back where they started in the very beginning- in terms of the things he’s saying – but not in terms of the way you are handling them. I know they ruin your day, which is exactly his point, and while it’s an emotional strain, you do have more and more of a perspective on him. Don’t fault yourself for taking things in too deeply – remember he is an abuser and is trying his best to get to you.
I understand how hard it is to defend yourself against him since, feeling powerless in his life he’s constantly vying for a power position, but just remember that the things he says have NO BEARING ON WHO YOU ARE. He has such a deep sense of failure that he’s busy projecting that on you. I’m wondering if in the talks you’ve had with your mother (not the ‘family meeting’ ‘bull’ ones) if you’ve been assertive enough with her about just how abusive he is. Have you tried that and also communicating some of your insights regarding him to her? Have you communicated to her very clearly that she’s in an abusive situation when you’re alone with her? And that she’s putting you in harms way? I know we’ve touched on this and I understand if you haven’t/can’t. But either way it is her responsibility to keep you out of harm’s way. You have every right to be really angry.
So sorry- I had wanted to talk about the creative stuff like your painting.. Let’s get to that when we can. Meanwhile…how to deal with the immediate situation.. You’re getting the soundest advice from Anita, of course..
Write back soon.
-Mitchell
DriftwoodParticipantDetecting patterns is pretty much what I meant when I talked about hovering above it in the Sammi traffic-copter. It means you are at a slight âremoveâ from his behavior and can see it all too clearly for what it is. I think this is a major step to having it affect you less.
You already have good insights into his bad behavior. It sounds like his life is pretty âsmallâ to have all that energy to devote to tearing down others. I see âno one standing up for youâ as more like âno one can deal with himâ when he does this kind of stuff.
Sooner than you think he will just be a âpebble in your shoeâ (a phrase a friend once said to me that I like), and will have no real effect on you whatsoever except as a minor annoyance.
I think the Charter school will take on a momentum of its own and change things up for you. Like anything it will be what you make of it, but having this outside energy and focus in your life will also give you some added distance from the current situation. The more distance you get on it, the more perspective. You are already gaining on it.
I can already see a slight shift in the energy between you and your mother (might seem tiny to you, but the beginnings are there). Believe in tiny miracles.
Yes, the drag queens will be there next year. I can almost guarantee it.
Sammi, I really think you are doing all the right things. You reached out in a really healthy way. You have good intuition and are very perceptive and I think these are going to get you to a place you want to be.
I really like that painting â theme and composition. Itâs very engaging.
Give yourself permission to be proud of ALL of the above. I really mean that.
-Mitchell
DriftwoodParticipantHey Sammi-
Yeah, Thanksgiving isnât always the easiest family time, for the very reason that itâs supposed to be. There can be all these âholidayâ / âfamilyâ expectations, with everyone on different pages which ends up being emotionally charged. Thereâs a reason I went to see friends rather than go to my sisterâs this year. But it sounds like you came out of Thanksgiving relatively unscathed and indeed actually gave yourself some much deserved âtaking care ofâ. In its own little way, thatâs big.
Ok, thatâs cool about the Charter school. No big thing about the tour – you donât seem to need that.
Your behavior is not weird and cowardly. Itâs a natural reaction as you try to defend yourself as best you can in this given situation. Remember – good person bad situation. I am sorry that this situation makes you shrink inside and feel like you want to disappear, but I understand completely why it would. Again, itâs not fair to you that you have been made to feel this way. Read that sentence again. And again, youâre a kid (though it might not feel that way to you) and as a kid, you shouldnât be made to feel this way. Itâs not you.
No matter what he meant by âjust usâ, donât you think itâs a babyish statement? I mean what kind of grown man, whether itâs about her colleagues coming over for dinner and/or her daughter being there would say that to his significant other? (Wah..Wah..Wah..Why canât it be JUST USâŚ) Abusive people often impose an element of isolation on the ones closest to them in just that way. I think I may have mentioned this way back in the early days of our posts.
Speaking of which, maybe Iâm being way-way-way premature here, but the other thing that is threatening to abusive people is seeing someone make a move, no matter how small, for their own good even though itâs the personâs right. Remember thereâs most often a dose of low self image in the mix of their abuse, so the idea of someone else doing something self-affirming and constructive can threaten and get them pissed either outright or passive aggressively.
Do you think thereâs a possibility of him getting aggressive about the Charter school? Preying on your vulnerabilities (which he helped create) by saying something belittling? Trying to âkeep you in your placeâ as he sees you doing something affirming for yourself? I ask this question now, no matter how premature, so maybe you can âsee it comingâ. So rather than being a bug on his windshield (SPLAT) as he careens wildly down his familiar road of abuse, or feeling hurt, angry, defensive or bitter, you can get in the the Sammi traffic-copter ahead of time and watch him drive down his usual âDukes of Hazardâ road with a slightly removed view from above. Sorry for the bad 70âs TV metaphor. I try to keep it entertaining since we talk about such heavy stuff. Youâve probably never even heard of Dukes of Hazard, a truly sucky show I never really even watched as a kid.
