Thank you Sara.

Great advice. I do make sure my children see their grandfathers and they have a big circle of friends. My children are really happy and go out with friends most days, very sociable and having lots of fun which makes me feel better about the family situation.

I did something brave this week and I chose not to let my mum visit on my sons birthday. I told her I was taking care of my health, I need some more tests and don’t want to risk a crash because for me it isn’t worth it. I didn’t mean this in a rude way but I told her, her visits make me feel anxious and in turmoil inside which causes stress in my body and leads to a huge crash for days after, so I get nothing but negative from her visits. If the positives outweighed the negatives then the crash would be worth it but as things are they don’t. When she visits I feel nothing but hurt, resentment and fear. I told her this in a polite way and said for now I have to focus on myself and getting myself well has to be my priority because I don’t have family support, other than my husband and my children deserve a well mum again. She was shocked but agreed to it. I said my husband could bring the children to visit her at her home on Sunday and that’s what they did. She gave my husband some flowers to give to me, something she has never done and it did upset me because all I want is her to be a mum not send me flowers, although it was a nice gesture.

I had messaged my mum last week to tell her I was unwell and needed more tests which I was quite anxious about. She ignored the message and eventually she rang me 28 hours later and said she had been helping out my sister staying over at her house as she was ill with a virus and didn’t want to be home alone with her husband out on stag night, so my mum offered to stay to help her. It stabbed me hard in the heart because I have been ill a year and she has never once offered to support me. I just had a 4 week flu virus on top of my ill health and had to take care of ill children, my mothers response at the time was ‘oh dear’ when I told her pn the phone. So it hurts me she sent flowers yet can’t be a mother like she is to my siblings. I am ok though because this last few weeks has taught me something. We had a our big talk at Christmas and it’s made me stronger because now I can walk away guilt free because since the talk ok I have said I am too unwell for visitors right now but my mother still hasn’t offered a single day of support to me, a visit is tea nad cake but an offer of support is coming to my home to help me out when I am unwell and have children to care for too. So now I can walk away and just accept she can’t be the mother I need, and I can’t expect her to be like the mother i am, I have my standards of what a mother should be like and she has her own. I cannot force her to be caring, loving and show it like I do to my children.

Yesterday a friend in the US sent me out of the blue the most beautiful message. She told me I was a wonderful mother, she admired me and inspired her to be a good mother to her child. She said despite my ill health and anxiety I put my children first and they are such happy, confident, kind hearted children. She told me she was proud of me and that I should love myself because she adores me. It made me cry my heart out, we haven’t spoken in a while and out of the blue she sent me that. Well it was amazing and made me feel so good about myself. My mother called to speak to my son last night on Facetime. It was his birthday yesterday. I stupidly told her I’d received this beautiful message and she just looked at me with a look of either guilt or jealousy and said ‘oh nice’ and there was an awkward silence. I felt hurt but then said to her, it made my day and made me feel better about myself. She said nothing. When we were children she was always so angry and jealous if we said our friends mums were nice, she would lash out and say ‘well go live with them then’ It’s as though she is jealous of anyone doing a good job as a mother and maybe hearing I was told I was a good mother made her feel more guilty for letting me down, I don’t know but if my daughter told me she had received a message like that I’d have said ‘well you are a good mother, an amazing one’. My mother has never told me I am a good mum, or brave and strong. I wished I’d never told her but it was another message from the universe telling me I am doing right staying away from her.

Sorry to have offloaded all of that. I am in a good place right now and yesterday for the first in 4 years I enjoyed my childs birthday, I felt relaxed and happy. My sisters didn’t send my son a card of gift again, which really didn’t upset me at all. I still acknowledge all my nice and nephews birthdays by sending cards and gifts and will continue to because I still do love them, it’s their parents who have driven me away and that is something I can’t go back to but I won’t stop loving their children.

Julie

Thank you Anita.

Thank you Anita

I agree totally. I have had my cortisol tested and it’s a little on the high side and told it’s due to chronic stress, that’s hwy I haven’t been seeing family either and I feel much calmer for it. I am on 75mg of thyroxine now so hoping that along with less stress will help my thyroid. I have no doubt in my mind that the post traumatic stress has led to my health problems.

I agree, the first 2 years after the attack I wanted my mum, I was hurt she rejected me and my children but last year all that need went and I became angry at her for rejecting me and my children. Now I honestly do not want her in my life, I feel very little for her other than rejection and hurt. I have changed in the last year and realised who loves me and is worth having in my life are those that have supported me. I have had this ill health a year and it’s been so hard taking care of my children and chronically unwell with my underactive thyroid. I did it, I survived it and still am doing without any support from my mother. It changed me and inside I became a different kind of hurt, a hurt that doesn’t want her near me. I can honestly say if she rang me now asking if she could help, if she could come and visit me daily to help me out at home, I’d say no, I honestly would. That’s the difference now. The only thing that pulls on my heart strings is my children. They lost every single family member and I hurt for them. They love my mum and have easily forgiven her it seems for her not being around much in the last 4 years.

I am limiting contact, I haven’t spoken to her recently and have told her not to visit as I am unwell at the moment with a nasty virus and my thyroid illness and need some time to myself. She is accepting it and not forcing any visits, I suspect she is realising it’s not what i want now. Since our talk last month she seems afraid, when she has rung me she’s been on pins and concerned. She even texts me now in the week asking how I am. I can see she is trying but it’s all a little too late and it’s not what I want now. I will always love my mother but I don’t like the person she is. We can’t erase the damage she and my siblings have done to me but I can make sure it never happens to me again. Right now I need space to get well, I have a lot going on with my health as my GP wants to run even more tests which has spiked my anxiety, I don’t have any time for my family. I have already made it clear to my husband if I am ever taken into hospital the children must go to his dad or mine. My mother isn’t to be told I am in hospital. He was shocked but I made him swear to me he won’t involve my family because I don’t want them near my children, they’d have them near my brother and see it as a way to worm their way back in and I owe them something. We have got this far just the 5 of us with our fathers support, we can keep going.

