Ughhh. I just replied and it didn’t send and everything disappeared. This anti robot thing is getting to be over the top. Plus I didn’t copy/save what I wrote first, which I usually do just in case..

Dang- what happened to the tiny buddhas next to our names.. Drama in high school, you say? Yes, but there’s also drama in the office, drama in traffic, drama always ready to raise its overly dramatic head. High school is just the testing ground for the rest of life. Fortunately drama is easily recognizable an (usually) easy to avoid.

Uke – very cool. Hope that is still bringing you pleasure.

How goes your artwork? How goes the ‘is this the day’ discipline question. How go things with your Dad, the Seattle question and all the rest?

Did you ever read the zen habit post I sent?

A month of work and other major things going on in my life so its been a while – send news!

-M

Hey-

Normal that you would feel sentimental about the person at the mall. It was a contact you made, it was YOUR contact and because it was kind of a regular relationship in a certain setting on your terms, you were able to feel some closeness. I have had similar feelings that seem out of proportion to the actual relationship. It happens a lot on crews when you’ve just spent 3 weeks working really closely on a project together and you’re all ‘breaking up’.

I had the impression that the last time you saw your father was the first time in a long time and that you had just met your 9 year old brother… I remember you writing about how you didn’t want to see your dad, and that last time you finally did because he just showed and bro gave you that doodle. So have you seen him more regularly over the years? Would moving to Seattle be the worst thing for you? It would get you out of your current situation, or is that a toss-up? Is your little brother’s mother on the scene?

As for the ‘discipline’ thing, if you’re not going to do it until ‘one day’ start asking yourself EVERY MORNING “Is THIS the day?”. The answer may be no, but asking the question at least is a form of discipline. And one day the answer will be yes. You need to do this if you’re going to really change things up for yourself and not just be ‘reactive’ but proactive to the ‘series of unfortunate events’ that make up your current situation.  Sometimes we have to get out of our own way in these situations.

Check if there is a Chinese grocery somewhere near you – that’s the kind of place to get green tea on the cheap.

No, I am not a robot. Hopefully fewer astral hitchhikers on this post.

-M

Wow-

Can’t believe it’s been a month! I was traveling for work and then had a lot of  catching up to do.

So in the end, your visit with your father wasn’t the worst thing in the world. When you say lied to, by whom? Do you want to share some of the history of this?

I am a BIG believer that diet and exercise play a major role in mental health and clarity. You’re pointed in the right direction on that one.

How goes the pursuit of ‘discipline’ we posted about oh-so long ago?

Lemme know!

-M

Hey there Sammi-

I’ve been thinking about your last post but unable to reply because I’m crazy busy prepping and traveling for an upcoming job.

My overall comment about all that you just said, is, very cool.

Why cool, of all things, you might ask? Because I think you are really starting to get to the root of things, and you’re expressing them very simply and clearly. You are frustrated with things the way they are and confronting them head-on. Becoming not only aware of them (which you were before) but also looking for ways to bust through some of these blockages.

Nervous about the upcoming visit? Worried you’ll look at the wrong eye and turn yourself, or him into a frog? Very normal. You should hear my 40+ year old female friends talk about online dating. Sounds similar. There was an older man who lived around the block from me. I remember him from childhood. Never really knew him, just would see him walking his dog and he would say hello, starting when I was a very little kid. Was the ’round the block’ and Halloween kind of acquaintance of childhood. When his wife died, he eventually started dating. One day I heard him talking to someone about it and guess what? I remember being so surprised that this figure from my early childhood sounded like a teenage girl. So you see, that stuff might seem really acute because you’re a teenager, but it never really goes away (just becomes less seemingly a matter of life and death). In short, don’t worry about worrying about it. It’s normal.

You liken the upcoming to the experience you had in Hawaii where you were too caught up in your own internal world to enjoy the outside world. You are acutely aware of this, and don’t want to repeat that experience. So don’t . If you were to work on figuring out the ways of not letting that happen this time.. what would some of those ways be? You have already gotten to the first step- which is awareness.

Charter school seems scary right now. Change is scary. But what’s the alternative? I do think you’ll benefit from the challenge and the external stimulation. Otherwise you’ll continue to be in the same loop, internalizing things. Not saying it will be super easy but at least there will be some outside stimulation going on.

Building your personal confidence is a slow and steady type process. And ongoing. All of these things are ongoing. Believe it or not, sometimes I still have to remind myself that I’m extremely competent and valued at what I do. You have to remember to be nice to yourself in the process. Accept yourself for who you are and start thinking about how to change things you think need improvement.