But seriously, does this make sense to you? Do you think you could kind of âsee it comingâ and as such be less effected by it? Can you envision getting a bit of distance on his bad, pathological actions and seeing that they are UNRELATED TO YOU? Kind of see it from above?
Good and well needed to ramble at someone til 4am (even though I get annoyed when my daughter does it and we have to do something the next day and sheâs bleary eyed all day then falls asleep on the couch and canât be waked). Getting out of the house for a sleepover and a fresh or slightly different perspective is good for you, exhausting though it may be.
DriftwoodParticipantHey Sammi-
Sounds like your sleepover and just hanging out does you well. Sometimes just stepping away from a âsituationâ is really important even if itâs just for a little while.
Ok, where to beginâŚbear with me, Iâm linking up a series of disparate elements in this letter since its been a while.
Kick and Pet, that wee small link in the chain of abuse. It doesnât come from nowhere, but from a lack of trust which has come from being emotionally violated. As I said, I know it well, and yes, to me it could sometimes feel more natural in some ways. Why? Because it provides some kind of âcomfortâ â but itâs really a form of protection as it preemptively closes the door before the object of our affection has time to reject us (a wee slap that says âthere- I beat you to itâ). I know I mentioned all this before. But hereâs the thingâitâs a reaction to other relationships and might not apply to the person in front of us right now. Iâve noticed that it runs in my family too and I in turn have ended up hurting girlfriendsâ feelings for no good reason. The bad thing about it is that it closes the door in the face of the other person and kind of stops a little bit of affection from flowing. It has taken me a long time to learn this.
So applying a bit of âfake it til you make itâ to kick and pet, might mean consciously expressing a tiny bit of heartfelt affection to someone without the kick.. Do it for yourself, just to see how it feels. Remember the recipient of kick and pet doesnât necessarily know where itâs coming from, just that it feels crappy.
Artwork and general being-
INDEED – You should take a decent amount of pride in your artwork (as well as your writing) It is a great forum for you and your skill is apparent and will only build over the years. My mother spent a lifetime learning about composition, going to painting classes and art exhibitions and exploring for herself. Like any art form it means a lifetime of learning.- but thatâs the joy in it. I grew up surrounded by her paintings, often consisting of lone figures expressing dark or âstuck â emotions that for some reason as a child I vaguely felt responsible for. Why? Not sure. Maybe because I was the last kid, a âsurprise, and after the nightmare of raising my older brother and sis, it was clear that in some ways she would have preferred some more painting time instead of another kid. In truth some of her work was linked to her inner emotions and some of it was just telling a story that had nothing to do with her or me or anyone for that matter.
It is good that you have both means of expression – art and writing. I also like Anitaâs suggestion of writing very simply in certain personal circumstances to express your heartfelt emotions in the most basic way. I have seen too many artists and writers camouflage their problems/ hide behind their artwork without addressing their own issues.
My hope is that you allow yourself to feel the same kind of high esteem for yourself as you do via your artwork. That you value yourself for yourself. Sounds obvious, clichĂŠ and corny but itâs not, especially when we havenât had a lot of affirmation from those closest to us.
I am very serious when I talk about giving yourself the pat on the back for baby steps, or for starting to consider the charter school or whatever. Helping give you a good feeling about yourself with increasing consistency. Not just feeling good through your art work, but about yourself. Building self esteem is a skill to be learned like anything else, and itâs really easy to let it slide. It takes vigilance.
Someone just said to me that you have to perform âstop and friskâ on yourself to make sure youâre not carrying any low self-esteem weaponry on you. (Did you google âstop and friskâ?)
As for your mother, I am getting the bigger picture. But I do still think she wants the best for you. Someone also just said to me that sometimes the people charged with raising us arenât the best suited for the person we happen to be. So that might play into this as well. Not sure if she understands you completely.
So where do things stand with the Charter school thing now that youâve mentioned it? Is there a way you can take a very preliminary tour and get a feel for it? Scary, yes, but sometimes scary is good as we move on..
Iâm also wondering how things have been with Momâs bf. Has he settled down somewhat in his abuse? Is it effecting you a little less?
Lemme know! I hope Thanksgiving is good for you. I am away at friendsâ but will be checking posts!
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Driftwood.
DriftwoodParticipantHowdy-
Just a quick note. I keep trying to find a little cafĂŠ time to respond but I’ve been dealing with all those other grownuppy stresses – work (or short supply of) and a host of other shit and now am catching up on work.
A few bullet points for the moment:
Yes! About the Charter school. Scary is good. Give yourself a small pat on the back (I say small because if I say big, you might not do it). Seriously. Just putting it ‘out there’ is a big deal. Text yourself a smiley face, or if you can’t handle that type a colon followed by a close parenthesis. Baby steps must be rewarded even in the smallest most insignificant (to others) way. Go on, I dare you.
Interesting art work! – more about that shortly.
Getting a sense of the bigger picture i.e. with Mom etc..
