Hi all. I am sorry to hear of all the pain that has resulted. I know it well and have been there myself. I have just a few things to add and I hope that they help in some small way.

First- please don’t ruminate on the past. What happened hurt. It was shocking. It is easy to blame yourself or point fingers or wonder what might have been. Living in the past means your eyes are looking in the rear view…and you’re going to miss what is standing in front of you. Visit the past on occasion if you must. Learn from it. See it from a different angle. Then come back to the present.

Second- it didn’t work out and that is a result of two people. Don’t blame yourself. Instead, figure out why it went wrong and have gratitude for what was and for the fact that it ended when it did. I know that sounds strange and I do not intend for that to sounds harsh. If it ended after years of marriage, shared money and assets, a house, kids, etc, it would be a loss on another level. If the person was not ready, due to their own reasons, then as much as it hurts, it is better to find out now.

Third- I went through two devastating break-ups in my life. After the first, I literally walked 4-7 miles a day for 2 years. Rain, snow or shine. One day, I saw her again as our best friends had married and we were both in the wedding party. For 2 years I did not sleep through the night and all I wanted was to get back together with her. After the wedding we met for dinner and we talked at my apartment afterward. I said things I needed to say for 2 years and I heard things I needed to hear. As she drove off, I vividly recall some 15 years later, I watched the red of her tail lights and felt all of the stress and weight melt off of me. It was surreal. As the lights faded down the road, I said “goodbye” and knew that it was over. Two weeks later she expressed an interest in getting back together and I was not interested. Why? Because I said what I needed to say, heard what I needed to hear. If you need closure- write a letter. Have a conversation in your mind. Write everything that comes out- unfiltered- and then delete it or save it as a draft. But get it all out, that is the key.

Fourth- ask yourself “what is really hurting me?”, then write out the reply, unfiltered. You may be surprised at what you find and you may be surprised to see the direction it takes you.

I met my wife 10-months after my last break-up. I got involved with a sweet girl, but I ignored all of the red flags that were hoisted- clear signs that we were not meant to be. But I really wanted that to work!! Looking back, I tried to force something and that is not going to result in something good. I immediately went back into therapy and worked on myself. I figured out why I am the way I am. I uncovered what I really wanted. I got my “picker” adjusted, got my thoughts and priorities set and met the woman who is now my wife and the mother of my two beautiful, amazing children. My life is not perfect- but its perfect for me. I shudder to think of the “solution” that crossed my mind as I was stuck in another “failure” and didn’t want to feel that pain again. In reality it wasn’t a failure at all. It was an express elevator to one of the greatest successes of my life. To the best relationship I have ever had. Always remember- things do happen for a reason. If you take the time to get to now yourself and resolve any loose ends inside, you WILL come out of this stronger and better than before. It will take some time and the sooner you choose to better yourself, live in the moments and be happy, the sooner you’re going to find out what comes next. Best wishes to you!

Kristin- first, congratulations on your new career! That is wonderful! I know it is an exciting time and also a stressful one. Anita has given some great advise about getting organized and using meditation to lessen the anxiety.

Staying on top of the anxiety is key. A good way to gauge stress levels is to use the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. You can google it, add up your stress and see where you stand. This has made a difference in my life and I started a meditation practice as a result. I dont worry to much about meditating perfectly and chanting and things like that- I just sit comfortably, focus on my breath, allow myself to drift and then gently pull myself back in without judgement. Being kind to myself in this practice has yielded phenomenal results.

One thing I would recommend to help reduce stress is to go into what I call “The Worry Womb”. What that means is to simply give yourself 15-20 minutes a day to focus solely on your worries. Write them out, find out how likely they are to come to fruition and ask yourself what would be the worst possible outcome if they did. The trick is this- during this time (and you can go longer than 20 minutes if needed but try not to go too long), your focus is solely on your worries. But that means that the rest of the day- you have to let them go, knowing you will dedicate time to them later. This will prevent you from ruminating on stressors, which in itself lessens anxiety and stress. You’ll find yourself worrying less and letting go of things that are not really worth worrying about. You will also find that many, if not most of the things we tend to worry about do not produce an outcome nearly as catastrophic as we fear. The sum of all of this is less stress and anxiety, more productive worry sessions and a clearer mind. If you give it a try, let me know how it works! Best wishes and congratulations again on your new career!

You’re most welcome, Musicmaker! My clients are people like you, because I used to be in the same position and know what it’s like.And I will say that you have some very big pluses going for you. First is that you realize the situation and reached out for guidance. You voiced it rather than keeping it locked inside and pretending all was fine. You know what you want but rather than just remaining content, you are working towards the life you want. So many people….don’t. They just wish and hope. I did that too, for years, so I get it. But it is with work and action that things are achieved…and you are definitely on the right path!

Best wishes to you! I would be happy to share my Life Vision Plan with you if you think it could help. If interested, just email me at hmdileone at gmail. Best wishes and much prosperity to you.

Mike

Hi Musicmaker and Anita. I can relate to the situation of not making enough money and not seeing my life progress in the manner I wanted it to. I consider myself a “late bloomer”. What worked for me was a)jumping in and doing it anyway. My wife and I had our first child when I was 38 and second when I was 40. We could not afford it at the time though now a few years later and we are in a much better position. I figured if we waited for the perfect moment…we’d be waiting for a long time. Besides, I just went to a service yesterday. My sister in law lost her dad and he was only in his early-mid 60’s. She had put off having kids because her husband doesn’t make much money and is a college student in his 30’s. I don’t know if that decision will become one of regret now that her father is no longer here (I hope not but don’t know). Maybe it’s just me but I find that sad. Putting things off can have unforeseen circumstances. But really the thing that helped me most- was taking control of my life by setting a clear goal and vision for myself. I wrote a Life Vision Plan to get over the hump. Once I took charge and gained clarity- things happened and quickly. Without that discipline and soul searching tasks, I would still be stuck in a dead end job, and underwater with the monthly bills.