When we are defensive, it’s because we are trying to protect ourselves from past pains. If the pain has not been properly healed, it will resurface in ways such as defense. I suggest sitting in quiet contemplation for a few minutes and asking yourself why you feel defensive, what of your past you are still holding on to. The first answer that comes up, sit with that for a few minutes. Probably someone or something was a catalyst to your hurt. Then ask yourself how you contributed to the situation becoming painful. Unless we were children and completely helpless, we also contribute to our situations. True healing begins with taking full responsibility for our actions (even if these actions were only 10% in the wrong). So realize where you could learn and grow from for yourself; to break away from patterns that are not serving you.

Then release the situation and the other person. Acknowledge the lesson you learned. This awareness will help you not get in the same patterns for the future. Then release the other person of their wrong-doing. It’s not to say what they did is in the right. They can be wrong forever. But by releasing them, you actively choose to not be a part of their actions anymore. You release the toxicity of the situation and move on.

This process will soften your defenses through time.

I wish you the best on this journey. If you have further questions, you can reach me at info@MichelleZarrin.com

The first step to anything is awareness, and you are now aware of your situation. The next step(s) is to begin to dissolve what you are not happy about.

Perhaps you could take a yoga class. It seems that there are a lot of non-stop thoughts running through your mind. With yoga, not only does the mind have a chance to slow down, but you find that deep self-love you are seeking. It is a science of mind-body-spirit. And when we are in alignment with those three aspects of ourselves, we feel whole. Self-love comes from feeling whole. The deeper of a connection you have to your ‘internal world,’ the more fulfilled you will feel. And the more you will be on the path to attract a partner who is best for your soul.

Dear Calebw,

The thing with anxiety is that it makes us want to have instant solutions so we can get rid of the anxiety in that moment. Going back to partying and your old lifestyle is an instant solution.. But where will you be in the big picture of your life if you do not finish school or find any other responsibilities that make you happy? The only way to rid your problems is to actually face them – even if that seems like the hardest thing to do.
My suggestion is to find a hobby to bring you joy outside of partying – even if it means doing it by yourself. Find an outlet that will not be a potential spiral down. For someone at your age, instant gratification seems legit. But ask yourself what kind of a man do you want to be in 5 years? Where do you see yourself in 3 years? Start to think outside the box of how life sucks right now. And start to take small steps in the direction of the kind of life you want to see yourself in. This world is at your disposal. You can do anything you want and become anyone you want – it does not have to depend on book smarts. It just takes vision and baby steps towards that vision each day.

But if you only focus on partying to rid your anxieties, 5 years from now you will look back on your life and see you had wasted your years away.. It is fun for the moment but becomes a trap for the long haul. Take baby steps each day to find out what your dreams are and then start taking baby steps to make those dreams a reality.

Dear C,

What I am about to propose my seem daunting. But in order to truly raise yourself above the situation you wrote about – or any situation, for that matter, you have to use a mode of going about it that is not in the same energy and mindset as before. If you sit there and think of all the ways you were abused and rerun episodes in your mind, you are keeping yourself within the same energy field as before and not able to move on. So what I am going to propose for you is to pray and forgive. True forgiveness is not about saying the other person is ok. Quite the contrary, they could be in the wrong forever. True forgiveness is saying you choose to not carry their toxicity within yourself any longer. Therefore, you release them. You do not give their actions or their words another minute within your existence. So any time a thought comes to your mind, you work hard on letting that thought go. It’s a training of the mind. This person had occupied a lot of your energy and it’s best they don’t anymore. And when it comes to prayer, pray for them each day for 30 days. Pray for them to find the peace within to not harm people in this world. Because really, how we act on the outside is just a reflection of how we feel on the inside. And this person must have really small and really bad deep within to have lashed out this way. At first, you will feel very emotional when you pray for their well being. You may cry. You may feel angry. But stick with it. Somewhere along the way of those 30 days of prayer, you will softer. Something within you will shift. And this “softness” is not to be confused with weakness. You are merely moving on from the tangled web of emotions around this person. Like I mentioned in the beginning of the reply, you are rising above this person and situation.

And like I said, it takes something completely different than the negativity you’ve been feeling to reverse this cycle – and to even reverse putting yourself in another similar situation in the future. The only way you can reverse the negativity is to fuel YOURSELF with positivity. At this point, (and always) it is about claiming your own power back.

I wish you much strength and peace 🙂

Michelle

Dear All Over Again,

With anything in life, how we are feeling on the inside is the most important… Because our outer world will be a reflection of our inner world. If you are not finding happiness or contentment with any job situations, it is because you need to find peace within. I am sure you are a happy person, but it helps if you raise your vibrations even more. Make a gratitude list. Each day, make a list of ten things you are grateful for in your life. This way, you will feel even better than you do right now. It will give you a look at life as “cup half full” versus “cup half empty.” The changes always come from within. The people in our life always respond to how we feel deep inside. I hope this helps 🙂 I hope you reach your goal of vegetarian ice cream restaurant 🙂 I wish you many blessings!

Michelle