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MurtazaParticipantthe desire in you, it wants to live. It is life itself. It will not allow you to be at peace with giving up on life. It doesnât compromise itself because you think it should.
wow that is really good understanding of it. i didnt look at it in this way. i guess i will always be in between. wanting not to want it in real life because i cant get it. and want it because i desire it.
and i neither have the energy or will to do anything about it. there is so much to do for something normal. i dont see it as a fair deal. i can live without it. and skip this whole suffering. cause im not even sure that with that suffering im gonna get what i want. and i dont rely on hope. either way im going to die so why not make it an easy life for myself
MurtazaParticipantwhat is this thing you desire the most, this thing that will never happen???
the thing i fantasize about. being in love with a woman. dont tell me it could happen cause i know for sure it cant my life is living prove. even if i find the woman (which in the middle east gonna be really hard) i want there is 100 thing that will come between me and the fantasy. so i decided why bother ? when i can have what i desire in my mind. its better then reality anyway. although i never being in relationship and probably wont. and i have never experienced anything remotely close to my fantasy. but i know.
i dont fantasize because my life is miserable i do it because i desire it because it makes me sleep at night
You mean all this pain in you, and no one caused any of it?
well i dont remember caring for anyone enough to let him hurt me. maybe i did it to myself. maybe a lot of people over a long period of time. but it doesnt matter really. im me now. and i dont think i will ever change my mind about life. unless i see something worth living. sadly i see most of the things pointless. and i dont care about myself to try to “fix it” if there is such fix.
MurtazaParticipantI donât know what you mean by âI can only cry about myself.. use my feelings on myselfâ??
i meant that i can only cry about myself. my past or future. i dont want to cry on somebody because i hardly cry and when i do i want it to be about me because im the only one who matters in my life.
What is toxic is some of the behaviors of angry people, like yelling and humiliating a person with hurtful words
i agree. but for me anger only have bad consequences. if i release it. and to answer your future question there is no healthy way of releasing it for me. and if i dont release it i have the same bad consequences. therefore its toxic and there is no escape but to get away from anything that makes me angry. this is my point of view on it
and edit it so it is more clear for me to read, will you?
im trying to be as clear as i can but i just dont know what to say and not say.
I am curious as to approximately how old you are, and if you live with your parents, if you have a job or you are a student,
i dont see how telling you about my life would help but i dont mind. im 20 i live with my family. i live in the middle east so its different. i have no job and i was student and drop out. i actually drop out living as a whole. why ? cause i simply dont like life. i lived it and saw nothing worth living or fighting for. i got my father retirement so i dont need money.
and why you are so alone and lonely and sad.
well i dont like most people and i live in place that most people are so different then me. i might be sad because i live in a world where basic needs have a cost. and the thing i desire the most is never gonna happen
And I wonder about your anger: who hurt you and how
no one hurt me i just like using logic over feelings. i just dont see a point of anger.
MurtazaParticipantthanks for replaying
one of the reasons i sigh up here was you. i saw your replay on an old thread and liked how you response. to be honest i wanted to talk to you (not about my problems or anything just talking really cause you seem like a person who know life and i can learn some things for me) but it seem this site doesnt have this feature and i suppose you dont wanna which is fine. anyway
1) i could never cry in front of people i have a hard time being vulnerable even with close family member. also there isnt a lot of people i know to be honest. its fine tho i dont mind crying alone. i always cried whenever i could even some of the days i couldnt i would just force myself to it.
2) i hardly remember me crying in front of people maybe when i was younger one or twice in front of my mother and her response was normal.
3) being vulnerable with someone i love and trust. more specifically cuddling with someone. and because im detached in the real world i feel more in the fantasy then i could ever in the real world (but thats another topic).
i also should mention that for some reason i can only cry about myself. ever since i knew im alone i decided to just use my feelings on myself. and for some reason my body accepted that. i also should mention that i suppress my anger. and recently i decided that anger is just a toxic emotion and i will try not to be angry. i feel like because i suppress my anger my sadness is suppressed also.
just to note there is nothing i can do with anger. most of my experience with it were bad. i also had 2 burst anger this year where i couldnt control it. but i promised myself to be stronger in the future
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