To clarify 20-26 months including the 8 months we have done so far.  But it is still a very long time.

Thank Anita.

I am trying to live in the moment but it so difficult for me to do right now. I only feel pain and I wish for it to stop. I had developed a daily routine with him that has gone on for 13 months.  What do I do with no routine in place. How do I make a new one when I feel this way. I can’t do anything but sit here in silence. Somehow the day is just done and I did nothing. It’s so hard to give up everything all at once. My love, my best friend, and the things that i did every day that brought me joy. There is nothing joyful right now.

ok thank you I will do that.

I’m really miserable maybe i should never date again. I don’t know how I can’t remain in a good relationship like others I know. Why do I constantly get to be in these seemingly happy situations that always end in misery for me.

Well, this does not bring me peace obviously. This and one incident that created our one fight is the only time he has not brought me peace. Otherwise, he brought me so much peace. I was happy every day. I looked forward to waking up to his texts while. Every day felt happy because i knew I had someone there with me supporting me and being patient with me. Every night my night i had someone to virtually spend time with.  It felt good having someone always there for me with everything who wanted to be there. He even listened to me for hours on my worst days. No guy had ever done that for me. He accepted all of my oddities and was always kind and patient with me. I had never been happier in any relationship. All of my other relationships ended because the relationship was not ideal. Three ended with them cheating for a long period of time and them lying to me. Others were toxic, there were lots of issues, lots of anger, and lack of commonalities and communication. This guy felt almost like my perfect fit. He understood me, and he was my intellectual equal. We talked for hours every day all day long thoughout the day and i never felt bored or like we had run out of things to talk about.

I don’t want to think about reconnecting that will give me a false hope. He is so far away. I will not go to China right now or anytime in the future. And unless he has a job or a transfer he will not be here. Him looking for a job here is now off the table because it becomes indefinitely harder and more expensive to come here to find a job stay in a hotel or pay the expenses of NYC.  I was a place for him to stay while he looked also. But he did not get the chance to look. He went to school to get out of the job he had. He hated his life and didn’t want his life to be that foreer. Now with the virus and him in his 30’s he is giving up his dream of starting a new career and will go to work for the same type of job that he hated. I don’t even think that he will be looking for the jobs that he had envisioned having here because they do not exist in Hong Kong.  The chances of us reconnected just dosen’t really seem to be there.  I just have to let go of the best relationship i ever had.

I know it’s not all about me. I know everyone is affected by the virus. But i am not in others life so I can only focus on mine. I feel amazingly depressed nothing works for me ever. Not ever. It’s just a tease. Even if this virus didn’t come for another year he would have already been here. The timing is the worst. It has destroyed everything pertaining to and not pertaining to my relationship.

I was also about to sign a job offer for my ideal job I had been trying for years to get. But then this virus came so that went away too. Just everything is gone except for that lawsuit. That will never go away.

I also wanted to add that this breakup is different. Not only in it being the best and healthiest one that I ever had. When it ended I always thought there was a chance to get it back. I would do the whole not talking to a person thing hoping they would come running back to me. This time it’s different. I don’t even feel that way here. I’m not going to waste hours on getting him back articles and e-books. This time there is nothing to fix. The virus has made it impossible for us to be together. He lives on the other side of the world. It’s just not possible to be together. How do i deal with this sadness with no relief from convincing myself that I will fix it somehow. You know the phases that was always there and made me feel better somehow. This is impossible. This is just life. This is dating someone far away and it not being able to work out. There is nothing to mend. Nothing to change. The virus has made it impossible. I don’t know i’m just so sad. Would it be counter-productive to ask if he loved me since we never said it? I don’t even know if he or not. I guess that makes my relationship unhealthy. But I always felt that he did. He went entirely out of my his way at every point to make sure i was happy all of the time. When he was here whenever he would go out without me he always brought me back things that reminded him of me so many things. He remembered things about me always even from our months of skype he always stared at me and messaged me little things i was doing on a zoom call with others because he was watching me. I’ll just tell myself that he did love me.  I won’t ask. I will come back later i feel like if i stay here i’ll just keep replying to myself I don’t know what do right now. It’s 4am I have no one to talk to.  I am not going to sleep tonight.

I just wanted to leave a happy update for anyone in this situation as I feel people rarely update.

So we have kept this going with no expiration date. So far it has been great. We don’t have anything forced but talk regularly. Sad because he left again today after coming back to spend two weeks with me. It has been pretty seamless so far and we have our next trip planned and he’s actively trying to move here. On his most recent trip here he also spent time trying to speak with people who will result in a job interview here for him. We don’t plan on cutting communication or stopping plans to see each other any time soon.

Feeling ok, although every time he leaves again it is sad.