Two questions (which will seem like out of nowhere):
Do you know what ‘Stop and Frisk’ is?
When you’re in a big crowd, i.e. a shopping mall, do you feel like you’re absorbing everyone’s ‘energy’ like static on a radio and is that what gives you the bad feeling?
Ok, those are the headlines.
Later.
-Mitchell
DriftwoodParticipantHope you’re having fun this weekend, Sammi. We can take up our thread (my last posted a bit above) whenever.
DriftwoodParticipantHi Sammi-
A semi brief letter here..in response to where we left off and beyond.
You are doing a lot of really constructive work here – so when the time comes for the âSweet Escapeâ youâll have some emotional âtread on your tiresâ. The things you are uncovering and expressing are really important in terms of moving forward.
By opening this dialogue you might find youâre slowly filling in the blanks or bad things with good things. I noticed you referred to yourself as an artist somewhere – and rightly so – integral part of who you are. Iâm thinking you got those 4 canvases for a reason since a lot can be worked out there as well. (How is the digital piece coming? )
Accompanying all of this good work, and part of âfilling in the blanksâ can be the minor âmiracle;â of motion. I know its not easy and thereâs a lot of internal back and forth, but I do sense your instincts moving you toward the Charter school. Even if itâs more of a theory right now, there are the beginnings of movement. Itâs important that you give yourself credit even for the tiny things..aka baby steps.
Do you feel a bit more distance on the âsituationâ? The tantrums though at times passively aimed at you having absolutely nothing to do with you? It sounds like you are gaining on it.
BTW- by saying you might resolve things with your mother, I didnât necessarily mean closeness. I realize the current living situation makes an âapproachâ to her kind of impossible, but Iâm wondering if maybe during this coming year a bit more mutual understanding between you can be set up⌠From certain things you say, I do sense that she cares and is trying (in her way) to approach you. True? Not true?? Do you sense that she respects your insights and values your opinions on things (even if sheâs stuck in her current relationship)? Or no? Just wondering..
Itâs funny – when you talk about the playful picking on someone form of expressing affection – the same was done to me by my older sister and it is something I carried with me for a long time. I realize now that itâs a kind of fear – a sort of âdisclaimerâ that says – Iâm going to show you affection, but Iâm not going to give you the chance to reject me so Iâll do it preemptively. A small link in the chain of abuse..
We all deserve an uninterrupted flow of emotions (expressing and receiving), and that that kind of stilted family dynamic works its way into relationships. A friend of mine calls it âKick and petâ. It is good to become conscious of it and start weeding it out of your life. How? By expressing little bits of affection where you feel itâs safe (start with dogs! They’re the best people!) and see how it feels for you, if in fact it feels like a more natural âflowâ. Baby steps count.
Thatâs it for now – still reeling from the electionâŚ
-Mitchell
DriftwoodParticipantHowdyâ
You have a lot on your plate, as they say.
One thing is that they really push kids into decision making way too soon these days. As a reference point, my daughter and many of her friends have been totally freaked out about the college thing, (big tears, existential crisis) for one thing because they started pushing it in middle school. Looking back (not to be all like âIn MY dayâŚ.) things were not like that at all, and you were kind of âshepherdedâ towards the college thing closer to when you were a junior. With my daughter we couldnât discuss the college thing because she felt pushed, not ready, and also was like âWe have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, but they want us to decide our entire futures right now.â So we laid off it for a while, and like I think I mentioned she recently saw a place that was a little like the charter school you mentioned. They donât go by grades. You create your own curriculum and do things as intensely as you want. Nonetheless they are very respected academically. Also thereâs a ton of financial aid available. It kind of turned her head. If and when you are interested I will find their link.
The reason I wrote you the long letter describing what I do (Iâm not as busy as I would like to be, by the way) was not so much about âmyselfâ but to kind of give you a bigger picture than where youâre at now and to let you know that indeed there is a place for creative people in the world and itâs not quite the stretch you might think it is from you current vantage point (which by the way is going to change greatly over the next year or two). There are a lot of options.
I just want to make sure youâre not (metaphor warningâŚ) âpiling the boxesâ in front of the door when you no longer have to; i.e. when you are out of the situation youâre in – which is right around the corner. Itâs normal that when youâve been in a âsurvivalâ situation, and gotten used to âstacking boxesâ for your own self-preservation, that once the situation/threat/abuse is over, you still reflexively âstack boxesâ in front of the door. Only now, its the door of opportunity, and you donât feel like you are able/deserve to go for something good. But you are/do.
So if it seems like I am suggesting you consider the charter school thing – I am. Provided that you feel up to a challenge. The reason being is that it wouldnât be a bad thing to introduce some structure in that way, especially a structure thatâs at least a bit on your terms. Something to think about/ explore and see where you land with it all.
Getting out of your situation can feel like âThe Great Escapeâ (old movie) at first. But it might get old fast, mean a string of waitressy, Walmarty jobs, etc..
