Inky – Thank you for your reply.

Perfect advice that I will take on board.

Anita – You’re right, they have all asked this summer why she won’t visit and why there is no relationship with her anymore, and my eldest has felt angry towards her. I don’t want them to feel how I do at all.

Jodi- I have to agree. My mothers behaviour has been very hot and cold all my life, and she can also be aggressive in her manner and controlling. My sister is exactly the same and I am 100% sure she has a serious PD. My younger sister is more like me and we are more sensitive and laid back.

Saiisha – So true, I knew all my life their behaviour wasn’t normal but I put up with it because ‘we are family’ as they used to say. I could write a book on all they have done to me through my 35 years. I feel so liberated to have walked away from them. Sadly the final straw led me to anxiety and panic attacks that I haven’t fully recovered from but honestly I wouldn’t change what happened to me. I have found myself in the storm. I found yoga, meditation and I am now learning more about spirituality. I would never have done any of those things before as my family would have picked fun and be littled everything I did. I remember when I went to university to do my nurse training 6 years ago and my mum refused to look after my children or even help me. I went and I paid for childcare which really put my mums nose out of joint. 2 years later my sister started uni for her nurse training and my mum to this day still looks after her sons daily so she can work, and she did this for her all through uni. When I asked why she wouldn’t do this for me she said ‘well Jo really wanted to be a nurse, you always change your mind and don’t stick to anything’ I felt hurt. The reason I left uni after 12 months was due to anxiety and panic attacks that again were caused by my family being aggressive towards me. Now I feel happy, I am doing what I want to do in life. I may not be going to uni and yes I can be a bit indecisive but that is mainly due to anxiety and having no confidence in myself.

I do remain civil with my sisters but I don’t want a relationship with them, that angers them and frequently they will get intouch asking why I don’t ‘bother with them’ or try to see the children. I miss my niece and nephews and I feel so sad I am not an auntie to any of my siblings children, it pains me but I had to back off from family after what they did to me. The day after my brother chased after me and was arrested my sisters went on a day trip to the beach with him and posted photos all over Facebook. They didn’t once ask how i was, or come to check I was ok. One of my sisters, the one that is extremely volatile, messaged me threatening she would ruin my life if I didn’t delete all her partners family off my Facebook as she didn’t want them knowing what my brother had done, like she thought I would broadcast it on my Facebook. Noone knows other than those i have chosen to confined in. She also messaged my husband and told him to leave me, lied to him saying I plan affairs,…. you name it she said it trying to destroy my world, like I hadn’t been through enough terror the day before 🙁 This was all because my brother was ill and violent and he had social services at his home due to someone reporting him for child abuse. This was not me but I was accused and abused by my family for a year until I hit breaking point and became so unwell. My own Mother came to my house the evening after I was terrified by my brother shouting at me saying I got him arrested and if he killed himself I would have blood on my hands 🙁 It was then I walked away and I never looked back. I used to suffer from extreme anxiety, stress, chronic headaches and panic attacks. My husband said he came home to a very unwell wife every night and it was all at the hands of my toxic family. Now he says I am calm, happy and a little spiritual yogi as he calls me 😉

It’s funny because now they all beg me to be in their lives and say they were all in the wrong and they know i didn’t do anything at all. It’s too late for me, I have walked away. Being civil to my sisters is all I can offer and it feels like i have to be the same with my mum. I used to cling to mum, I used to think I needed her if I was ill or anxious. In the last 3 years where has she been for me? When I had crippling agoraphobia, panic attacks… she had no time for me yet she supported my brother who was diagnosed with a personality disorder and resented me for not letting him back in my life and for not letting him see my children. She has made my life so difficult at times. All I wanted was to forget them and move on with my mum in my life, I used to cry and ask why she resented me, write her letters…. This year I stopped all that, I make no effort but it still hurts she hasn’t bothered to put the effort in. She doesn’t see my children, she doesn’t even try. I called her last night to tell her about my blood tests as I have been told I have low iron and I am developing hypothorydism. Her reaction was very little, no love or support. When I told her my son (who now suffers anxiety after seeing my brother attack his dad) is very anxious about starting high school tomorrow and I am trying to get the school to support him with an in school counsellor, mums reaction was very little because she knows my brother caused his anxiety. She said nothing and when I said I had to go and said goodbye she didn’t even wish my children well for their new school year or say give my son a big hug. Nothing, so you all made me think, yes does she actually love my children? What hurts me is she very obviously loves my siblings children. She is with them all day, every day. She sleeps over at my sisters the night before her sons birthdays. She has stayed over throughout the school holidays to be with them more. My children get nothing unless i chase her and ask her to visit them.

