Kyniska, how come you feel you can only forgive yourself after you apologize to him? Do you first need to know what he thinks about you and the mistakes you made? What if you call him, apologize and he continues blaming you for what you did? Will you then be able to forgive yourself at all?
You can’t make your ability to forgive dependent on others. Don’t do that. You can’t control what others think of you, that’s not in your own hands. I know you want him to forgive you badly and I get that. However, don’t wait for that.

You know what? I learned one thing and I hope this kind of helps you as well: Everyone does the best he/she can at any single moment with the resources available. This means, even when you made those mistakes, and no matter which ones, you did the best you could in that moment. And so did he.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. This is the only thing you can control and influence. Don’t hope for his validation or approval or love. Give it to yourself. And forgive yourself. I know you can do it.

Best, Martina

I so much know where you are coming from, Rose Tattoo. I was in a very, very similar situation – I thought I never will be able to have a normal, well-functioning relationship. Also, I used to be extremely jealous. Whenever my boyfriend would go out without me I made up the craziest images in my mind where he starts to talk, then dance, then kiss with another girl. Every single time those images would drive me mad. I thought that I wasn’t good enough or lovable enough for someone to be faithful or to love me. I just couldn’t understand that this was possible. So I really get you. Last year I decided that something has to change. I quickly realized that the source of my problem was that I didn’t love myself the way I was which was the reason for why I thought I wasn’t lovable.

Feeling lovable has to start with you. No one in this world can give you the love you need, except you. You need to learn to see your self-worth and to fully accept yourself with all your flaws and imperfections. Once you do this, you won’t be dependent on other people’s love toward you anymore, you’ll feel good about yourself, you’ll believe in your potential and lovability. And like this, your jealousy will disappear. This is at least how things worked out for me.

If you want, we can have a small chat or so, if not, that’s also ok, just wanted to offer you my help.

One thing I know for sure. You are worthy. You are lovable. You only have to see and recognize this fact.

Warmly, Martina

Hey Dan,

I’m really sorry for what you have been through. It sounds terrifying, all of it, even though I don’t have a child yet.
I also see where Will comes from. If you want to move on, you have to stop trying to control what you can’t control. I understand you are hurt by what she has done. I understand you are hurt by her ex-boyfriends she had after you. But as long as you hold on to this pain and blame them for whatever they’ve done, you wont be able to move on. You cannot control what she is doing. You cannot change the way she is seeing things. But what you can do is to learn to deal with YOUR pain. YOUR mistakes you might have made.

Understand this: Every person is trying to behave the best he/she can in any moment with the resources available.

Even if it was her intention to hurt you by her actions (which I doubt in most of the cases you described) she did it because she didn’t know how else to behave. In your perspective she has done a lot of mistakes, but how do things look like from her perspective? How does your interpretation and meaning you gave to certain situations differ from hers?

I wish that all of the people involved, especially you and your boy, will find peace internally and externally.

Forgive yourself for having lost temper, heal2014. Understand that at any moment you were (and are) trying your best to behave the right way. I’m sure you’ve done your best. So forgive yourself. Such things happen.
See what you can learn out of this situation and move on.

Also, forgive her. She had her reasons why she behaved the way she did. I’m not saying that you were that reason, no. There was something inside of her she could’t deal with, something that aroused her, something that might have made her feel bad about herself, or inferior. Whatever the reason for her hostility might have been, she tried the best she could and at that moment she couldn’t do any better.

Don’t take her behavior personal at all. This doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Forgive yourself, and forgive her. See what you can do better next time and move on.

Marki,
Getting straight A’s is not really important. It seems like you only feel good enough about yourself when you are as good as your classmates, but that isn’t the truth. Probably, you are afraid of not getting the approval and love from the people around you (parents, friends, etc.) which is why you are beating yourself up so much of not getting straight A’s. It breaks my heart. You probably believe that only if you get those straight A’s you are worthy and good enough.

Let me tell you something. You are good enough just by being you. There is no need to learn more or perform better for you to be more worthy. Our society puts a lot of meaning in working hard, and being the best in school, however, what this does with its individuals is them to believe, that they are nothing without it. This is the major reason today for those horrendous numbers of people with depression and anxiety. Because they were told in their childhood and adolescence that they are not good enough or loved if they don’t fulfill certain expectations. I know this might sound strange to you right now and overwhelm you. However, please see, that you are amazing the way you are without performing well.

I know what I’m talking about. In high school, I was the one with the worst grades. And I ask myself the same question you ask yourself now: “What is wrong with me?”. Now I know the following: Nothing is wrong with me. It just was really hard for me to learn things by heart and just reproduce facts. At university it turned out that I’m someone who needs to produce, to philosophize, to discuss, to create. We all are different. Systems like society and school try to make us fit into one box, it’s clear that there are some people who don’t fit in and never will.

The most important thing in life is this: Finding out who you are without all those voices around you, figuring out what makes you happy and brings you joy (which is at the same time what you’ll be great in) and creating the life you love. On that way, you won’t get everyone’s approval for your decisions, but this is your life. So live it the way you feel is right.

All the best for you!

Yes, littlebean724, these voices around us most of the times are louder than our own. I know how this is. Last year I spent one year in Southeast Asia, away from society, it’s values and expectations. This was when I realized that I have my own voice and that only this one knows what fulfills me (and not necessarily others). This is ok. Just figure out who you are and what makes you happy. And: Fall in love with yourself again!

Emmett, no one can tell you what to do. Why don’t you find out what your motivation of you missing V is? Is there a way to contact her? There wouldn’t be anything odd about contacting her after four years (if you haven’t been in touch in that time). What stops you from approaching her? Is it fear? Don’t allow fear to get in your way. Acknowledge that it is there and do it anyway. I believe the only way to figure out what is really going on is to get in touch with her, maybe share with her what is going on inside of you. You might think now ” Oh, if I do that she must think I’m a loser or a weak or that I don’t know what I want.” Yeah, that’s the inner critic, your fear again, trying to protect you from being rejected or similar. But you know what? Against all those assumptions of what is bad or weak, I tell you this: Showing vulnerability, showing who you really are is THE expression of inner strength. Because at this point, you stop pretending to b someone who you are not. Because you show to the outside what moves you. Because you stop pleasing others and let your fear control you. SO go for it. contact her and see what happens.

All the best!