Iâm not suggesting you âconform to societyâ but rather that you start exploring getting things a little (just a little) on your own terms⌠terms that YOU value and that will support you.
None of this is easy, even for us ‘grown-ups’ (a ridiculo term as you probably realize).
Idea for some baby steps: on your own terms, explore and do the things that mean something to you. Creatively etc.. Start to explore/value your creative skills and find ways in which they are affirming to you. Also your people skills. I can tell that your friends value your opinion. Really put full faith in yourself, and if you find you canât or are âstacking boxesâ, ask yourself why. And again sort through the âjunkpileâ until you at least understand your reasons/blockages.
Iâve had a lot of cool and quirky creative friends who have had to do a bunch of odd low-down jobs (Iâm one of them) and I know some creative people who have done things that gratify them creatively. And the ones who do something (even if itâs doing lame ad layouts for a crappy bargain paper or lettering layouts for a sign shop) even if itâs part time, are much happier because they get to call on those inner resources and skills which is nourishing.
Mind you Iâm NOT pushing you into making decisive decisions about the rest of your life, but rather introducing the idea of exploring things on your own terms..
Also, I have a feeling you might be getting into a better place with your mother over this next year..(?) more on that another time..
Cheers.
DriftwoodParticipantHi Sammi-
Won’t have time to write for several days, but let me just say that it really seems you are gaining ground on your situation. You are certainly reaching out in a good way. Fake it ’til you make it can work wonders sometimes just to get you over the bumpy ride to a better place. Will write soon. -Mitchell
DriftwoodParticipantHi Sammy–
Sounds like things are starting to shift/change for you a bit already. For one thing, by the description of the un-evolved âape thingâ I have the impression youâre actively starting to sort through the junk pile and toss things into their respective categories, gaining a little distance in the process.
So you looked back and realized you havenât drawn for a while. This is normal since âsurvival modeâ is not exactly conducive to âcreativityâ. Now that you are actively in the process of getting things in perspective regarding the âape thingâ and other issues you might find a little bit of a creative spark cropping up for you here and there. I know for me my creativity goes into hiding when bad shit is happening, and it takes a little while for it to peek its head out again. But if you have it somewhere it will never really go away as itâs a part of you.
So a bit about this âcreativeâ thing, at least a start. Yes, creativity or inspiration or the drive to produce comes and goes. True for everyone whoâs blessed/cursed with creative impulses. Firstly, for our purposes here, letâ s not call it âcreativeâ per se. Weird but when Iâm not feeling particularly âcreativeâ, I think of it as my âcreativityâ. When Iâm being super productive writing or shooting a video for work, it feels more like Iâm just using my skills. Though the end product might be considered âcreativeâ by people on the outside, from the inside, itâs just hard work and building/using my skills and natural instincts.
So that said, Iâll tell you a little bit about my inner âcreativityâ then about being hired for my âcreativityâ aka creative skill set, and just what that reality is (in the world of grown-ups), then how it could potentially pertain to you now and down the line as creative person.
First â I was always creative. Always writing stories and plays and film scripts and other things as a little kid. My real inner-inner creative drive is a search; a search for some kind of essence or deep meaning and I donât even know what that is. Itâs very abstract, more of an âexplorationâ that I canât really explain, but itâs a drive and itâs really there like a living person in my life. Not always easy, sometimes painful, but itâs always been and always will be.
Now nobody is going to be hiring me for my own personal âsearchâ. But over the years I have built on that inner creativity and incorporated other skills. In my case those skills (that I worked up to) have been producing and directing videos for companies. Lots and lots of videos. Some of them the most boring videos you have hopefully never seen in your life, like explaining proper dosages of heart medications to doctors. I have literally put clothespins (they use clothespins on the set to hold fabric up) on my hands while directing some of these videos just because I didnât want to be the first director in history to fall asleep at his own shoot. Sometimes they are slightly more fun, like semi-funny take-offs of stupid TV shows or movies or other really tacky stuff. This is the way corporate America communicates with itself.
But I love doing it because even though it doesnât have any âdeep meaningâ for me, I get to use my creative skills. It builds my creative muscle which really helps when I actually do one of my own projects that Iâm really into. My daughter says I can give anything a plot, meaning a beginning, middle and end, which I suppose is something I have learned from this. So when someone comes to me with something to communicate, I look for the story in it and then âflesh it outâ until it becomes a narrative.
Hereâs the reality of how this goes: Someone from a companyâs âmarketingâ department comes to you with what they need to convey. âWe need to tell the world our shoelaces are the greatest.â So I figure out how to tell the story. Sometimes Iâm the writer, sometimes someone else writes it and I produce or direct it. Nobody on the creative team gets too invested in it since the reality is that once you come up with the perfect idea, the marketing guy (who doesnât have a creative bone in his body but is about to launch the biggest shoelace campaign of his career) will want to add his âideaâ which sucks, but you canât tell him how bad it bites since heâs actually the client. So you say, âok, letâs see how that worksâ, and you stick his sucky idea in somewhere adding a slight improvement that he can take credit for later. In the end you might think itâs sucky but not quite as sucky as you first thought.As they say in the business âno babies diedâ, and everyoneâs happy with the way youâve told the shoelace story. And the fact is youâve taken something potentially deadly boring and actually made it interesting.
