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Miniature Bodhisattva

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  • August 12, 2016 at 7:05 pm in reply to: Podcast Request #112270
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    I rather like “The One You Feed”.

    August 10, 2016 at 7:25 pm in reply to: How to cope with the suicide of a sibling #112112
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    I lost an uncle and a school friend to suicide. With my uncle it wasn’t a surprise since he had been dealing with severe depression for a long time, but with my friend it was a complete shock. Here were somethings that helped me through the grieving process:

    1) Let yourself feel every *single* emotion you have – don’t judge what bubbles up. If you feel angry (I felt that way toward my uncle for awhile, I was furious he could be so selfish to leave my dear aunt and two kids, “I don’t care how much pain he was in,” I remember saying to my mother, “you don’t do that to somebody!”) feel anger. If you feel guilt feel, feel that too. (After my friend’s suicide, I keep playing back all of our interactions looking for clues to his mental state – I berated my self for not seeing the sign sooner and not doing anything to stop his death.) The only way to let these these emotions go is to sit with them – don’t try to run from them or suppress them. Eventually, after they’ve been allow to say their peace, they will leave.

    2) Repeat a million times to yourself this mantra, “IT IS NOT MY FAULT.” Friends and family of suicide victims are left believing that they should’ve saved the person, or wondering if something they said/did “drove” them to kill themselves. This is dangerous, and untrue.

    3) You are correct, many people don’t know how to deal with death, much less one by suicide. @elm0505 is wise in advising joining a support group. It helped my aunt a lot to share her feelings with people who experienced the same thing and understood what she was dealing with. If you don’t want to join an in person group, there are lots of ones online.

    That being said, don’t be afraid to voice your feelings to your current group friends. Be very specific what kind of support you want. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time of my uncle’s death, “just hold me and listen.” He looked relieved and later on said how grateful he was that I gave him direction – he wanted to help but was terrified of saying / doing the wrong thing. If your friends are quality people, they’ll come back around.

    4) Take great self care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, get plenty of sleep, watch a funny movie. Emotional healing can be draining.

    Hope that helps! It does get better. I’m so glad you reached out!

    August 7, 2016 at 9:47 am in reply to: break up reason #111761
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Bartlomiej,

    As difficult as this will be while you are sad about this woman, it’s vital you spend all your energy into getting that green card.

    If you are here in America, while the immigration process is not easy, there are resources that can help you through the citizenship process without forcing anyone to marry. The first thing you need to do is *ask for help from a qualified, ethical professional/expert in immigration*. There will be a lot forms, fees, and different agencies you will need to deal with so it will get a little daunting. Having someone who knows the procedure will be invaluable.

    Ideally you would hire a lawyer who specializes in this, but it sounds like your finances are tight. Go to a local library and ask the librarian to help you find free/low cost resources/groups that can assist. Community colleges and religious organizations are also a good place to start. Also, see if there are groups in your community of people from your native country – they might be able to help to and would also understand what you are going through.

    This is going to be very *tough love* here, and I don’t mean to frighten you, but the longer you wait the harder this will be and the more legal risk you put yourself in. Please don’t add the risk of deportation or putting your immigration in jeopardy to your your grief over your breakup.

    August 6, 2016 at 2:32 pm in reply to: break up reason #111735
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Hello @bartlomiej,

    First off, I’m sorry you are in pain. It sounded like you really loved this woman, so please take the time to grieve your loss.

    While I haven’t been in your exact situation, I have been in a relationship where I told the man, “you need to commit or I can’t do this anymore.” (We broke up.) There was also a period in my twenties when I secretly harbored hopes that a man would save me or take care of me. I’m not proud of this – I did learn two important things:

    1) You cannot force commitment. Even if someone does cave in they might eventually resent your for rushing them or making them decide to do something they didn’t want to do.

    2) You cannot rely on anyone else for your survival or well being. You, and only you, can create the life you want to live.

    I’m sure you were hoping that this woman would not only return your feelings, but assist you in securing a green card and build a stable home in your new country. Sadly that didn’t work out.

    Why she didn’t want to be with you? We can only make educated guesses. The important thing is you do the best you can to heal, work toward getting the paperwork done to become a permanent resident, get a job that provides security, etc. This is a lot – a scary to do on one’s own. I admire your bravery in moving and trying to form an emotional connection – but now you need find your own power.

    Good luck to you!

    August 5, 2016 at 10:46 pm in reply to: What is wrong with me?! #111654
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    J,

    Until you start taking steps to deal with your anxiety and improve your diet, the acid reflux will probably continue to be an issue. Anita has some great suggestions for how to tackle the anxiety issue. I challenge you to try something off her list tomorrow. If it doesn’t work, try another one. Keep going until something sticks.