Thank you.
Julie

Anita,

If I didn’t have children, in all honesty I would have cut all contact years ago. I promise you it’s not for my benefit at all as I am the one who feels the negativity and ill health they bring to me. The stress of seeing them causes it. I do it for my children as they ask to see her, ask when she is next visiting and I can’t hurt them anymore by cutting out this last family member, I just can’t do it to them as I know 100$ it would destroy the relationship I have with them as they are hurt enough that other family members have walked out.

It’s not good for me so I am considering my husband meeting my mother with the children for the time being. I have ill health, which is genuine and caused by my underactive thyroid. I need to focus on that and not add stress to the mix as that makes me more unwell on top of what already is a difficult time.

Thank you.

Julie

Anita

I am sorry if you feel ‘done’ reading my post. I shall have it removed, I certainly didn’t mean to offend anyone. I was just posting in Tough Times as right now I am feeling a terrible mother with my ill health, maybe I should not have mentioned the issue with my family.

I am sorry it has offended you and of course you have a right to not read my posts, that is totally your choice and I take no offence from that.

Julie

Thank you Anita

My sister and mother don’t get close enoough to hurt me now, contact is very limited. I have no contact with my brother and younger sister. The issue with my sister is she is polite now, always too nice to me but of course i know it’s false as she isn’t a nice person and when I see her I just think of past abuse and the hurt she has caused me. She also doens’t validate what my brother did to me and expects me to let her have the children at her house and if he visits that’s fine but I have stopped her having the children over and said no to sleepovers. She hates it and tries to pick a fight with me over it but I am hard now and jsut say no. My mother again she is all extra nice with me now, buys my childrens affections when she does see them. She loves my children I know that and I think she is aware of how her past behaviour has damanged our relationship and that’s why she is being so extra nice now. She rings me twice a week now and texts asking how I am since our big talk at new year but I don’t want it, I just am so used to coping alone now that seeing or even speaking to her makes my energy dip and makes me feel unwell. She is accepting this and isn’t turning up to visit now or going against my wishes and just turning up. My son asked her last week when she was visiting next, she said ‘well your mum said I can’t visit during the week now as she is unwell and the week days are busy for her and tiring’ so I took hold of the phone and said to my mum I couldn’t do week day visits as I’m alone in the week, hubby is at work and I have a chronic illness so can’t entertain people. I have to do school runs, cooking, cleaning and that takes every inch of energy. I said we would arrange visits on weekends around my health and when I feel strong enough to have visitors and not crash. She said ‘as long as the children know it’s not that I don’t want to see them’, which made me feel like I was at fault.

The children love their Nan, I can’t take that away from them because if I did I know that would damage my relationships with my children. My eldest would resent me a lot. He rings his nan a couple of times a week for a chat. So I do feel my hands are tied, it’s horrible. I also have social anxiety since the agoraphobia, I said to my husband is is just I want to avoid people, am I wrong and avoiding people? he said ‘no, you’re avoiding those that hurt you and who would blame you. You’re unwell and need to focus on recovery without any reminders of what they have done to you’. I do have social anxiety right now but I think my husband is right, it’s not my social anxiety stopping me seeing family, I just get panicky seeing them in general and right now I am unwell physically and can’t face them.

My sister is 30 in April and messaged me at teh weekend about her birthday party. I said I wouldn’t be attending because I am having health issues still and am unwell, I can’t attend parties as I have chronic fatigue and am in bed as soon as my husband gets in as I have to rest to be able to be a mother during the week. Her reply ‘well I want you there!!!’ I replied ‘well I have to do what’s right by me I’m afraid. I have been very ill for a year and right now i have to take care of myself so I can get well for my family’. She then said maybe my hubby could drop the children off, I said that wouldn’t be an option, my brother is going and no way would I let him near my children. My family love to take our children away from us and then see how they act around my brother. My mum had my sons for a sleepover 2 years ago and she allowed my brother to visit while they were there, I was so hurt and picked them up as the boys were texting me to pick them up as they felt scared. My mother to this day says that they were laughing and joking with my brother and that she thinks we turn the children against him. Of course it couldn’t possibly be his actions are why our children are afraid of him. It hurts that she rubs in my face that my children were laughing and joking with him {they have told me that my mum lied as they didn’t speak to him) I just can’t understand why she would rub in my face that a man who attacked me was all friendly with my children. I feel she cares so much about my brother feeling less guilt as apparently he feels guilty and afraid my children hate him. She cares more about reassuring him than she does how I feel and will rub in my face that my children were happy speaking to him. It’s horrible and that is why I stopped all sleepovers and any access without my husband or I present.

I have taken a stand and it’s by my rules but I just don’t know how else to go about it as I can’t hurt my children, they have lost so many people and I hate myself for that even though I didn’t cause any of it, I stupidly feel guilty. Now i am ill physically and dealing with anxiety again I feel even more guilt.

Thank you for your reply.
Julie

Kat

Thank you so much for your kind words and that new perspective I will take on.

I do feel I always need to act strong, not show my anxiety and weakness. That is why I am so afraid tomorrow I will have a huge panic attack and show myself up infront of the doctor. He is lovely and kind. I hope I can be strong and get through the panic and find some kind of strength and confidence by putting myself through tomorrow.

Thank you

Julie