Youâve actually gotten paid for lending your creative instincts and skill set to something. And sometimes they are actually meaningful, cool things (not just shoelaces or heart medications) and they don’t suck at all. What I have really learned from it all that I apply to my own work is how to be flexible and unattached to an idea if itâs not working. How, as Stephen King puts it in his book âOn Writingâ to âkill your darlingsâ, those ideas you thought were so brilliant and splendid but in fact are not helping tell the story.
This opportunity at non-attachment to my own ideas and also, doing something productive helps me justify my own personal painful âcreative searchâ and helps me not take myself too seriously. And in some ways itâs easier than working on my own stuff â and then I can return to my own stuff feeling kind of refreshed.
A lot of people do this kind of work for all kinds of things – graphic arts and design for print, photography, copywriting, copy editing, video editing, musical composition, you name it. And who are these people? You know, us creative weirdo misfit types with bumpy childhoods and creative instincts who are always on the verge of getting our lives together⌠Actually some of the greatest most talented people Iâve ever met, several of whom I now consider close friends.
Creativity âevolvesâ with you. So what might seem like a tiny thing now or a weak little flicker can actually be just the seed for something that will grow with you as you develop those skills.
Okay, so letâs back up a bit out of the ridiculous immaturity of the grown-up world of shoelace manufacturing and see how this could pertain to you and your current situation.
Like I say, really start placing more value on your skills/abilities/creativity. (I donât allow myself anymore self-deprecating jokes about creative pursuits because even though we think theyâre sarcastic, they kind of âsinkâ in and we create our own negative reinforcement). You wrote that you would be âhonoredâ if someone were to hire you for your creativity. Well, itâs not out of the question down the line so maybe start thinking (donât put pressure on this or it will backfire!) about what that thing you would do might be.
One great thing that just happened is that you mentioned the charter school. I was going to talk to you about a very cool and open format college Iâve heard about but it actually matches the description of the charter school, so letâs talk about that for now. I think your instincts are telling you maybe to try this. (My instincts were telling me about the college for future reference for you but this is even more relevant to now). And I think it could be a really great thing. Yes, there will be challenges, but there will also be really reinforcing things for you there. And it sounds like a flexible non-uptight environment and a step out of your house.
Remember, facing challenges is a giant scary and wonderful thing, not easy, but you will get a lot from it. You have been facing so many challenges at home- could this be worse? I donâtâ think so, and I also think it would give you some good reference points for your life, a new perspective that will eventually outweigh the other negative reinforcement that has been surrounding you. Youâve had to make your world very small to deal with the surroundings, and getting out of your comfort zone can be a very scary thing, but sometimes scary is good. You could use some fresh input in your brain. And baby steps are ok! I still do them!
I have the feeling your mother might not object so much, since she is also searching for an answer for you in her head, but as we know is overwhelmed by her own situation. And maybe you counselor can help you advocate for this with her?
Keep thinking about moving towards this⌠Think about it while walking the dogs. Dogs are excellent healers on those walks that buy you a few minutes of freedom out of the house (despite being pains in the ass at the end of the leash).
Let me know what you think/feel about this!
-Mitchell
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Driftwood.
DriftwoodParticipantHi Sammi-
No need to apologize for writing back late. This is your oasis with several people here for you, and I know how slammed you are since all the teachers in all the school systems now seem to have a general inferiority complex and phobia about not giving enough homework.
Your wit and intelligence really shine through your writing and I think this year of being 16 is going to be a turning point and bring about some changes both inside and out for you. For one thing, I think âteasing apartâ this giant dreadlock of an abusive situation into its various elements (momâs abusive bf, absentee father who wants to reunite in some way leaving you feeling âtoo little too late..âetc..âŚ) will make it all more manageable, and soon, believe it or not, you are going to look at this abusive person almost from a distance – and his shit wonât be able to touch you. I know it isnât easy.. but itâs going to happen. (Not knocking dreads, btw.)
Think about it this way for a second – the abusive boyfriend has not been able to touch your intelligence, has he? Not from the voice I hear shining through all of this. Why? Because he is not as intelligent or self aware as you are and deep down youâve always probably known that in some way (am I right?). I mean kids have the best shit detectors in the world. Up until now, heâs been an âadult figureâ to you, (though in his case the word adult doesnât exactly apply) an abusive one, and this has taken a toll on your natural (normal) sensitivity and inner soul – why wouldnât it since, again, remember, youâre a kid, and âunder constructionâ. Things have been dumped on you in a giant emotionally unstable junk pile that youâve had to pick you way through on your own – so of course it would have an effect on your inner life and outlook.
So now, in the spirit of âgood person, bad situationâ itâs time to sort through the junk pile and separate the metal from the plastic, the lazyboy recliner from the truck tires or whatever junk-laden metaphor you can find.