    As for the diet, it sounds like you use food (to some small degree at least) as a self medication for your anxiousness. This is not uncommon, and I’ve done it myself. If you’re not in a place to give up all the junk in your diet, can you at least part with the worst trigger food? For me it was soda. I made a deal with myself that I could eat all the other crap, but no more Coca-Cola for awhile. I then started drinking a ton of water and decaf tea – which is important, because when you give something up your body/mind will search for something to fill the void. Try it. Even if it’s for one day – or one meal. Work with a nutritionist to see if there’s healthier versions of your favorite dishes. I got turned on to fruit infused water which tricked my brain I was still having a sweet, sugary drink.

    I’m sure what Anita and I are saying is probably causing you to be anxious. That’s OK. Don’t aim for perfection – aim for progress! Your body will reward your efforts, even the small ones.

    Good luck. Hope you had a safe trip to Vegas.

    August 5, 2016 at 10:30 pm in reply to: being creative in life? #111652
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Being creative isn’t just limited to visual, literary, or performing mediums – it is the act of creation through imagination – putting something on this earth that wasn’t there before. Creativity, like so many other things in this world, can be expressed positively, negatively, or in a neutral manner, so sure – it can be applied to less than noble pursuits, but no matter it’s aim, it is trans-formative.

    I’ve seen it at work in how an individual will plan an event, or problem solve. My friends who are really talented cooks will always try something new when making a recipe. A co-worker will come up with new reasons to skip out early on a Friday. 🙂 Again, all creativity in action.

    And yes, this applies to self improvement. You rearrange your thoughts, edit them, find those new insights, until this fresh mental landscape is painted onto the canvas of your brain. In many ways we are our own opus, our own masterpiece.

    Keep on creating Sann. You’re asking some really good questions!

    August 4, 2016 at 10:24 pm in reply to: I don't know what to do… #111560
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Hey bloo64,

    As a fellow creative (visual arts), I can speak to what you’re going through a bit.

    Music, like any passion, has its ups and downs. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, I’m sure you can remember the rush of falling in love, and then discovering that the object of your affection could not continually sustain such ardor indefinitely. On top of that, you find out things take work, which makes you question and doubt. Soon you are asking yourself, “is this right for me?”

    One of two things happen: 1) you ride out the wave of insecurity and the work you put in pays off – you feel re-energized, and “fall in love” all over again…or 2) things get worse, what once was the center of your world is now a burden, and eventually you realize this is no longer right for you. You let it go.

    So you see my friend, what you are experiencing is normal. I’ve fallen in and out of love with art multiple times. Sometimes I needed distance from it to re-ignite the flame, other times I just had to press on and make improvements to *myself* first (learn better time management so I could carve out an hour in the studio – eat better so I didn’t feel so drained and unable to sketch).

    Taking a creative passion into a profession is no easy thing. Often this is what does people in. Music has become a chore for you. Don’t be afraid to take a break from it if need be. When you’ve re centered yourself then you can decide to continue on your education.

    Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way” goes into your issue and many others facing visual artists, musicians, dancers, writers like you – I highly recommend.

    Good luck!

    August 2, 2016 at 8:31 pm in reply to: Are there any other word processing programs? #111387
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    What tablet do you have?

    I would first check out Google Docs – it’s free and cross-platform.

    August 2, 2016 at 8:28 pm in reply to: I can't understand what my boyfriend wants.. to be with me or not? #111386
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Thanks all for replying but still I can’t understand.Fact is I can’t leave him as I love him & also can’t live like this as I miss him alot.
    But he make efforts only when I get angry or I fight N says will change etc. But repeats all over again. He was not like this, this change came in last 6 months as our relationship grew closer. I know he loves me, cares for me & want to spend his life with me then why he do so even after knowing it will hurt me.

    Oh dear gg4tp, the reason you can’t understand is his behavior is beyond understanding. A person who truly loves you *and* is right for you makes an effort and isn’t constantly fighting with you. The divorce courts are clogged with couples who loved (or in some cases, still love) each other, but love isn’t enough. It’s a very important part of a relationship, but you also need to be able to communicate!

    I respectfully disagree with Nina’s post above, this is a repeated pattern of behavior and simply being patient and hoping this blows over is not the way to deal with it. Again, please seek either counseling for yourself and/or for the both you! The fact that you say, “I can’t leave him” and “I can’t live like this” do not paint a picture of a woman ready for marriage. It instead portrays someone who is in deep pain and needs help, probably more than what this site can provide. (I don’t mean that you should stop posting here – far from it – but we posters can only do so much.)

    Best of luck to you!

    August 2, 2016 at 8:12 pm in reply to: Seriously? #111381
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Oh goodness gracious, the social landmine infested landscape that is Facebook…

    …let’s just say, for a moment, Mark Zuckerberg had decided to stay at Harvard and study medieval French history instead of dropping out and founding the social networking site we all love (or loathe) today. In an Internet-less world would you have kept up CBF after he got engaged, nevermind married? (Like call him, send him a holiday letter, etc.) If your answer is no, why? If your answer is yes, why? Take the technology out of this for a moment, and it might give you some insight as to what to do.