I sent her a message the other night asking why she doesn’t visit, I just needed to know. She said ‘I have visit them this summer, I don’t’ know wha you’re talking about’ She has been twice and those 2 times she was with my sisters sons. I said ‘but you didn’t come alone all summer like usual, you haven’t been for your weekly visit since May and you haven’t attempted to call the children but you’re with your other grandchildren daily’. Her response was ‘ I have been to see your children and I love them just as much as my other grandchildren’. I left it there, I don’t want to get into a family argument because my sister would have soon messaged me abuse for upsetting mum when that wasn’t my intention.

I told my husband last night what you had all said on here and he said you all talk perfect sense. He knows it hurts as he walked away from his mum who is very violent and toxic. She threatened to rip my throat out infront of my children once, she has never liked me. It seems not many people do and I cried to my husband last night and to my friend and my husband said ‘Julie you are lovely person, kind and beautiful inside and out’ my friend said ‘sadly you and your husband were handed toxic family members’. You just start to turn it on yourself thinking am I a bad person for these people to turn on me 🙁

I have been ill all summer due to my thyroid problem, I haven’t had any support, every day I have got on with it despite my chronic fatigue and ill health that’s suddenly hit me. I have anxiety and get very anxious being alone with my children sometimes, yet my husband started a new job this summer 30 minutes from home which is a huge change from 5 minutes away, but I did it. You know what I am very proud of myself. My mum looks after my sisters children and she needs to be there daily, she hasn’t offered to help me out, not even for one day and I am bloody proud of my achievements. I was once a week person who felt she had to put up with the family abuse because I needed my mum and my children needed their grandmother, but now I realise I actually don’t and in these last 3 years since they turned on me i have grown and I am the person like you say that mirrors how they should be and how they should be treating eachother. I have a wonderful family and I know we are what a true family should be, we treat eachother with love and respect and I know we always will.

Sorry that got long, thank you for letting me talk to you on here it has helped me so much.

Ju/Libby

Thank you James, lovely explanation and easy to understand.

I shall check out the books, thank you.

I love learning more and as I said above, I have recently found a way of life that has made me feel better and calmer. I just want to make some more changes and focus 🙂

Libby/Julie

Inky. Thank you for your reply.It helped alot.

I will have to read the yogi book, I love yoga.

Thanks again

Julie

Pink

Thank you for your lovely words.

I totally agree, mum tried shouting at me, demanding, telling me lies that my sister was sorry when infact she wasn’t…. so her last tactic is to cut me out hoping I will come running. It won’t work with me now and I feel very sad that my mum feels she has to do this but it also says alot about how much I mean to her.

At the end of the day they will regret doing this, as they will have missed my children growing up, they will have missed seeing me and my husband, we were the heart of the family. We held all the parties, BBQs, Christmas…. Now we centre our life around us, and our beautiful family. My circle may have got smaller, I may haves less people in my life but for sure it’s quality over quantity.

Thank you.

J Lib

Anita

Thank you so much for your reply, it was just perfect and made me realise everything I have done has been the right thing to do.

I cut my brother out of my life almost 3 years ago now, I won’t allow him back into my life. I have to do what’s right for me and my children. My family comes first. When I was unwell my children had to witness their mum unable to go out of the home, we couldn’t go on holidays, days out… and I beat myself up for that. Thankfully my children are the most beautiful and understanding children I know. When I started going out again they high fived me, they spurred me on to keep going and overcoming my anxiety. My husband and my children were my rocks and I won’t allow anyone to destroy me again so that I go back to being that unwell.

