Hey there Max,

I’m new here and happened to come upon your post while browsing the forums. I’ve been in a situation very similar to yours in the past, and I completely understand how you feel, what you’re thinking and what you’re going through. Hang in there! I know it felt like rock bottom when the relationship ended, and that you’re still hurting, but I want you to know that it does get better. It will! With that being said, I hope you don’t mind that I put in my two cents –

In an earlier post, you wrote that your ex said that even though she cares for you deeply, her heart still belongs to her ex. She then ended the relationship you two had, and went back to him. From what I’ve read, that was less than 2 weeks ago.

I’m assuming that since then, the two of them have coupled up, have been together, and continue to be remain in a relationship with one another until the two of you reach a decision after this week is over – which brings me to my question: what has caused her to suddenly realize that her heart actually belongs to you?

From an outside perspective looking in, I get the feeling that the only reason why she is trying to reenter your life is because she’s beginning to realize that the relationship she’s in now isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. That she’s being reminded of all of the reasons why things didn’t work out between the two of them to begin with, which caused their relationship to end in the first place. So now she’s unhappy…and she’s trying to reconnect with you because things aren’t going as planned with her first choice, and going back to her second choice is better than having no choice at all.

I think Trianglesun summed up your situation perfectly: don’t ever let someone treat you like an option, because once you do that’s all you’ll ever be. And she’s treating you like you’re an option NOW. She’s hurt you in the past, repeatedly. She’s caused you significant pain, and has created so much anxiety in you, that you considered going to counseling (while you two were still in “some kind of relationship”, as she put it). You’ve let her come back into your life several times after she’s mistreated you. And she’ll continue to try and do so because she already knows that you’re “easy” that way, and will probably let her back in.

I could be wrong, and this is just a guess, but you’re probably thinking that she genuinely does miss you, and has finally reached out to you in this short of time, and in this way, because she genuinely does want to be with you.

But why didn’t she choose you first?

You mentioned that you feel like she knows that she messed up, that she isn’t trying to come back because she’s lonely, and that she wants to get back together because she feels like you’re special too.

Were you not special before? And if you were…why didn’t she choose you first?

Furthermore, if you have to mention to her that in order for the two of you to get back together that her ex needs to be out of the picture, that’s a big fat red flag. You shouldn’t have to ask for reassurance that this will happen in order for the two of you to be in a relationship. This should have already happened. She should’ve been the one to tell you that she doesn’t want to be with her ex, that he’s out of her life for good, and that she’s told him not to contact her again.

If this girl genuinely cares about you, she should understand what she put you through, and I mean REALLY understand. She should understand that your heart isn’t something that she gets to play around with whenever she wants to, and she should WANT for you to be happy, even if it’s not with her. In my opinion, two weeks is certainly not enough time for her to realize all this, come to terms with and accept the choices that she’s made, AND reflect on the consequences that have arisen due to her making those choices.

Sorry to be so blunt in saying this, but wake up. Don’t be someone’s second choice. Know your value. And know that there is someone else out there that will make you their first choice. Its tempting, I know. I know that you miss the good times and having her around. I did too, which made me go back to my ex time and time again, only to have my heart broken time and time again. I know that you don’t hate this girl and I think its great that you don’t, but don’t you ever forget about what she put you through. Focus on that and focus on your progression so far. You’ve already put in tons of work in order to stay positive and move on. If anything, consider this: if you do get back together now (no matter if it starts out slow or you two pick up right where you left off), and if she ends up hurting you again, how much is it going to cost you this time?

– Mel