To start on this road, I do feel like you need to add some discipline into your daily routine. Do some small things regularly. These could be things that have to do with your own well-being or just things that need to happen. Whether it’s washing and folding your laundry, vacuuming under the bed (yikes!), dealing with the dogs, learning photoshop, adding consistency to your homework/study schedule An ongoing list of small things will build toward something over time. And most importantly – make this an exercise to begin the habit of giving yourself credit whether it’s for cleaning the hair out of the drain or folding socks, give yourself the credit for having done the consistent thing you didn’t really feel like doing but did.. Yes, it feels stupid at first. Start now and get used to it. Make it a habit.

I’m not necessarily talking about the art /creative side of things, but the day to day small things , and remembering to give yourself some credit. Sounds lame, perhaps, but tell yourself that you did a good job on whatever it is you did.

Combining this with little jaunts out of your ‘comfort zone’ and into the world of cafes, bookstores or whatever is also important. Start weaning yourself from the comfort zone/trap, and get slightly uncomfortable. And you’ll see you will start to get more comfortable in the discomfort zone. We are very adaptable creatures.

Finding small seemingly insignificant ways to build something up for yourself will do a lo more than you might think. Trust me on this deal. (The head of the lifeguards in my town who deals with 17y/o – college age kids has a tee shirt that says ‘I’m old and grey, just do what I say’. So yeah…)

All of the above are really good things, Sammi.

As for the counseling, what you say is ironic because if you really were a peer of the counselor, you would probably want to ‘get your money’s worth’ and tell her all your problems and have her help you. Baby steps are fine, but the sooner you start confronting these things and bringing them out into the open, the less imposing they will start to become.

The commissioned piece is cool. The suicide joke…hmm… Oh yeah- and why does the counselor recommend sleeping pills? Sounds iffy to me… Why not a natural sleep remedy like melatonin?

Will read your response from the road…

Hi Julia–

It might seem like I have some great insight into this person, but as you can see from your recent reading on the personality disorder, all these stories go pretty much the same way.

These kinds of people often know how to get close to us and appeal to our natural need for love and sensuality and for a while we seem like we’re the center of their universe. But in the end, they are more like casting directors auditioning and actor/actress to play a part in their own pathologies than boyfriends or girlfriends. It’ a great trip, but afterwards we’re left wondering how it could have been SO intimate and then gone to nothing. They on the other hand, think they have ‘moved on’ just to repeat the process. In the end, somewhere deep down they know they’re not capable of sustaining anything more, but a big part of them is ‘normal’ in that they too are just looking for love like the rest of us, blind to/willfully ignorant of their own limitation and the harm they do. They got what they needed; the incredible high of approval and intimacy – and that’s as far as they’re capable of going. Their latest ex on the other hand is left processing the emotions, whereas incapable of processing emotions responsibly, they skip that part.

If you took a ride on the Orient Express, it might be the most wonderful, interesting, sensual trip of your life and you might look back on it with nostalgia forever, but the train would make the same trip over and over again with different passengers, and wouldn’t miss you at all. It’s kind of like that in my experience.

Two weeks is nothing in the scope of things, though sorry it has been a painful two weeks for you. We take this wonderful ride (and indeed there’s always something to be learned) we become invested in it, and want it to go further and then we’re dumped off at the nearest stop. Because there just is no ‘further’ with them. There never was.

For some reason we feel like after this deeply felt emotional experience that has just ended traumatically we should be able to immediately snap back to our normal, driven lives the way we were before without a hitch, and if we can’t there’s something wrong with us. But it just doesn’t work that way. Processing those emotions is natural and it’s natural for you to be heartbroken, because you’re a human, feeling person. So don’t be hard on yourself. Allow yourself the time, and explore things that make you feel better.

I think it’s in Chinese medicine that they call the spot between your breastbones, at the intersection of your rib cage the ‘grieving point’. When you press there, if it’s kind of sore or inflamed that means you’re still grieving. Yoga breathing and meditation have helped me with releasing this.

Everything’s normal here and you have all the answers. Not you just have to process it and get back to yourself without worrying that it’s taking too long.

Hi Sammi–

Travels were interesting though it was constant work the whole way from Silicon Valley to North Carolina. Came across a lot of interesting people from an Uber driver who helps people cross over into dying to some deep south serious Trump supporters. A real example of how varied this country is. Varied being a better word than divided.

No such thing as a tangent here – your regret seems maybe to be that you were oblivious to the world..? Do you mean you were wrapped up in your own thing and didn’t give enough attention to what was around you?

Cool that you will be getting on a plane soon. I’m assuming this is to see your S.O. who you said lives on the other side of the country? Still procrastinating? Stop it! You have a lot of work to do before your great/sweet escape or whatever.

T’is a far better thing to throw piece of tracing paper over a DaVinci drawing and copy it than play video games…

When you make your move you’ll need some arrows in your quiver, and that means working towards Charter school and maybe increasing your various skills… no? You need to feel the wheels of evolution turning. Even if all is imperfect its better than having them just spinning in the mud.. Expanding your skills will be expanding your confidence and that will help certain other things fall by the wayside. Ok, that’s my lecture for tonight.

