Anita,

You truly don’t know how much you’ve helped me talk through this problem, and make it more easier for me to handle my feelings and articulate them, you helped me realize the rationality behind the situation. I think now you’ve said it, my life would be the same if I were to go back to my ex, and that wouldn’t end well for him or me. I just want him to be happy and healthy but that might mean we need to go our separate ways. My trouble now is communicating how I feel because I don’t want to hurt him like I mentioned above. I do know sometimes people have to get hurt but how do I approach him since things have been somewhat OK? I’ve told him I could see myself marrying him but now that time has gone by my feelings have changed and I’m definitely going to break his heart. I will just express to him what I have before, that I can’t put my energy into something that might not turn out to be what I want and need. I don’t want him to think I’m necessarily leaving him for another guy, there just happened to be a connection as soon as I had serious feelings of separation in August. I would’ve gained the courage to leave my ex but probably not so fast if I hadn’t met the new guy. Which for some reason is where I still feel guilty, but I can’t help my feelings. I’m not sure how to feel better about that, and how my ex is going to respond, I might just have to give it time.

– Jess

Anita, thank you so much for your voice.

“The spark one person provides another in a romantic relationship doesn’t stay the same. It can be intense, then it weakens… sometimes it’s gone, then it comes back, or not.” – Yes the spark does change. I’ve noticed that when my ex and I broke up and we started hanging out again, it seemed like the beginning of the relationship, and he told me he regrets getting mad over little things and seems even more happy around me than before, being more physical, but it just doesn’t feel the same since so many years went passed with him acting the opposite… I have expressed that to him.

What I also mean by showing me the world is that the new guy can show me a healthy relationship and give me what I deserve physically and mentally. I want to be mindful with my partner, and that spark of energy to be passionate and want to live for more is what’s important to me along with the affection, intimacy and words of affirmation… etc. His confidence in himself and the ability to look beyond what he’s already learned and experienced is attractive.

I feel like my ex and I don’t have that physical connection because of the conversations we’ve had about it, even with his mom involved. I moved in while he was living with his mom, we rented the basement it was like our own little house, kitchen and everything. One night we were talking about why he isn’t a physical person and his mom said it’s because of her not being in his life for the majority of him growing up, not being that loving mother figure. “We’re not huggers” they said, and my ex told me that he believes that “drinking gives him that confidence” to be naturally physical because otherwise he “doesn’t know how to transition into hanging out and being a loving/intimate partner”. It shouldn’t be that hard but everyone is different. I kind of just shrugged it off for a while, but I slowly realized that I don’t deserve to be loved only when someone is drunk or when they choose to put in the effort. I had that spark with him for such a long time because he was my first love and I wanted to believe in his good side, I didn’t want to just leave when it got hard. I guess his spark faded away but got more intense when he absorbed the weight of the situation between us after the initial break up.

My answer to your questions:

1. One thing I like about the new guy is that he is willing to do stuff with me, things that might be out of his comfort zone because he wants to experience new things within himself and or with me. He’s not opposed to hanging around my friends because he knows they’re important to me, so he will give them the same treatment as I do to them, he said. Most of my friends are girls, and that’s okay because he grew up with sisters and gets along better with woman. He says it’s not hard for him to connect to his feminine side, maybe that’s why we have the same mentality and interests. He’s such a gentlemen with him acts of service – sometimes I get the feeling that he might be TOO nice to where it worries me that I might get jealous cause I can’t tell if he’s trying to flirt or just be accommodating. I don’t want to get jealous that’s not me at all, and that could ruin our relationship making assumptions. But he is a grown man who seems like he knows what he wants, I’m sure he would be honest if he felt a certain way towards me or someone else. Throughout time I might see him being affectionate towards other people but for now, I just wonder and observe since his dream is to perform live music and make people happy and inspired. Maybe he’s just super friendly overall.

2. The new guy is very impatient, he even said it himself because he just wants to get to the point, no beating around the bush. There have been a few instances where I’ve noticed it. Personally, I like to take my time because I’m detailed oriented and I just want to make sure everything is right. Plus, I don’t see the need to rush everything. We planned a trip for my birthday in January with my best friend and her boyfriend, and when we went on a trail/hike he didn’t walk with me, he seemed just to want to hurry up and get to the top (though he is more fit than me)… I also feel like him being a Leo and having a big ego might get in the way of…. something I don’t know at this point to be honest. I do adore that he knows what he wants and he’s confident in how he feels but could this pride override our relationship?

One of the mornings we woke up before my friend and wanted to go get coffee, but I thought it would be nice to wait for them but he seemed to be a little irritated since it was my trip that we couldn’t just go alone without them. I felt bad for just leaving when my friend texted me saying she needs a few minutes, but I heard him just leave and I guess started walking towards the bakery. It was only 5 minutes until we left and he texted me where we were at, and said he waited for us at 2nd street. We went the other way and I just don’t understand why he couldn’t have just waited in the hotel with me. Something I just noticed. Anyway.

There was another time where we were cooking dinner together and he asked me to do something, but then a few minutes later just started taking over and seemed irritated that I was taking my time in dipping the cauliflower in the sauce. This might sound petty, but all those things combined kind of bothers me. Should it?

3. We haven’t talked a lot about his relationship history because he says he “doesn’t want to talk about it right now.” Assuming it was a really stressful time in his life from what he has told me, he lost a lot of hair and wasn’t happy. Something along the lines of drama with her and his family and her cheating on him for a few months during their relationship. One thing he told me was that they split up because they were growing in separate directions, and she wanted kids right away and he wasn’t ready. He has said his goals in life are to buy a house and have kids. I don’t know much details about his ex other than that. He did tell me that he dated someone in his twenties that had an alcohol problem who he tried to fix over and over, but realized he can’t change anyone so they split up.

4. Throughout my ex and I’s relationship, he changed jobs a lot because he wasn’t happy at his initial job he’s been at since he was 17. He was really good at the job and knew what he was doing unlike the rest of the employees who would just sit back, which bothered him because he was picking up other peoples slack and getting paid very poorly. The problem here is that he never had the courage to leave and find a better job because he was comfortable doing the same thing everyday. He was living paycheck to paycheck which is stressful… But after the break up he even said it doesn’t matter about the money or what he did all day, he should’ve came home to be a loving partner. Instead, he would come home not even say “hi babe”, and just be angry about the day and situations at work, and be pissed off until we go to bed, along with drinking which would increase his anger. He would play video games and get angry (slamming his fist on the table), I would get annoyed and say please stop doing that! But he would get even more mad that I said something which would turn into an argument. He switched jobs thinking he would be happier and he told me things would change. But he would still come home pissed off because of certain people not doing their job. He is a very hard worker…

His anger might be resolved now because he quit his original job and is looking for a more stable one with health benefits because he’s never had a job like that. But he is irritated because they’re paying him $15 an hour which he was told different, he told me he could go back to his second job making $19 an hour, but I know he won’t be happy and his life won’t progress.

5. The ways my ex is acting patiently is how he wants to wait until I’m ready to be with him again, if I do see myself with him. I do love him and I want it to work but at the same time I told him that we need some time apart to focus on ourselves and maybe our paths can cross again in the future when he’s actually changed. He said if I’m sure about this, it will take a while for things to mellow out and for us to date, but in the long run he said he doesn’t want to marry anyone else besides me… We wouldn’t live together for quite some time if I did decide that he’s what I want to put my effort towards again.

– Jess

Helcat,

That is true, he still drinks frequently even when we hung out after the break up. It could definitely take longer than 3 months to significantly change.