The joys of being heavily resistant to drugs and alcohol I guess. I don’t get hangovers or any of that.

Family and friends are mostly gone for a myriad of reasons. Parents preferred being a junkie and alcoholic respectively when given an ultimatum. Friends leaving are a wealth of reasons also that have been given to me, ranging from “I’m jealous you’re engaged.” to “My new found girlfriend doesn’t like you anymore so…” to simple distance. Paraphrasing of course.

As for the dream job thing, I was interviewed three separate times. I met all needed criteria. I know how I came across. It wasn’t for anything lacking mentally that I wasn’t accepted, or something intangible like that. It is my age. Nothing more.

Therapy is not for me. I’ve shot down 3 different therapists, each with many years experience. I’ve no desire to hear anymore therapy ‘help’.

Again, I’m tired. I’m weary. I simply lack the ability to pull myself out of the current spiral that’s been going on for as long as I can remember, and that’s ok. I’ve followed the advice of many (including my own thoughts to get out of my rut of a life) and its been found wanting. One can only hear “No” so many times before it just takes it’s toll, similar to water erosion.

I’m supposed to stay in a job I’ve no desire for, regardless of the mass efforts to get out of it. To do something my child can admire or look up to.

I’m supposed to stay in a marriage that’s like plain white oatmeal, regardless of doing everything under the sun to remedy the complacency of my spoue, to no avail.

I’m supposed to have a mindset that’s as I have now, regardless of the months of time poured into making things brighter, given the cacophony of advice I’ve followed to the letter.

Reality is some just don’t pull out of a tailspin, and that’s alright . We’re only Human. You either live with where you’re at, or if there’s just no visible escape with no going on, exit quietly. Beyond the obvious ripples left in your wake (couple people being upset), one can be reasonably sure things would only improve for those you leave, given the person that left.

Makes 100% complete sense to me.

I’m not writing a book! I’d never write a book. A book on what? How to be a Misanthropic Dysthymiaprone Failure at Forty? Enough with the book.

The only quick dismissal I’ve made dismissals to are my own points. Why would I dive headfirst into an irrelevant explanation of something, if everything I have to say about it, doesn’t matter at all?

I was on the hunt for someone to counter my original thought of ‘Some are happy. Some are not. Some fluctuate,  some stay in one or the other permanently based on their environment.’ It’s not happening, which is fine, as I’ve managed to counter the points of multiple therapists. Can let the thread here die out, and no worries.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Misanthrope.

I think the charmed/cursed point is leading us into the minutiae of things. Charmed/cursed is really just about simple probability.

Some have it. Some don’t. Some follow a path, and receive the boon at the end. Some follow the same path, make the same moves, and receive nothing at the end of that same path but a let down.

In the case of my spouse? She went to post-secondary schooling, graduated in the top 5% of her class, got her degree, and set sail on her chosen career to greener pastures. I went to post-secondary schooling, graduated in the top 5% of my class, got my certificate, and was promptly told ‘No’* after not one interview, not two, but three interviews for a position in the next leg up in the process to enter the career of my choice. I make peace with that, and attempt a second career of interest, and am told ‘No’* after not one interview, but an additional one as well.

Change my job? I’d be happy to. I’ve thrown out no less than 4 dozen resumes over the past 2 years. You’d be right in presuming how that went.

Notice a trend yet?

The above, as mentioned with minutiae, is largely irrelevant.

It all bleeds into ones self-outlook. Which is an entirely other long, blathering, babblefish issue that can be summed up as ‘The only answer to the equation is that you’re an awful Human Being.’ based upon both current and past events.

* – I’m paraphrasing ‘No.’ with any number of things. The ‘Thanks but no thanks’ emails refusals from potential employers, the ‘Thanks but no thanks’ emails from post-secondary education institutions. Etc.

Given a life, existentially speaking. You’re born, therefore, you’re ‘given’ life.