In separating all this crap, itâs very important to start seeing his abuse as separate from yourself. I know itâs not so easy since heâs âactiveâ in his abuse towards you and knows the triggers, but try little by little to see his actions for what they are, as if you were floating above and looking down through the ceiling at the family dynamic in the house.
I imagine your mother is conflicted inside because she does âloveâ him for what itâs worth (and like I say, that relationship has its own push-pull dynamic). That and her personal history keeps her in it. She does love you and just doesnât know how to make it right – especially with this other person pulling her in all directions. So be it. Yes, sheâs a flawed person like all of us, but I donât sense a bad person there, and at some point down the line you will probably have a talk about this all with her. Probably with no or little resolution in the beginning⌠but at least youâll discuss it. I also had a parent who was unable to fully be there for me. I had a hard time with it growing up and rejected him as a kid but in retrospect I see that he had a lot of his own emotional issues and he did what he could. In fact I see now he imparted a lot of understanding of things to me. I think the computer purchase, though itâs a material thing, is a way for her to reach out to you, since she really doesnât know how to address things emotionally with you and seems currently unable to let go of her relationship.
The things you describe about being uncomfortable in some social situations are a natural outgrowth of the emotionally volatile situation you have been brought up in. It can be hard to navigate social situations when youâre coming from an ever-shifting home situation. As you start to sort these things out into their different elements each will have less of an emotional âholdâ on you and I think a lot of the unease you have in certain situations will also loosen up. Also, as you and your friends get a little older, thereâs more common ground, and theyâve seen a bit more of life in all its imperfections.
Remember you are a teenager and you have the right to be unsure, scared, depressed, angry, lazy, resentful, whatever without being held accountable for your moods. While you have had to deal with an emotionally unstable situation and the instability of others, you yourself are an emotionally stable person (may not feel that way but itâs true- believe it). You havenât had the luxury of being able to indulge in the teenage years in the carefree way a teenager should be able to when given the right kind of support.
In the same sense, you have a right to your own feelings regarding your father and they can be a confused, conflicted mashup. You donât have to âknowâ anything about this situation. Not your job. Again – youâre the kid here – not responsible for the emotions of the adults around you.
By teasing apart all these aspects of your âbad situationâ, you are going to start finding yourself on firmer ground emotionally and feeling more stable/not internalizing all this abusive âbullshevicâ (I like the term!). With some effort, the same kind of natural confidence you rightly have in your intelligence will little by little overflow into your emotional life as well. Gradual process.
Still havenât gotten to the creative thing yet, but we will. Good to keep sorting through all of this crap first, I suppose.
__________On another purely practical note – my work takes me to different companies and organizations. One place I did some work for was a womenâs shelter and they talked a lot about making sure your computer stuff is secure when thereâs an abusive person in the house. I know you said thereâs been no physical abuse – but are your writings secure? Any chance that he would read about himself anywhere in your writings and that could stir things upâŚ?? Only you know the answer to this.
-Mitchell
DriftwoodParticipantHi Sammi-
A few quick words, more – i.e. some creative feedback/ideas to follow.
The reason you are getting such a great outpouring from people is that itâs obvious to everyone looking in objectively that you are a Good Person in a Bad Situation. Keep that line in your mind when the wheels come off. Make it your mantra.
Yes, the self victimization/abuser cycle goes something like this:
âWAH WAH WAH⌠My boss/mother/brother/sister/girlfriend doesnât understand me. They exclude me from everything. They didnât let me pitch my handcrafted tee-pee replica in the middle of the golf course and I worked so long researching it to make it a historically exact replica ⌠I poured my heart into that project and Iâm misunderstood and taken for granted. (Knowing full well from the get-go that no one was going to let them pitch a tee-pee in the middle of a frickinâ golf course-duh..) Youâve shown me no respect or love. Respect and love Iâm entitled to!!! Iâve tried so hard, but now youâre forcing me to take out my Cave Man Club and hit you over the head with it so I can knock you out and drag you back to my cave. This way YOUâLL NEVER LEAVE ME!! I just want you to know youâve forced me to do this for your own good and the good of the relationship.â
This is a main ingredient in the domestic abuse/dispute/violence cocktail.
Those âlittleâ snipes he takes at you, which he positions as âjust jokingâ are abusive – make no mistake. It has taken me a long time (years!) to figure that out as I endured it from a family member my whole life. Correct me if Iâm wrong, but he is incapable of saying something nice without what I call the âdisclaimerâ coming down the line at you. Why? Because somewhere deep inside he is too vulnerable to express real affection without the backhanded bitchslap follow-up as a âpreemptive attackâ, his personal guarantee just to make sure âheâ wonât get hurt by YOUR rejection because YOU are so mean and abusive. Thatâs how it was in my case – to the point of being accused of being abusive. So here was my point about sympathy: Now that you are getting a foothold on understanding something of the motivation behind it/him, should you feel sorry somewhere deep down for him? Compensate even subconsciously with âself limiting/self-loathing behavior for his terrible (wah..wah..wah) deep wounds that he is too weak to express normally but blames on everyone around him? FâK NO!!!!
