I have had relationships with recovering alcoholics and active alcoholics. The focus you have, on your boyfriend, is a backwards, and dis-empowering approach. You are giving away your power, by trying to decide if your boyfriend drinks too much. So if half the people you asked, said “no he doesn’t drink too much” then all of the sudden you would be okay with this behavior, I think not. You need to find your truth. YOU have to decide — does he drink too much for you.

You have no control over other people, places or things. You are powerless over the alcoholic. The only thing you have control over is your self, your actions, your emotions, your boundaries. So the thing for you to decide is — is his lifestyle too much for you? You can’t change him. And I certainly wouldn’t recommend you try to be overly understanding, overly responsible, overly giving, overly accommodating, to get him to change. That is all still manipulation.

Your job is to now make decisions, based on what is in alignment with the highest good of your life, your truth. Then if he wants, he can come along. For instance, you might say, “I am not going to drink this weekend,” he may say he wants to, so you say “okay,” and you go do your separate things. He has a choice, if he wants to be hanging out with you, then he doesn’t drink. Now you have to let go of the outcome. This is where the work comes in. Your job is to find acceptance, that his path is his path. That he may not want to follow your boundaries. And his choices have nothing to do with you. Noting to do with YOU.

You decide how to live your life, if his lifestyle choices are in alignment with yours, then great. If not, then you move on. But I can tell you from experience, that alcoholics change when they want to. You might be served by doing some studying on codependency. You really have one priority, and that is finding out how YOU want to live your life, then setting healthy boundaries around that. Regardless of whether or not someone likes them, wants to follow them, will change. We do this work for ourselves. We love ourselves first, and healthy relationships grow from that. Not from trying to change, cajole, bargain, manipulate other people to live the way we want them too.

You are right where you are supposed to be. Take one day at a time. The answers will come. Keep seeking and you will find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can totally identify with your story. I am a recovering codependent who dated a recovering alcoholic for two years. Our relationship was very abusive, I put up with so much in the name of “love.” My therapist told me I needed to go to Al anon to recover. Well she was right, partially. There was definitely the co dependent piece, I definitely needed the al anon tools to get stronger to leave the relationship and to set healthy boundaries for myself, but then there is the inner child or core wounding that needs to be taken care of as well. I don’t find this happening in going to Al anon meetings. I read up on traumatic bonding, inner child wounds and energetic healing. One website I find helpful is Robert Burney’s websites all of them, but particularly codependence recovery and healing inner child wounds. http://robertburneylive.com/my-other-sites

I started to get out of the relationship in April but found my self continually falling for the pleas, crying, and apologies which never amounted to any actual behavior change. I was addicted to the idea of this man actually being accountable, actually taking responsibility and giving me back my identity. I thought that if I just loved him and worked on my self, he would see how much I loved him and stop lying, manipulating, sleeping around, gambling etc. I totally abandoned my self and my higher power. I have had no contact with him since Oct, and yes it has been hard. I have grieved the loss of a dream, the loss of my self, but at the same time I knew it was all for a higher purpose. I found the childhood, core wounding issues I had that allowed me to co create that relationship which essentially were I was not worthy or lovable unless I was helping, rescuing, fixing someone else. It has gotten better, I focus on me and not him as much as possible. How did I create this situation? What beliefs are contributing to this situation? I also only do things for me, that don’t have any desired outcome of trying to get him back, prove him wrong, act out vengefully, get retribution etc. I journal a lot about my feelings, who I am and who I want to become. I am grateful that I got to see my blind spots and get back to loving me, from the inside out.

Its codependency in its purest form to look to anothers recovery, or healing in order to have validation of our selves as worthy or loving beings. It is also avoidance of what our issues are, and what pain we need to grieve from our failed relationship, or childhood wounding/core belief systems. I will tell you that the more space I got from him, the more I ignored him, the more I did what was healthy for me, the less I took his behavior personally, the faster I have healed. It is possible. I wish I hadn’t have fallen for the “ninth step amends” in April, but I guess you could say it cured me of ever trusting this man is anything remotely trust worthy again.

take care of your self, one day at a time, act your way into right thinking, You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you won’t cure it! Progress not perfection my friend. Go easy on yourself.

Be well,
Megyn