I’m very much in the same place. Everything has lost its fun. I feel like I’ve walked into a party lasting 100 years… only to find out after 30 years that the party is based on abuse and degradation of approximately 2/3rds of the members, or more, and that at best, I can ignore it, but I can’t change it.

I’ve worked in development my whole adult life. I dedicated my life to the service of humanity and have found myself powerless.

I’m disgusted by injustice but am powerless to stop it. Believe me, please believe me–I have worked my entire life to stop even a tiny bit of injustice, but it keeps increasing. The worst part is that the happiest people at this party do not care, not even a little bit, about those suffering due to our actions. 🙁

So I’ve tried to create a new life for myself, one that ignores suffering of others.

1. What do I absolutely love in life?

I don’t absolutely love anything. I get a small amount of pleasure from music and math but this is eclipsed by the guilt I feel enjoying life while so many suffer. I guess you could say I love justice… but it’s like loving something that doesn’t exist. I don’t love love because love makes mistakes and hurts people. Love creates a window for abuse. Love makes you forgive which is something that people just take advantage of.

2. What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far?

I can’t list these on the Internet, but I have an accomplished resume of public service which has had ZERO effect on the overall net amount of justice in this world. On the contrary, they are used as salves by those in power to continue the status quo, by highlighting the tiny sparks of so-called justice… which are in fact are band-aids on the real problems. To say I find my life to be depressing is an understatement.

3. What would I stand for if I knew no one would judge me?

Same things as I do now. People judge me and I don’t care.

4. If my life had absolutely no limits and I could have it all and do whatever I wanted, what would I choose to have and what would I choose to do?

I would single-handedly destroy the institutions which hoard wealth and destroy our environment by secretly wresting control and slowly put it in the hands of responsible, conscientious bureaucrats that were not informed of the amount of control they had. Freeways would turn into train tracks, factories made safe, slums renovated with plumbing and people gently relocated to safe areas, and so on. Slowly wealth would be re-distributed so that everyone lived in justice.

I will never, ever see this happen, not even a little bit. The word is a horrible place.

5. What would I do if I had one billion dollars?

See above. First I’d pay off my student loans. Then I’d go about trying to destroy the unjust institutions… if for no other reason just to watch them suffer for a moment, like they have made millions around the world suffer at the loss of their environments, their homes, etc. I would like to take the CEO of Exxon door to door and watch the suffering of the children who have no medical care, no place to live, due to the environmental degradation they cause… I want them to touch that child and I want to see them cry. I want them to suffer so, so much, like I suffer, knowing how evil they have been, first of all, and then to make it stop. You might think I’m sick for wanting revenge, but when you have seen so many starving children, so many broken families, so many lost souls, due to the injustice in this world, how can you not wish for that? Forgiveness solves nothing, changes nothing. Not even my heart, because the suffering of the victim is still there, and that’s where the pain comes from. I can forgive all I want.

People still suffer and as long as they suffer how can I be at peace with being a human being? So I want to make their suffering stop and if that means revenge, so be it.

Unfortunately I do not believe there is any way to achieve justice on this earth (violence will just lead to retribution and they have ALL the power) and I don’t believe in an afterlife.

6. Who do I admire most in the world?

Nobody. I don’t believe in heroes. I find that the most celebrated saints actually preserved the status quo by encouraging those at the top (“See? You all should give up everything so we can continue hoarding!”) and that those who worked most effectively for justice had to hurt a lot of people to get there. I’m disgusted by humanity as a whole and would rather not go on, but I had two children whom I bore before I got to this level of awareness.

It’s not my own death I’m worried about. I worry about what to tell my children about how to cope with life’s pain and frustration and their goals, when I don’t believe the lies we usually tell children.

Has anyone been through this? I feel that so many people who are depressed find salvation in community, but I have tried that and gotten nowhere. On the contrary my dedication to community and humanity and life itself has left me despondent. I tried love, ended up married to a con man and am now divorced. Life is not only meaningless, it is unfair, unjust, and devoid of pleasure.

I have no way to go on under these circumstances. Please help. I won’t kill myself because I have kids and if I die, they go to their dad, who is abusive. I just want to stop feeling so much pain all the time. I want a story to tell my children that is not a lie.