In general I get the feeling that things are a bit better over there? That you are not so bothered as you were those months ago..?? Had another chance to approach things in counseling?

-Mitchell

Hi Sammi-

Work just got kind of busy so I’ll have to be super brief and circle back on some of the things you brought up..

Went to the Whitney museum in NYC with my daughter for my birthday. A new and very awesome building with one of the greatest collections of modern art in the world and a floor of weird video and media installations dating from the 50’s to now. Then hung out with her and the dog, which is all I need, really. This is the first birthday in a while without my girlfriend, so me with daughter and dog were all I really needed to be happy.

It is interesting about your visiting friend. Friends have a way of confronting us with our own crap that annoys the hell out of us but at the same time rings true somewhere. (Which is even more annoying!) She feels comfortable enough with you to explore your inner world and trudge around in it a little, and this brings things to the surface, which in the long run is good for you, though I’m sure gets up your grill. At least that’s been my experience. So in the ‘zen’ sense, observe what is annoying you about it and why/what it confronts you with… Try not to react from an ego based place, and see what is valid about what she’s saying vs. what she doesn’t understand. I should take my own advice here, I know, but easier to give it then do it…

My feeling is that you are making more progress, i.e. getting more ‘distance’ on your home situation and separating out what is and isn’t ‘you’ in the situation, if that makes sense. I do think that your awareness and looking at things is also a part of the reason the ship is leaving the dock in terms of what picking, cutting etc.. represents for you. It holds less relevance for you now, maybe? I don’t know much about it at all, aside from some incidents with daughter’s friends, but it seems to me the more stuff that comes to the surface, the more ‘mindful’ you are about what’s bothering you, the less of an ‘escape valve’ it will become. Don’t know..

Question- You say your mother doesn’t know about the cutting, but I’m assuming she knows about the picking because she sees?

Your insights into those videos are spot on with some of what I was thinking. The reasons I asked were a) because there’s something called and ‘explainer’ video, that I absolutely hate. Also just hate the word grammatically since it reminds me of when George Bush said ‘I’m the decider’. You might have seen them – they’re often cartoons or a hand drawing figures on a whiteboard. And they often are overly simplistic in a ‘cute’ way, like “Ok, lets pretend we’re all morons, and I’ll explain this to you in really simple terms.’ Once in a while people ask me about them for work and I really have nothing to say because they’re animations and also cause I hate them so much. But these were kind of portraits of people actually doing things, and I thought that could be a good approach. b) I wanted to get your take on EXACTLY what you mentioned which was the ‘hipster’ thing because there was an element of ‘hey, I’m super cool and you can be too!’ I wanted to see if you bought it. I do however think that the girl ‘Sarah’ was for real and really did that stuff, and I did like the result and I don’t think she herself was ‘fake’ but it felt a tiny bit forced in that direction. Nonetheless she and her stuff were cool despite the slightly off-course direction.

Also didn’t like the ‘don’t do humor’ thing either, the resume was kind of contrived.
The voice app was by far the most original.

Hope therapy session is a good one… perhaps getting to the base stuff behind the ‘cutting’ would be more comfortable??

Ok, need to end it here for now. To be continued..

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Driftwood.

Hey Sammi-

I’m glad to hear that you feel that this is doing you some good since I was concerned I might have been too pushy. Like I’ve said, I’m no therapist, but I’ve seen several similar situations and am dealing my daughter and friends within months of your exact age range. I have time to write since tomorrow is my birthday and I’m hanging with my daughter (who’s doing homework) at my ex’s tonight and tomorrow since my house (long story) is freezing right now.

Anyway, welcome to the one step forward, two steps back business, aka the human race. Not always easy for many of us humans to get out of bed in the morning. I think it’s very important to start bringing the fore mentioned issues up with the therapist as a proactive way of working through all this stuff. While I too can talk about rice for hours (short grain brown rice in a pressure cooker for 35 minutes and is great), she might just be waiting for a cue from you to start talking about the important issues. Even if the situation is not ideal and you don’t know how to change it up, start addressing these issues such as they are and see where it leads. This is what I mean by the difference between 15 and 16 where you start getting proactive. This isn’t a linear process and yes, there will be lots of back and forth, as in life.

As for discipline, consider yourself in the discipline business; having just opened up a discipline shop, business is going to start slow but it will catch on once word gets out (to yourself) that this stuff works. We all stare at the ‘laundry basket’ in one way or another. The small steps of discipline for discipline’s sake (i.e. not diving into the laundry basket to get dressed but hanging things up) lead to bigger chunks of discipline and most importantly give you some momentum. They take on a life of their own. I know it’s not easy, but you need this kind of traction so you can stop spinning your wheels. Also it’s prep for next year since things aren’t all of a sudden going to start magically happening by themselves once charter school starts and there will be other challenges.

