That’s great Allicia!
Good luck with that, come back to update or share anytime you need to.

Dear Allicia,

This is a big step for you, so it’s natural to feel some fear. But it sounds to me as though your high levels of anxiety and this feeling that you are “dying” are related to how scared you are of doing things without permission from your family. I think that as a child you were very scared that your family will be so unhappy with you if you don’t obey, that they will reject you and not take care of you anymore. This huge fear must have felt like dying, or like you will end up dead, because a child cannot survive without his or her family.

I think in order to gradually become more peaceful and confident in yourself, you have to start giving yourself permission to do and enjoy the things that you like. You are the master of your own life. It will be scary at first to learn to trust your own voice but I am sure it will get better. It is not surprising that this is scary and hard for you right now, you are only starting to learn how to trust your own voice and it’s like learning a new skill.

I have no doubt that you are making the right choice, because to be good at something you must like it and you obviously hate what you’re doing at the moment. So I don’t see what can be gained by you staying and suffering longer. Give yourself permission to follow your own voice, you’re the only one who can do that. I know that right now running away into safety feels like a tempting choice, but you said it yourself, it might feel safe but it’s not really living. And you’ll probably be faced with similar anxieties at another point in your life anyway, if you don’t deal with this now.

If your anxiety is getting really strong you might consider seeing a therapist or a doctor. Also there are some great Apps for anxiety relief that can sometimes really help.

Dear Angel1972,

I agree with Inky – you really are better off without this guy.
The fact that you are feeling hurt right now is because he has managed to make you doubt yourself, which is what spending time with an emotionally abusive / narcissist will do. With these subtle messages he put into your head that you are a weak, fragile person who cannot manage a relationship until you “get better”. Do not believe him for a second, this was only a manipulation on his part to make you feel and be inferior to him so that he could establish his control over you. He didn’t necessarily do that in a conscious way, but this is the only way he can function, by making his partner feel small, dependent and miserable. The fact that your life evolved around him and that you are no longer in touch with some of your friends makes me suspect that he very subtly brainwashed you into this, as I have heard similar stories before. I wonder, are the people you are no longer in contact with the kind of people who would have seen right through him and could have warned you about him? It usually is the case that these personalities will identify some of your friends and family as a potential threat to them and will subtly make you stop seeing them.

Please don’t let these weakening messages of his convince you, the fact that you were feeling anxiety was probably because you subconsciously felt that this relationship was unhealthy and wrong. No one should say to you that they “love you but” cannot be with you because of what or how you are, unless you are doing something to hurt them which you obviously weren’t. A lot of people deal with very high levels of anxiety and are still in relationships, and their partners support and help them instead of making their anxiety worse. But in your case it does sound as though the anxiety could have been caused by him in the first place anyway.

Dear dreaming715,

I understand how hard this is for you. When we adopt an animal it becomes like part of ourselves. Some people don’t understand this but I always felt so attached to animals I had and sadder to lose them than I would have felt about some humans I know, just because they are always there with you and you are responsible for them, this creates a very strong attachment.

In what you told I see you went through some difficult things recently, a break-up and a move and also your mom’s issues, even though you’re not close to her, this is probably affecting you in some way. I believe that giving up on Butters might hold more meaning to you than “just” losing your beloved dog (as painful as that is in itself). Because you adopted him with your ex in a time when you were happy together. From your story it seems that you are a very strong person who managed to get back on her feet quickly and fix the immediate problems arising from this new situation, you had to be tough and strong, and maybe Butter is kind of a soft spot for you which makes it that much harder to let go of him. Maybe it is hard to give him up because by doing that you are somehow re-living the breakup in a way?

I believe you already know it will be best for him to go live with your friend, it sounds like she can offer him a great life. I think you should focus on what’s best for him (as I know you are), and remember you are not abandoning him in some animal shelter, you are doing the best thing you can do for him. And I’m sure you’ll be able to see him any time you want and get news of him whenever you miss him.

You are such an awesome person for making this choice for your dog and I’m sure in time you’ll adopt another dog and make him happy too.

Dear Laura,

I understand your worries about feeling alone. It is exciting to move to a new place and start a new chapter in your life, but it can also be scary and feel lonely at times.

I believe that friends can be made more easily at places like work or school, because these are environments where you see the same group of people on a daily basis and are therefore more likely to get close to one or more of them. Also, the mutual interest creates a bond between you. I think it’s not as easy to start a real friendship with people you see more casually, although this is not impossible of course.

Do you currently study or work? What does your average day look like?

Another “tip” which usually works for me is to display interest in other people, but not be too overbearing.
You use the term “best friend” and I understand this is because you have a strong need of creating a bond with someone which will be as strong, or almost as strong, as the one you have with your sister. You want someone to “have your back” the way your sister did when you were growing up, and this is especially important to you now that you are in a new environment and feel vulnerable. As understandable as that is, I would advise you to try and not put so many expectations on new people you meet. Someone might become your best friend in time, but if you are too focused on that and motivated by such a strong need, you might be disappointed, and people might find you too intense.

So I would say, focus on meeting new people and getting to know them, and take your time doing that. Don’t look for a potential “best friend” just yet, if that makes sense.

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Midnight.

Dear allicia,

I know how scary it seems. I believe that your anxiety about this and other life decisions is related to your dad and the way he makes you fear any choice which goes against his opinions and plans for you. But you have the right to do what you want with your life, and you also have the right to stop doing things which make you feel bad and stressed to the point where you want to die.

By the way I didn’t realize you were only 22, I just read back to your first post. When I changed direction I was a few years older than you and it all went fine, please don’t worry about your age, this really doesn’t matter and should not stop you from doing what you want to do. You are still so young so don’t waste your time on feeling old:) You only feel old because your worries and fears are weighing you down, not because you really are.

Feel free to post here any time during your process with this change to get support and feedback.

Also, I think it is sad and unfair the way that your dad has manipulated you into ignoring your own thoughts, feelings and preferences. You should be able to choose for yourself and not be his puppet. I believe you have become so used to doing what he wants that you now believe that your own wishes don’t matter or that you can learn to like things (maybe even people?) who are wrong for you. I think it is important for you to get back in touch with what you want and feel, otherwise you might wake up 20 years from now and wonder whose life you are living…