Now look at it this way – easier for you to say F-K NO to it, than for someone who is romantically involved with him, since at least you had no choice in the matter and could care less if he leaves. So when he rode along with you and your mother, think of the relationship guilt trip he might have laid on her if he had been âexcludedâ.
You might think I have terrific insight into this person that I don’t even know, but I donât – itâs because itâs a common pathology. Itâs always the same story. I could give you a bunch of examples.
I will reiterate it is very difficult not to internalize this kind of abuse with low self image, self loathing, thoughts of suicide and all those good things we humans visit on ourselves. Especially when the abuser knows your exact triggers. (Knows because in part he created them.)
Which is why the mantra to yourself needs to be âGood person in a bad situationâ. There is ZERO reason that you should feel bad about yourself in this situation. Allow yourself the time to let this concept sink in – but be vigilant about moving towards it (Good person bad situation or maybe GPBS?) when you feel yourself slipping backwards into those feelings.
As for your father – you are a kid who has been forced to set boundaries with a parent, which is something you shouldnât have had to do. But you did have to, and you have done it the best you can. It was/is a healthy reaction. Priority here, again? Self preservation. It might be that someday you will say yes to the Christmas card once a year, or not. Your choice.
My niece has the same issue with my brother, and sheâs gone through periods of tolerating him and not. He wasnât around for her in her childhood/teen years and now wants to make amends. At this point (as an adult with grown and teen kids) she is just starting not to be affected by it. I have had long discussions with her about it even recently. I just came across a bitter poem she wrote about it when she was a teen. And sheâs still dealing with those feelings. Another ongoing process- itâs not just because your a kid. But thereâs time to deal with this. Priority now â Sammi!
Very psyched that you are saving my feedback somewhere for future reference. I hope this all comes in handy in your âtoolkitâ. One thing that is coming out in all of this with all the people who are giving you good feedback and support is that you have been successfully advocating for yourself and doing it through the written word.
Believe it or not, there is motion in all of this (hard to see now, but there is!) This is going to come in handy for you in the next phase as you prepare to get out of there and start working towards getting things on your own terms. All of this is a part of your path out and onto better times.
-Mitchell
DriftwoodParticipantHi Sammi-
Iâm also from an artistic family. My mother was a painter, and my father sculpted. One of the few things I would do with my father as a kid was walk on the beach and collect driftwood. Found objects that would make their way into his sculptures. A good analogy for doing something creative with what you are given.
I reread your original post, and it was even more apparent to me just how abusive this person is and I wanted to add a few more insights â correct me where Iâm wrong. (BTW on rereading I realized I spazzed and flagged my own post as inappropriate by mistake while having an IT problem.)
Abusive people try to exert control both overtly and passive- aggressively. Why? As a misguided way of trying to control their own fears and anxieties and past traumas. What he says when not just randomly lashing out are his own projections on you and others.
This kind of abuse is a confused mess of past abuse, of fear/anger/failure/love/hate which are all mixed into one mishmash in his misfiring brain. The reason I bring this up is that it is a screwed up, un-evolved Fred Flintstone (no, Fred was too nice) letâs say Cave Man language. How screwed up must a person be to have this be the way he communicates his buried fears traumas and rejections? And to project them on a kid? âNo dreams or aspirations? Crying when the boss yells? â Major projections of his own failures having nothing to do with you. I could imagine it started at a young age with him and effected the way his brain developed (purely speculation on my part).
So this is his âlanguageâ, which is both consciously and unconsciously malicious. But guess what.. Without really knowing it you (out of necessity of survival) have had to become an expert in this language – in the same way that you might read faces when returning home when you walk through the door to see what the emotional climate is, you understand intuitively what is going on. I realize that you donât necessarily âinternalizeâ all of his abuse, but I just want to reiterate how important it is not to because it does have a way of seeping in and effecting your feelings and actions.
So just because we understand this kind of personâs screwed up language does that mean we should internalize/have any understanding or even sympathy for them? There are two answers:
1) NO
2) NO for even more reasons you might not have thought of having to do with the future.No number 1: You owe this person nothing. While you have to be civil just to get through, your main job is to protect yourself. Sympathy for your mother? Of course. She is also a victim in this. â and sheâs your mom.
No number 2: You understand this âlanguageâ of abuse better than you think. So down the line, when someone comes into your life who speaks this language, it can be a natural inclination to (semi-conciously or unconsciously) say to yourself âOh.. I know this language⌠I can handle thisâŚâ We are creatures of habit, and this is exactly how abusive relationships repeat themselves. (I realize I touched on this before).