Yes, take that walk in 30 degrees, better yet take the dogs out for a walk (they will really appreciate it). Don’t understand why you should bother? Doesn’t matter! Doing and motion are themselves sometimes the best form of therapy and we all have to deal with overcoming our tendencies to stay in bed or whatever our particular dysfunction of choice is. As a freelancer I have to regularly kick my own ass to make calls and send out resumes for work. So yes, start kicking your own ass. It’s really critical that you start the ball rolling in a meaningful way with the therapist. And I think you will find this and the dealing with the ‘laundry basket’ really helps weaken the magnetic pull of your bed.

Going to give you one or two examples of moving things forward vs. not. Obviously not direct comparisons to you.

Daughter’s friend from kindergarten: A really intelligent well spoken likable, interesting, creative girl.They were friends for many years but then this friend started suffering from really terrible anxiety and unfounded phobias that seemed to change every week. This was always present to some degree. In the early years playdates would become almost impossible because she would have a fit or put a stop to them and we would have to leave. So my daughter would only see her when I was visiting her parents since we were by now friends on our own. It all got worse when she was about 12. She stopped going to school, stopped hanging with most people and was abandoned by what was left of her friends since everyone started going through peer pressure stuff and no one could deal with her anymore. Couldn’t bring herself to go to the library to meet with the private tutor that was arranged by the school district and now that she was an outcast in school she really wasn’t going to go back despite a few half-hearted random attempts.

Very talented, she would stay home and do interesting drawings, but mostly did nothing but watch tv. Started self harming a little bit. All of this dysfunction was accompanied by a kind of manic ruling of the household, stopping everyone else from going about their lives. Drove her older sister crazy by the fact that she dominated everything and the older sister got very little attention unless the parents made special arrangements to give her attention outside the house. Needless to say she failed out of school despite being really smart. Finally her parents found a place for her that dealt with these kinds of fears etc.. through therapy and a really disciplined lifestyle. She objected but was threatened with being forced to go. They were prepared to have people from the place actually come and escort her, but eventually they got her to agree to go. It was out of state and so she would not see her family since dominating the family dynamic was part of her way of enabling herself. (note that this was in no way an abusive family). The place she went was a house with rules based in learning discipline, meaning you get up in the morning, make your breakfast, clean the kitchen, exercise, do your laundry, etc.. then you deal with your schoolwork which is your responsibility (this wasn’t a school so this was done online). Very limited time on computers recreationally, no calls, no texting at first. Two 15 minute conversations with family per week, then a one hour session on the phone with family and therapist on the weekend. There was also creative time, lots of other options etc… She really started to thrive, mentally and creatively and carved out a healthy place for herself. She got in good physical shape and was able to get off her medications that weren’t helping anyway. A lot of this benefit was discipline related but also from being cut off from the things that allowed her not to function like family and computer games, and learning to navigate her strong and weak points and take stock in herself. My daughter and I have not seen her in two years, but I talked to her on the phone the other day during one of their 15 minute calls and I can tell you she was like a different person. I mean it was a huge difference – self-possessed and confident and ready to leave that place and move on. She’s 16 now and won’t be returning to her old school but will be in another that is more suited to her.

Family member: A very gifted professional writer who was abused in childhood by an older sibling. Suffered from a few addictions, mostly smoking cigarettes and overeating. Developed a kind of ‘persona’ that she used at times to project what she wanted people to think of her and used it to avoid reality. She seeked out therapy and while much of the therapy was useful, she also used her understanding of it to enable herself to wield power over other family members, indulging her every small neurosis to the max, imposing her whims on those around her and using this as a way to control others. Often very subtly abusive and insulting to others while considering herself a victim, she at times uses her mental health issues as ‘currency’ (mental illness card) to basically do what she wants or NOT do what she doesn’t want like take responsibility in family matters. But never ever admits or is even aware of it. Everything revolves around her and she uses therapy terms to turn things around on other family members who might confront her with her bad behavior. Now older, she used therapy correctly in one sense but also didn’t use it to its full advantage and still plays out/projects her yet unresolved childhood issues on the rest of the family.

Okay that’s it for now. There’s another but it’s too late now and you get the idea. Might have a busy week ahead but I do think you have enough to think about between this and the last post. (And anyway you have some school catching up to do…!)

Again, I really think you can do this and NOW is the time to start. From what you’ve described I think sometimes you’re concerned about what others in the house will think if you do something different or seem to be making a move, but don’t worry about that. You do sound stronger in terms of not internalizing the verbal abuse and bad behavior now anyway.

-Mitchell

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Driftwood.