My sister, I cut her out last summer as I gave her chance after chance to stop being abusive to me, she can’t change, it’s who she is. Everyone around me says she has always been toxic and it’s in my interests to stay well away. Even my GP has said my family are toxic and I am a new person since walking away from them. I had crippling anxiety most of my life to be honest, but in the last couple of years after my brother and sisters physical and mental abuse that was when it got severe. Now I am like a new person, it’s amazing. I feel free, I don’t feel I am waiting for something bad to happen, I don’t live on the edge of my seat afraid.

With my mum yes I have tried to let her back in, and she had been much better with me but this time she has cut me out, she won’t even call to speak to her grandchildren. I agree with what you have said, she is trying to manipulate me. She thinks by staying away from me, cutting me out for no real reason, I will come running and give in to her demands to speak to my siblings again and attend my sisters wedding. She has a total disregard for my feelings and what I went through.

My mum has caused me so much pain in my life and I have always forgiven her because yes, she is my mum. One thing I have realised these last few years is you don’t have to keep forgiving and putting up with people hurting you just because of DNA binding you together. My family made me believe you have to, but what you allow will continue and I have taken a stand and I won’t allow it any longer.

One thing you said that struck a cord in me is that really what am I missing? yes she is my mum, but in the last 3 years where has she been? she hasn’t supported me, she hasn’t behaved as though she loves me, she only visits to see the children and I feel unloved. So why am I this upset about her cutting contact with me? It’s just because she is my mum and my childrens grandmother and I feel sad for them. It is them I am upset for because I had the most wonderful grandmother (my mums mum) and she passed away 3 years ago just before I cut my family out. She was the most amazing person, she was like my mum and I am still not accepting she has gone very well. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I wish she was here so I could spend some time with her. I don’t feel like that about my own mum, if anything I resent my mum for the way she has treated me. I don’t need those negative feelings in my life. My mum stopped calling her own mum, she never visit her and my Nan would call me crying that her own daughter made no effort. My mum is a very ‘chase me’ type person, if you don’t go to her she sulks. She is a difficult person. My mum hurt me alot in the past and I forgave her, so it does hurt she is cutting me out after me giving her another chance at our relationship. She offers me nothing but hurt, resentment, fear…. so why am I upset. If I carry on allowing this it will continue so I am not going to call her, I won’t chase her, she is trying to manipulate me again and I won’t have it. I deserve to be happy and I know i will without my mum around, if cutting our my siblings improved my life dramatically then maybe it’s just my mum left dragging me down.

My mum sees no wrong in being with my manipulative sister, my sister controls my mums every waking hour. My auntie said to me, as long as your sister is around you won’t have your mum in your life, she controls her to much and your mum likes it. My mum brings my sisters children up like her own and my mum loves to feel needed. All I have ever wanted from my mum is her time, not to babysit, or clean my home, or help me bring my children up….. just her time. Obviously that isn’t enough.

Thank you for your reply, it’s really helped me.

Thank you

J Libby

Thank you all so much for replying.

I have bought the Untethered Soul and I shall be reading it this week. Thank you TJ.

Thank you Jim, I shall look that book up now 🙂

Ellie G, I bought the Zen and the art of happiness and Wow I am loving it. I am 75% of the way through it now and I am already looking for a similar book. I am really interested in buddhism and positive thinking. I have had a tough life and suffered extreme anxiety the last 2 years after I went through a horrible experience with my extended family ( that I have since walked away from) My life is now good but the anxiety still affects me daily. I am finding yoga and mindfulness helpful but feel I need something more as I am so negative. This book really did help. Thank you so much.

Thank you Bon. I have heard about The Secret. There are alot of negative reviews on Amazon aren’t there. I shall check it out though. 🙂

Thank you Benz Rabbit. Lovely song 🙂