I will surely post my progress and anything else here. Not only because it helps me, along with your great feedback and suggestions I do feel always better, but also for others that may find some help here. They may recognize similar patterns and may feel less alone and frustrated. Reading back my story I see how I stared and how I feel now. It was accusations for others acts – while I am the responsible for protecting my feelings and my desires despite others demands.

This forum has helped me already so much and I hope it will help others too. Many Thanks especially to you Anita!

So I will return soon and I hope to have positive progress!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Mepina.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Mepina.

Dear Anita,

I think as a child, I was feeling I was disappointing my mom once I was doing something childish. She didn’t get angry or punishing me (hit me or shout) but many times she was becoming disappointed with me, telling me: “oh, that was very childish of you and I didn’t expect it from you, you should be more mature and grown up”. And then was distant and sad and in cases she was nto talking to me for much time – that was quite a punishment I guess. So, in my try to win her again I was trying to be good and make the things she wanted so that I would not disappoint her anymore – behave more like an adult and less like a child. It was a distant agony – I could not see it back then but I see it now. This is why I have been always more mature than my age and other children and I have still this guilty feeling once I can not fulfill other desires from me 🙁

I had seen the issue some time ago – but still, even If I have found the root (at least some of the roots) I can not solve it. I guess I need to accept it, forgive her and myself and then stop repeating it or at least try to break free from the pattern.

Thanks again Anita.

You had written some weeks ago: “Dear Mepina: In his last message, he disrespected you by telling you that you “can  not evaluate things right”- I say: your thinking is sensible and you evaluated things very well, just not the way HE wants you to. I think he is trying to weaken you, to break you down; to cause you to feel incapable of thinking correctly, understanding correctly.”

Well, that is what he did in the end!! You knew that already and I had been warned and I simply put myself into the trap like an idiot 🙁 Yeap I am that stupid deer trying to understand others needs and desires without seeing my own ones and by ignoring the danger. I need to understand why I tend to allow pain into my life and keep lowering my self-esteem and respect.

I was happy some months ago and now I am miserable again and I know that for my feelings, only me is the responsible. I could keep my balance and simply ignore anything else. Luckily I have support from my family these days – they try to remind me I do deserve happiness above all.  Again, thank you all here for giving us a way to express our problems and get some feedback.

@ searchingcc: at what point are you? He/she left you and then came back to make you feel guilty for all?! Share some details I guess they will help 😉

Some fast update:

I am still so mad at myself for allowing all this drama to come into my life. I tried to keep distance but after many “please let’s go out for the last time” and his theatrical play that “I am ok now, I want to be friend with you, only that, and talk from time to time as adults” I fell into the trap to talk to him again.

He was quite distant for some days so I hoped it was over BUT then again the drama started. He continued to ask me about my moves, where I am, with whom, If I can forgive him and give us a change and he cried again. He even started to yell at me when I told me I can not and I need to move on. He threw some stuff from the table and then he told me several insulting things. I went away cause I was afraid and stopped the ontact again. Some days afterward he told me he went to the hospital because of me and had a quite severe issue. So once again I felt into the trap to try to help him. I am not even sure though if it is truth or a lie for making me forgive him.

I tried to tell him I can not stand all this anymore that I am not in love anymore and he insists to simply talk as friends and we will see if it will happen or not – and in the meantime, he simply acts like I am his gf still. He is texting all time and pretends to be nice and after a while he starts again. I feel really awful and desperate with all this “war’. The crusade, as Anita wisely had said.

I started psychotherapy to help me understand why I am so afraid and with so low self-esteem and I can not cut him off completely but still it does not help.

I feel I lose my mind. I had started dating someone and I was feeling happy before all these but now I am frozen, sad and weak and I can not go on with my life. There is a constant battle and I keep on going from sad to angry and then again the same. Whenever I try to stop talking he is telling me he needs to stay calm cause he is sick and blames me that he will go again to the hospital because of me.  I feel like my life has been ruined again – like I am nothing anymore.

I am sorry for writing these here – I really not know what to do. I am generally a strong and determined person with great family and career and friends. First time I do feel so awful and I blame myself for allowing this – it is now 4 months with constant argues and I am exhausted and desperate 🙁

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Mepina.

Dear Smile,

thank you for your message. I am sorry to hear you had similar struggles with your relationship. I have been also trying to correct things before the breakup – mainly by self-accusing and trying to change myself to adapt to his needs. So I know how energy consuming this is. I am sad these days seeing him suffer etc. but I try to keep strong and focus on myself and my inner peace and needs. He managed to break me down again (I was not that strong to prevent this, unfortunately) and made me feel weak again and question my self-esteem. Bit I now recognize his intentions and also my feelings better and I use my intuition more.