    Not that you owe his new bride anything, but I would recommend taking a moment to step into her shoes and think about how you’d feel if an ex was reaching out to your spouse/significant other. I know I would be upset unless there was some really good reason (they share a child together for example). It wouldn’t even be out of jealousy per se, but more of a symbolic holding onto a past that should be released.

    Hopefully I’m not out of line with what I said, but I’ve never understood why folks are “friends” with people on FB they wouldn’t be in contact with them in real life.

    My two cents (or should I say given the technological nature of this thread, my two bitcoins). 🙂

    August 2, 2016 at 7:49 pm in reply to: What is wrong with me?! #111379
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Hi J,

    I’ve recently battled acid reflux myself so I can speak to this a little bit, but before I do I have to give the standard disclaimer of how I’m not a doctor, seek professional advice on medical matters, etc. etc. Whew! I feel better having got that out of the way! 🙂

    Acid reflux is no joke. In my case it got so bad it gave me heart-attack like symptoms. Like you my primary care doc gave me some prescriptions to calm it down, and after a month I’m now symptom free! My doctor is now going to try to pull me off the medication as some recent studies have shown that proton pump inhibitors (PPIs) drugs have been linked to dementia. (Better safe than sorry I say!)

    Stress is a huge contributor to acid reflux but it’s not the only thing – diet is another. (I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.) I had to cut some foods from my diet (soda, coffee, chocolate, and limit citrusy foods) as they tend to cause your stomach to produce more acid. Bland foods like the bananas you’re are already eating, rice, steamed veggies, oatmeal and decaf teas do wonders to help calm your tummy down (bear in mind you’ll have to practice portion control). If that doesn’t help you may want to explore the possibility of a food sensitivity or allergy.

    Hope that helps! And yes, like Anita says, do what you can to get out of that toxic job. Your health my very well depend on it!

    August 2, 2016 at 6:29 pm in reply to: When you mess up… #111369
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    Looks like you’ve had some helpful feedback/notes from Anita, etc., but I will follow up to the questions you asked me (at least I assume you were asking – maybe what you wrote was purely rhetorical):

    And I don’t know what this processing looks like? Sitting at home alone, reflecting? Just doing things that I enjoy? You can see how I feel quite lost and confused sometimes.

    Processing is *exactly* what you said, sitting with the feelings and reflecting on them – pouring them a figurative cup of tea and ask, “OK feelings, who are you, what are you about, what am I to learn from you?” Listen to what they have to say, and say your peace in return. (I know this sounds a little new-agey/woo-woo, but I’ve found it works.) Give every feeling their own moment/attention: the ones you have about your mother, J, R, S, that jerk that cuts you off in traffic – everybody. Eventually the feelings will have said everything they need to and then they’ll be able to go away.

    And yes, dealing with feelings doesn’t mean running from them or numbing them. (I hear you about doing everything you can to blot them out – food and television were my distractions of choice for years!)

    I’m not saying you need to go into therapy, go on some meditation retreat, become a hermit (I mean, you can if you think it would be helpful!) – but do carve out the time. Posting on these boards is a good first step!

    Again, best of luck to you my dear.

    August 2, 2016 at 5:31 pm in reply to: Fun board game suggestions #111361
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Risk! (An oldie but a goodie)
    Apples to Apples (it’s a more family friendly version of Cards Against Humanity)
    Gravwell: Escape from the 9th Dimension

    August 1, 2016 at 2:38 am in reply to: How can I love myself? #111157
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Norit,

    Anita is right, you can definitely heal! The biography section of any local library/bookstore is filled with stories of individuals who went through horrible things/challenges and persevered! Now if you’re saying to yourself, “oh, but those people aren’t me” you’d be right, but most of those people also went through a period of doubt like you are now. So why can’t you also overcome your obstacles too? The fact that you are reading articles on the site and learning from them is a sign that you are on your way! Loving yourself is a skill – and if you weren’t born with it, you need to practice it everyday until it becomes as natural as breathing.

    Good luck to you!

    August 1, 2016 at 2:15 am in reply to: Everything was perfect then he backed off #111155
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    I’m sorry, but I’m going to agree with XenopusTex. The fact he has “unresolved business with his ex” and that he liked meeting you are things somebody writes when they’re trying to let somebody down gently. (Which is very kind of him – some people aren’t that considerate.)

    It is rare to meet somebody who is compatible with you, but not as rare as you think. If there’s one thing I’ve learned living on this planet for so many years is there are many people who we can be happy with.

    You mentioned it had been awhile since you dated, so it’s understandable that this match had extra intensity for you, which makes it more of a challenge to let it go. Take comfort in the fact that all the hard personal work did bear fruit and you were able to attract a nice fella. And if you did it once, you can certainly do it again!

    I would however advise you to take a breather to grieve the loss and examined what you learned from the experience.

    Best of luck to you!

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