you are right. the only problem is that whenever i come and do actually talk to you i have nothing to say. even when i try to memorize what i wanted to say (what i said in my imagination) i just lose the words. and when i do actually try i feel like im forcing the words to come out. or just like when i used to ask my teacher silly question just to talk to him. and i dont wanna do that again.

i had a wonderful idea, since we tend to follow our beliefs . we tend to act and feel based on our beliefs on some things. im gonna list some that i think i have and tell you why i have them in the first place. i know most of them are silly and wrong but for some reason they still have an effect on me. or at least i think they do. (maybe because i did actually believed in them in the past and never cared enough to change any of them). i will write them one by one so its easier

i believe that life is only going to be worse for me. this belief i had when i was 14-13. i thought that the more i get older the more i became more miserable and life gets harder. the problem is when i was growing up it was true. i saw life only getting worst and worst every year. i know it is wrong because im way better now then ever. but i can defend this belief with some things. now my mental health became way worse then ever and in the past at least i used to care about things. i am weaker and more helpless then ever and i dont think that i will ever change. and it can only get worse.

what an original way of describing a hug, and it is biologically true

i always thought there is a real meaning to my fantasies. its sad im not very connected to emotional myself

but I would hug her and cry and I would express weakness in front of her

i dont think this would ever happen, but i get what you mean

Did you talk to her so far online, on the phone

i did talk to her on the phone.

what did you tell her and how did she respond?

about my feelings. i told her that i might love her and i dont know. i told her that i like to be weak in front of women. she didnt say anything (i didnt told her that on the phone). we are only friends. i dont think she looks at me like a boyfriend or something and me too.

what did she say to you on the matter/ what were her words?

she told me that she always wanted a friend to share with his experience and to gain knowledge from each other. to recovered both together. she dont mind that i dont care but i feel like i would only hurt her and myself.

what feelings?

feeling vulnerable, just wanting to beg her (for some reason) wanting to hug her and cry. wanting to be weak in front of her

i will add if i think of more things

I am okay with you not going on an adventure journey, like in the movie. You don’t have to. I am okay with you staying where you are, doing nothing much, as long as you do have peace of mind,

thank you. the best thing i did was to just quit life. i talked to many people and they always blame me for wanting this. for wanting just to live. i dont want no woman no money no accomplishments. and im not hurting anyone. but of course people seem to think that there feelings/thoughts/mindset etc. are universal. and just because they did it everyone can.

about the free will. me thinking there is no free will doesn’t make me helpless or make me think i dont have control over my life. i accept that we dont and act like i have freewill. i still make decisions everyday i just dont blame myself when they turn to be bad since i know i couldnt choose otherwise. since im not very good at explaining. there is two vidoes about this subject. one is philosophical and the other is scientific. both are evidence that we dont have free will.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCGtkDzELAI&t=65s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4Oyi1T-HmU&t=1s

i would think i have free will if i have more logical evidence then just “we are free because i think i am”

We human adults have the opportunity to create

i cant create something out of nowhere, i simply dont have the cards. i dont have the desire to change. what do i do about that? how can i create a desire to change ? how can i create a desire to live ? unless i relearn life. and i cant do that since i dont have the desire to began with. even if i had the desire somehow i would still live in shitty place and shitty environment. with so much to work to leave

is your living situation suitable for you, and these plans suite you as well?

it is more suitable then the other options. which would be

1. learning life form the start with no help
2. forcing myself everyday to live such life
3. dealing with a lot of stress for no reason (just hoping there is a reward)
4. having no freedom of my time because i have to work
5. being miserable in that work (i dont like to do anything and in iraq there isnt much options)
6. change my whole personality to Adapt with iraqis
7. by the time i have enough money to leave i would lose the desire to leave.
8. even if i leave there is no place to go. going on 1st world country its like being slave with having to work to eat
9. no guaranteed reward from all this. just hope

tell me what other options do i have ? i actually want to know what do you think i can do that i haven’t done before. i dont want to suffer more for no reason. suffering is useless either way i just have to minimize it. and i know how to deal with this suffering.

you live with a judgmental, ignorant woman who is not interested in getting educated about anything (so her ignorance is her choice), a woman who will not admit she is ever wrong

no i dont live with her. she means nothing to me. but i could live with worst if i ever tried.

tell me if you are in my place what would you do ?

Just so i can be clear about some things cause. one of the reasons i didn’t want to talk about my life is because i will make myself look like the victim. So im trying not to

you told her “no, because I failed”. Your father heard that and laughed. “He was glad because he was cheap”.

When he heard me and laughed he laughed because he knew i hated myself but didn’t bother to do anything. He was glad overall that i don’t take money from him.

The second time you failed in school, your mother made you feel guilty, saying: “why did you fail when I gave you everything”

She did that the first time too. Making me have a lot of self hatred for myself because i was the “good kid”

But you didn’t describe in your posts any memory of her loving you.

