Do you want to fix this relationship or leave? To me it seems that you are wanting to leave due to not feeling respected and valued and are biding your time while you save up to do so. You need to set boundaries in order to overcome this, and I believe your current financial situation is making you reluctant to do so as not being able to leave takes away your ammo.

Try and see this from her perspective. Her partner will not have sex with her and will not give her a valid reason why. She will pick up on that something is wrong / untruthful there. I have been in this situation before, and it drove me crazy asking why, I eventually ended the relationship as I could sense he was hiding something from me and my self esteem had dipped so low, the shame nearly broke me first wondering if I must be so disgusting. I eventually put no effort in as what is the point anyway, he doesn’t see me.

She is working hard and telling you about how well off you will be when she retires as she wants to provide for you – this shows she cares. She is asking you why you will not have sex with her – this shows she craves more intimacy with you.

If you want to fix this relationship then you need to be very clear about where you stand emotionally. Tell her how you are feeling, and tell her how she can help with this. If she is such a high earner and you do not wish to do all the cleaning, can she not hire a cleaner part time? It could be that she is burnt out from work and just wants to escape (the horses). It could be that she is not confident in her body so does not like to wear nice things, or that thinking about clothes / teeth / chores is exhausting.

You need to decide exactly what you want from this relationship and make it clear, set some boundaries. Don’t try to make light or skirt around subjects, be direct and clear. Tell her what she / both of you can change to make you feel valued and appreciated again. Tell her what would make you want to be intimate again, but make sure to reassure her that this is something that you really want, and that you are fully attracted to her and committed and want to fix the situation. Also be prepared that this is going to initially hurt her due to shame. She is likely to lash out at first. This is temporary, leaving the problem to stew is not.

Bear in mind that being sexually rejected by a partner is very painful, she is trying to bridge a connection between you and you are pushing that away. To have sex with someone is to open up to them and show them yourself at your most vulnerable. At the same time you are looking for emotional confirmation of her feelings towards you verbally by asking what she values in you. I suspect you are both trying to find the same confirmation in different ways.

There is a video on youtube that I think would be incredibly helpful for you to watch, called The Sex-Starved Relationship, by the school of life. Definitely worth a watch. Bear in mind that not everyone reacts by banging around dishes, other people react to emotional pain through escape, avoiding responsibility and chores, and detaching emotionally through hobbies that bring some kind of escape/joy.

I hope things improve for you both. It sounds very fixable if you both love each other, you just both to be very honest with your needs, and accept things are going to have to get rough for a while to get better.