Forum Replies Created
-
I’d like to Re frame the part about tics here as I wasn’t as clear as i could have been.
Most people would assume i had Tourrettes, and eventually i found out it was easier to say i had this then not. My tics were voluntary not involuntary so i didn’t have tourrettes. This meant that when people enquired about this and i had no diagnosis, they would laugh confusingly and say, Look at you! You’re grunting, blinking, grimacing every 4 to 8 seconds. There is clearly something wrong with you. I just had to sit there and be this person. It was very hard.
This was one of the most common occurrences with others i’d have. “What’s wrong with you” was a question i would heard all the time, not in a nice way too.
That’s all, thank you deeply to any one with enough heart and intention to go through all that.
Hi, the feelings of emptiness you speak of. Can be a terrifying thing, as this means that everything that you know love and have committed to….Isn’t real. Your ego doesn’t want this, the part of yourself who has made up the story of Natalie who identifies with her experiences as a genuine part of who she is. This person does not want to let go because you don’t know what’s on the other side, you avoid it all costs. Doing anything to get away from yourself and how you feel.
Pursue this emptiness, you will find yourself. I’ll try and explain this the best i can.
Imagine each and every moment you have live so far, from moment to moment. Each moment has a perspective, and understanding, a knowing, a reaction. We are only allowed to pick one perspective, one understanding, one emotional response (which can by more than one emotion at a time). Now there are an INFINITE amount of interpretations each moment could possibly have. You are the collection of each moment and that interpretation of each moment gives you the identity you have now that you are clinging onto. Myself included.
Emptiness is existence, all you are is pure awareness, we are like sponges and mirrors. We soak it all up and then project/reflect our understanding back onto the world.
However that understanding is limited to ONE perspective per moment. There are many perspectives.
Clinging onto this idea of yourself, a self that doesn’t really exist. It is made up. Just another story, like the one i am typing right now. It can be a very frightening thing but with enough understanding or framework it can be the most liberating experience you ever have. Because you will realise that all the positions you took on everything is completely arbitrary and you could have just as easily taken another position. Ultimately any interpretation from this place of “nothingness” is a lie.
This is our condition. There’s so much more this cascades onto but if this resonated with you. People like so call it an ego death and i hope you find what you’re looking for. Enquiring into the nature of reality and how our awareness interacts and integrates with external world would be a good place to start.
Perhaps you haven’t heard of Leo from actualised.org. You can find him on youtube. He has in depth video’s about all this stuff. I am new to this forum and perhaps everyone knows him from here. If so great, if not then it definitely wouldn’t hurt to look him up. He is an incredible teacher. I am honestly in awe of how much he understands and knows and how accessible he makes all this information.
I always found the statement “taking the high road” a passive aggressive idea, that is rooted in self pride and a self congratulatory in nature to the point that it can pose as being kind, open and loving when it’s not 🙂 and you’re simply reflecting the nature you perceive to be troubling and disguising it.
Anger, frustration and judgement is something i suffer from greatly. I’m trying to understand myself and the nature of these emotions, and how they came to hold such prominence over my psyche.
Before i continue perhaps you know of him perhaps you don’t, actualised.org on youtube this content creator to me personally would be one of the most desired people to speak to. He gives in depth spiritual/psychological/philosophical explanations on a whole range of topics including anger, resentment the list just goes on and on! I really love this guy.
One thing he said that stuck with me is anger stems from not willing to understand any other perspective other than your own. If you’re angry you better believe you are only thinking of yourself and your set of circumstances, i speak from experience. When you’re angry, you don’t really want to understand. You want to have this self righteous judgement which further propels you into more judgement, swaying you to be angry, or resentful or a myriad of other perceived negative reactions we can have.
If corruption is something that bothers and upsets you and gets you all worked up, the reason is because you don’t or are not willing to understand this human condition holistically, or completely. You only want to see it through your tiny lense. Argh this corruption, ally he work i do and people like this walk all over me and get away with it!
I’m not advocating this type of behaviour but understanding the human condition and why people do the corrupt things that they do can really help clear up the most likely narrow minded misconceptions you had of the topic.
Empathy, so the person who abused you for no fault of your own, the most difficult thing and i’m not saying i do this. Is to surrender yourself to the knowledge that she is like she is because she couldn’t have turned out any other way. How she was raised, criticised, hurt, her lack of or sufficient role models in her life.
If you don’t know the person i mentioned. Go on youtube and type actualised.org and it’s a bald guy talking in front of a black screen. Can’t speak more highly of him.
On another note, praising and blaming. Another thing I’ve been trying to wrap my head around that causes judgement is. How can your praise of others or things have any currency or potency if you don’t properly criticise things and others? and vice versa.
How do we do this? I don’t know :), you’ll have to ask someone else who understand a whole lot more than me.
I hope this helped.
i’m under no illusions that this is doesn’t have it’s selfish tendencies, although at the same time i acknowledge and embrace the fact it can have the same effect on her aswell. You have nailed it on the head, i am trying to prove to myself i have changed, without doubt, though what come first? first and foremost i fee is to embrace my compassionate side, then everything else falls into place, discipline is required aswell which also comes down to compassion if you have the foresight to acknowledge that any lack of can result in further pain for both parties.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 