Cause i don’t remember feeling love for her. I remember one time i get in a store she was outside and the guy was scary. I ran out to her and cried i was 13 (so i was old for something like that). There was a second time also something like this. I just remember her judging me and not knowing how to handle it. Saying something like “be strong”. When i got older and became depressed (and since she didn’t believed in mental illness) she always blamed me for being weak. And not doing enough.

But he did bother to tell you that you were a loser when you failed school. “It was his way to parent me and show support apparently”

What i meant is that it was his way of helping. Telling me that i am a loser so i can get better. Cause he doesn’t like to use nice words.

Your mother once told you that you are not a man for not controlling your sister.

That was something recent because i stoped caring to be the “man of the house” and became a little feminist. She don’t like that.

I agree, he wouldn’t have the right and she doesn’t have any right over you. You owe her nothing. You have no debt to her. (If anyone owes anyone, it is she who owes you a whole lot).

Whenever i used to tell some of problems to people about this kind of stuff. They always told me that “it is your father” and “you should be thankful to him for giving you birth” like life is so amazing. And since i was religous i used to believe such things. I hate those people and since iraq is a religious country they are everywhere

I still feel bad sometimes for having not wanting to do anything with my mother.

Because your screen name is Iranian, as far as I know (you may be Iranian or not), I googled and found this website, looking for clues to the answer I didn’t get from you (what were your mother’s false hopes and damaged logic?)

Im sorry im from iraq so its close to iran. And thank you for going through all this trouble you really do care

” (I am guessing this is not the case in your household, that neither you nor your mother are involved in decision making. I wonder though how your father has responded to you dropping out of school and not seeking employment)

Well since my mother doesn’t respect my opinion and i don’t really care enough to be the man of the house she is the household. Which still to this day gives me anxiety because in iraq a woman shouldn’t do that when there is a man. So this is one of the reasons people look small of me. Because “how dare i not take of my own mother and take in charge of the house”. But everytime i do actually take the charge she tells me that this is wrong. Everytime i try to she judge me and makes me feel like im not a man to be in charge. And the times i do good when i was in charge doesn’t feel like anything.

One annoying thing that whenever she sent me to the store and tells me to buy X. When i don’t find X and get back empty handed. She tells me why i didn’t buy Y. Then another time when i buy Y she tells me that i should just get back empty handed.

My father died before i drop out. His death was a relief to us all. he was old man nagging all the time and fighting with us for no reason. He always told me when i failed in school that i am a loser. It was his way to parent me and show support apparently. Even if he was alive he had no right to change my mind about not dropping.

When i grew older i thought that my father was right i am a loser. I accepted that long time ago.

I remember when i failed in school for the first time whenever i go to school i used to carry the whole books in my bag. And walk to the school it was half a hour walk. I used to think i deserve it because i failed and no one actually care about punishing me. I used to not spend money and not take any money from my father. I was 15. I even remember my mother telling me to take money from him and in front of both of them i told her that no because i failed. He laughed. He was glad because he was very cheap.

The second time i failed in school i used to cry in my room a lot. Infact it was the first time i cry this much in my life. My mother made me feel guilty because she told me why did you failed when i gave you everything. I remember that i promised myself everytime someone talks about me falling i would just go and watch porn. Since porn/masterbation used to make me feel good and forget. And i did it a lot. With movies and videogames to forgot. I got isolated and saw no point of having friends but then i learn about religion and that a whole another subject

I asked you yesterday: “what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?”. You didn’t give me any information regarding the questions I asked, saying “It isn’t anything specific” (which is saying nothing at all).

Im sorry i just don’t like to talk about my mother since it bothers me. I don’t want to talk about her or have anything to do with her. I don’t care if its my fault. Every time we talk she misunderstand me. She doesn’t respect my opinion. Whenever we go out she do stupid stuff that attracts men attention and i left out with anxiety for not being able to protect her. Since she depends on people i always had anxiety whenever it was a man. At least when i was a kid. And i had a lot of bad experiences with this. A lot of the time men harrassed her and i was always defending her. Even when i didn’t know how. My brother didn’t care and my father didn’t care.

There was also my big sisters which was very soical person so she always wanted to go out i had to go with her and men harrassed her. I was 13-12. I hated it so much and had a lot of anxiety whenever she or my mother wanted to go out.

the false hope was how the world is and how things are. Like the world is a happy place things like that. Since she have a lot of psychological problem. One is that she have Epilepsy but was always going on magicians and religious people. Whenever i tell her to see a doctor she tells me that she went one time and he gave her pills that made her sleep. Whenever i talk to her she sound like a kid. Doesn’t know anything about life. Very simple minded. Everything is black and white. And whenever i talk with her and try to convince her she agrees with me when we are talking and doesn’t say her opinion. but then do the opposite. She makes really stupid decisions and me and the whole family take the consequences then feel bad about her self and me and the familiy take the consequences of comforting her. She has a victim mentally. She told me one day that i am not a man for not controling my sister.

Talking about her makes me think i care and i don’t really