‘Who’s saying that without actual words being said?’. I am. I have. It’s how things are for some. For others, they work hard and it pays off. For some, they work hard, make the right moves, and it never pays off.

Life in general, for some, is banal/trivial/dull. Regardless of what they do to make it not so, it stays so.

I’ve come to grips with it. I’m a naturally unhappy person. Add in that there is no meaningful career, there’s no future beyond my current job, that I feel I do nothing useful as a father beyond the normal baseline (my spouse, I’m sure, would vehemently disagree), that there is no ‘fixing things for myself, and that I’m just damaged and broken having been tossed aside by both friends, family, and loved ones too often.

You realize that life isn’t going to be a happy thing, as the number of times you’ve been happy in 40 years, you can count on two hands. You go through the ‘have you tried this?’ stuff people from spouses, to doctors, to therapists, to friends, to family, and just get the point that it’s not for you.

I’m honestly of the mindset that the above is true. There’s no ‘someone somehow convince me otherwise’. I.E. My spouse just asked me if I was ‘ok’ and I said ‘No.’ and she asked if there was anything she could do. I said ‘No.’ and she said ‘Let me know if there’s something I can do.’ and that was that. That’s normal. Happens 2-3 times every 3-4 days. It’s routine.

So you research. You research really bad things. Things that would make your spouse freak the fuck out. But to you? To you it’s perfectly normal and rational to know that it takes 400mg of Morphine to end your life. It’s absolutely par for the course to know where to obtain Morphine via the internet, and know of a chemist that can check if the Morphine is actually Morphine. OH MY GOD! RED LIGHT! ALERT! ALERT! No. It’s not. To me, it’s a good thing to know. It’s useful, relevant information.

Simply because you honestly think, in your heart of hearts, your spouse and child deserve so much better than what they wound up with.

I assure you, I don’t ‘hope these things are not true’. They’re true. I don’t think I have it in me to stick it out another 1/4 century at a job I hate, with no prospects, told ‘no’ at every turn when you try to change things for the better.

And ‘ask for help’? Why would I ever do that? So someone can think ‘Wow. This guy is an attention whore.’. I don’t need help. Was just writing down my headspace with the thought process of ‘Yeah. Some aren’t happy. Very rarely. That’s life. That’s normal.

My child – no idea what’s going on. Thinks life is peaches and cream.

Wife – aware I’m not doing so good. Only wants me to be happy.

Most people feel driven toward a particular career that they find interesting. A dream job so to speak. After applying to my dream job for a third time, receiving an interview for a third time, and being denied a third time, I’ve had it. I’m destined to work a shit job I hate, that only adds to my malaise. I didn’t know until i was too old, what I really wanted to do.

I think the root of things is that some get to be happy, and some don’t. I’m in the latter group, and that’s just how things are in reality.

In a month, my dip is continuing nicely.

I’m currently on 300mg of Wellbutrin a day, which has done precisely zero. So that’s ssri #3 that’s an all around waste of time. My job is still slowly wearing me down to nothing and beyond. I’ve no prospects, as life in general tells me ‘No’ on a daily basis. Be it tossing out my resume to a few dozen places in recent months, to applying to a secondary school and denied (3 times no less for my career of choice I feel I would be great at, but early 20’s ‘bar stars’ are preferred by what I’ve seen), to my marriage being stagnant as a whole.

The bright spots are that my child is happy and healthy in every way, and my spouse thinks all is well beyond me being ‘down’ often.

A recent trip to my GP left me being told I’ve undiagnosed Major Depressive Disorder. When I asked ‘But the clouds lift once in a while, no?’ I was told ‘For some. For others it doesn’t.’

I’ve a follow up appointment in a couple weeks where I’m going to be told that since 3 different ssri’s did nothing, and the plethora of other ‘depression breaker’ activities haven’t done anything, there’s nothing else my GP can do (his words).

Thankfully, once this round of meds is done, and i’m fully off them, I can get back to using Alcohol which helps in small bursts, when used responsibly.

That’s about it.