There can be a very seductive side to a lot of abusive people because deep down they see themselves as victims or misunderstood. This justifies their actions (and sometimes addictions) to them. This seductive side is what they present when we first meet, or date or live with them. Then come what they think are pleas to be understood (usually not clearly expressed to us or even cryptic so we donât âgetâ them), then comes their victimization of themselves, then comes the abuse. Repetition of their same old patterns which have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PERSON IN FRONT OF THEM. From what you say, you have seen this pattern repeatedly in some of the men from your momâs past. I am putting this in a future context for you because this is exactly how this shit rolls into relationships that we form that we SWORE looked healthy at the outset. I have had to deal with some of this in my own life and the stuff Iâm writing is what someone passed on to me which I had a hard time believing at first but which helped a lot.
The above might seem obvious to you because you know it all pretty well. But there might be few things you hadnât thought of in the mix. Let me clarify one thing: By sympathy, I donât mean feeling sorry for someone, but I mean letting it hit our sympathetic/empathetic nerve, whereby we, as fairly normal humans start taking on some of this personâs burden into ourselves.
There is nothing that justifies his words and actions towards you, and there is nothing that should justify you feeling like an expense, or not doing things for yourself. Though it is completely understandable that anyone would feel this way, this is fallout from the abuse â so maybe try to look at it that way and see if that shifts a few emotional things for you.
I realize this is a lot of heavy stuff to lay on someone your age but you are dealing with a lot of things you shouldnât have to and I hope some of this might be useful in your tool kit.
I have a few more things to say about the creative side of things, but this post got longer than I thought it would!
-Mitchell- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Driftwood.
DriftwoodParticipantHi Sammi-
You bring back an early memory for some reason. When I was very little, a kid came over to play and we built a little city in the dirt with roads, and little mud and stone buildings. A little jewel of a city, a miracle of engineering to me when I was five or six. He then asked me if I liked the city, and when I said yes, he said âOh yeahâŚ? â and proceeded to kick it back to the stone age until it looked like a bombed out desert city, a pile of dirt and sticks. A whole civilization destroyed! What a hurtful violation of what I thought was a joint âcreationâ Obviously I will never forget this betrayal as even back then it crushed me both in terms of trust, and also creatively. (He later went on to become a major ass in high school. Now, in retrospect I think âWhat an unhappy child he must have been.â) But at the time it made me wary of other kids, not without reason â and that was just abuse from a kid!
When someone is abusive, they are constantly trying to pull at your foundation stones for subconscious reasons of their own. And the healthy reaction (which you have had) is to keep constantly replacing the foundation stones to keep a sense of self and sanity together. However the fallout that occurs from constantly having to rebuild to ground level just to maintain, is that you often donât get to build your âhouseâ, to go further with things just for yourself. And this can lead to not placing the proper value on yourself and in things that are your right. Unfortunately this can become an ingrained habit long after the abuser is out of your life and no, thatâs not good enough.
Part of that fallout is chronically undervaluing yourself and things you do. Not in an overt way – it just kind of creeps in. It is very subtle.
Just because something comes naturally or easily to you doesnât mean that it is less valuable. Putting stock in yourself and in your talent/s is a skill to be learned, like anything else. (Trust me, I am still learning it.) This âeffortâ is doubled for us âcreative types since our emotional issues/low self image can spill into not fully valuing those skills we use to express ourselves, whether they are painting, writing, acting, dancing or whatever. Donât take yourself or your skills and talents for granted. They are the building blocks. It takes time, but learn to take yourself seriously (I mean this!).
School, for many of us (my daughterâs major complaint), can be a great killer of inspiration. So donât let that color your view on your writing which, I will point out, you do call a passion! Thatâs not to say you have to become a âwriterâ per se for a living, but valuing and building on that skill will lead you other fulfilling places be they college, a graphic arts or writing internship at an ad agency, who knowsâŚ? (I am planting this seed â pursuing these or other things are your right! You can do this.)
One of the reasons I have time to write all this right now is that Iâm waiting to hear back on a job that involves my skill and creativity. There are a lot of moving parts, but one person wants to hire me based on my talent and experience. They hardly know me â and guess what â thereâs that little voice in me that STILL says âWho me? NahâŚaw, shucks folks, Iâm really nothingâŚitâs just something I do…â The difference is, now at 54, that little voice doesnât hold sway anymore, and Iâve learned how to ignore, tame, or âwork withâ it, and to value my talent. But it’s an ongoing process.
So there you go, Iâve just suggested yet another burden, and that is to start finding little ways to value the skills and talents that come to you naturally. Even if itâs just in tiny ways that you find affirming. Even if itâs baby steps, really try to figure out how to do it – itâs really more of a slight shift in your thinking than you might think. (Start doing it now, so youâre not one of regretful grown-ups looking back on their lives going âI used to x,y,z… Iâd like to get back to that..â )
To be clear, there is nothing I am writing just to be âkindâ to you. Your intelligence, insight and talent is clear to everyone who reads what you write, and it will be recognized. Trust me on this. So please- make sure itâs clear to yourself as well.
The good news for us creative types is that we kind of get to be kids forever in certain ways.. so the (sometimes lost) magic of childhood finds its way back into our art.
-Mitchell -
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