Hi Anita,

Thanks so much for your response and I do look forward to sharing more about my BPD mom in the future. It is comforting to know I’m not alone in this experience.

Regarding my boyfriend, we just had another conversation. I tried to focus on the fact that conversation seems strained or awkward sometimes and I feel like I don’t really know him. Sadly this turned into a mild argument that proved not too useful. We talked and he said that he’s always thinking about the next thing because he’s driven, the next few years he’s going to be very busy and focused, and he’s constantly thinking about the world, checking the news in the morning, etc. and that’s how he is. My response was that it feels as though he’s so focused on the world yet he’s neglecting the one person he should be most intimate with. This didn’t accomplish anything.

I don’t know how to articulate my needs because as someone raised by a BPD mother you can guess I have a hard time paying attention to my emotions and sticking up for myself. So after a few minutes the conversation got out of hand and I lost my focus, if that makes sense.

I tried to express to him that I’d like him to be more open with me. He’s so closed off and he knows he doesn’t share much about himself. I don’t see any effort on that end. I’m devastated. He keeps going back to the fact that he’s very busy with school and it’s challenging to find free time yet my point is that open communication about his challenges is important if for nothing else than for me to understand what he is dealing with. He doesn’t share this stuff with me.

I’m devastated.

I don’t want to break up with him, but I hate this dynamic of me carrying the emotional weight in this relationship and it is not good for my mental health. I just want to feel loved, have his attention, etc.