Isra, this situation sounds like the opposite of what I went through.  I was so messed up at your age that I drifted away from all of my good, positive friends and sought out (subconsciously) losers who were like me and who would drink, do drugs, and other “bad” things.  I probably felt like I was less than perfect, in relation to the good friends I had, so I couldn’t handle the comparison in my mind and let them all drift away.

A few years later, I was doing what you were and getting in touch with who I wanted to be and dropping other friends who didn’t fit with who I was becoming.

It sounds like you are trying your best to make this change in the kindest way possible, which is very good of you.  Some of your former friends might actually be inspired by you, though mostly you might get negative reactions (like, “what, you’re too good for us now?”), even though you aren’t trying to shut them out entirely.

The changes you are making sound very good and healthy and it sounds to me like you are handling it all in the kindest way you possibly can.

Good luck with everything!

Mimi

kayyli,

I was thinking that it’s good that you can see (in your memory and mind) a lot of the things that show you just how messed up your mom was. I mean, seeing the look of enjoyment when she hurt you, etc. I’m not saying those are good memories, but the good thing is that you can see very clearly how it’s all her, and none of it was your fault. She has a real sickness, which is sad, because you had to be on the receiving end of it, but at least maybe you don’t have any feelings of blame directed at yourself? Some people do when they’ve been in abusive relationships.

I don’t know if this helps at all. I just thought of it when I was trying to sleep earlier today.

Without knowing more yet, the only thing I could suggest right now is dealing with him as little as possible, then get away from him. Just answer questions briefly or tell him what you need to tell him, calmly and unemotionally, then go on about your business.

I don’t know if this is possible, but if it is, maybe it would help.

Fixing or changing him will probably never happen, but maybe you can lessen his effect on you.

I can certainly relate to that feeling of guilt after talking or complaining about my mother. My husband said once about the guilt, “That’s because she has you well-trained.” He’s right. That’s how she used to be. Always wanting me to be how she wanted me to be, and wanting me to feel bad whenever I wasn’t pleasing her. That’s how you make a little quiet, robotic child who doesn’t bother you too much (but who is a mess on the inside, of course).

It’s interesting, though, that recently when I talked about my mom on this thread, I didn’t feel that guilt at all. Partly it’s because I wasn’t discussing her anywhere that it could get back to her (like, if I wrote to my sister and it got accidentally forwarded), but also I think it’s because we are in a much healthier place right now with our relationship.

Kavita, any technique you use that works for you with your mother is a good one. I can tell you from experience that getting that pain to stop is the first step towards feeling so much better. After that, there is still a lot of healing to do, but when you stop the new pain and criticism from piling on top, it’s a lot more manageable.

Just use some self-talk whenever those guilt feelings come up, and tell yourself that it’s for your health that you have to let these things out and try to put a stop to the new hurts, too.

I was thinking that maybe more than one gift would be a good thing, so he doesn’t read too much into just one thing.

For instance, you could put in one box a rock (wrapped carefully), a photo of the two of you at one of your happiest times, and a third thing that might symbolize his individuality, like something to do with a hobby of his, thereby showing that you respect his interests?

Christmas is definitely an emotionally-charged time, filled with many expectations. I’d try to keep things lighter and more fun, for the sake of your relationship and your family, too.