I think, if you feel good inside you and you are able to sleep with a smile on your face in the nights (no matter if you are alone or not) it is the ultimate sign you are going the right direction. If you have sadness and worries, well something is wrong. And we should listen to it!

Thank you all for your support at the forum – it really means a lot.

Hello Emma,

it is indeed an awful situation.

He came back again after some days – I told him I need to stop this but he insisted and once again I said ok for a last meeting. I am stupid – simply said.. He was telling me all the nice things some months ago I would like to hear. As Anita had guessed; once I was telling him that you didn’t understand your mistakes, and I had to kill my dreams of us having family, living together etc., he came back begging to give a chance to us and have a family cause now he is ready for us etc. I was negative and cold and then he started being angry and yell at me that I want to find a new boyfriend and this is why I say all these – then I tried to calm him down mentioning that this has nothing to do with others but to us – and he started to cry and tell me all the great things he wants to do with me. I was so exhausted from the fight and asked him to stay away some days to let things calm down – but of course, he still goes on with sending me messages etc.

He also made me promise that I will stop talking with others (If I do) so that I can sit and think if there is a chance for us and in the meantime, he sends me messages of how awful he feels and how much he loves me. I didn’t promise as he has no right for this but guess what, he made me again feel guilty and sad and angry etc..

Well, although I am sad for him, a lot, I can’t stand this anymore. I know all this agony started by the fact he understood I was not his possession anymore and I was ready to find a new one. This is why he is so intense and he tries to cut my contact from the rest people – so that he takes back his ‘item’ (this is me sadly).

I am on a trip at the moment so I can not do a lot – but upon my return I will tell him to stop contact me and that I am not in love anymore and I will stop replying to his calls/messages etc. I tried to make him understand why I can not be back to this relationship and started to say all teh problems we had – and I made him believe he can still own me as I gave room for discussions. MY MISTAKE.

It is hard that I need to be the bad guy here – but some people simply need a reassurance all the time for your love to boost their ego- nothing else. I can’t believe him anymore as he had so much time to see things. Only when I ‘left’ this relationship -in my heart- he decided to come back. Now it is too late as I feel nothing anymore. He tried to hug me and kiss me and I simply didn’t want it anymore.

I was very sad and devastated at the beginning but now I see better that all these, are his strategies and he is simply trying to control me because he lost his ‘defacto game’. He thought I would wait forever and once he saw me being happy and not in need of him anymore, he came back demanding me back at first – begging then and all the combinations afterwards. Anita was right that all these were strategies – I see it clearly now. He does not respect my feeling or my requests of staying away.

What about your bf? He came back after you started feeling well? Is he also insisting on taking you back? Is he also crying and promises things?! How do you feel? I hope it gets better soon for you – and me.

I am angry with myself allowing al this drama again to my life 🙁

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Mepina.

I am afraid I opened a round of discussions and let him again to control my mind and my feelings.. I know it will be too hard to keep my strength and keep on moving – if I were strong enough I would have already done it 🙁 I managed for some months to be happy and relieved from all these; so for the sake of these freedom days that still keep my heart beating in a nice rhythm, I keep on insisting in my opinion. Thank you Anita and the rest for being here, it is nice to be able to express your feelings and finding people to support you..

It is so damn hard.. I tried to stop contact but he keeps on sending me like nothing happened – being the person he used to be years ago.

I told him that I started to see another guy and he started to cry and begging me not to move on and give a chance to us.  He came from my house and was like I never had seen him before – like a sad puppy.

But I do not trust him anymore, he killed all hope inside me with his absence for so long.. I know he is just afraid of me going away or being with another guy and it is his ego and controlling nature that speaks now. I was sad but also angry listening all the things I wanted to listen, but not now, months ago. That I am the one, that he loves me, that he only cares for us and all we had was great and it took him long to be sure but now he is and he is sorry and it was a mistake all the break up thing. They sound so good, but a part inside me knows that upon my return, all these will stay words, and again it will be me again trying to save alone the relationship, plus having the fear all the time of a new break up and a new depression period after it for me..

But he made me sad seeing him like this and manages to create a dilemma if i need to give a chance again. His strategies succeeded and made my again a wreck. I blame myself for allowing all these and for not being strong to ignore him from the starting point 🙁

I try to stay strong and keep my decision to move on without him – as I am doing for sooo long. I told him I need to go on my way and only the future will tell if there is ever a chance among us and to stop pushing it and move on with his life as he used to do. He said he will wait for me for as long as it takes as noone else will be me.

It is hard seeing someone you love in pain – even if it comes from his own mistakes and choices. And I am also in pain for myself, for being again in such bad condition and not being able to show my angry determined face.

I am sorry for this kind of ‘diary’ posts – they help me express how I feel a little .. AND Thank you once again for your support!