x,

Well it has been a very interesting couple of weeks, work got crazy and was taking a lot of my energy. I have not spoken to my wife concerning Jay since the last time I wrote on here. I got tired of that situation constantly being in the front of my mind. I took up a daily meditation and breathing practice which allowed me 20 minutes a day to just let things go. IT has really worked great. I have come to the understanding that if she is going to step out with Jay than it is something that she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. With the help of all of those posts that I wrote and your replies allowed me to get to a place where I was able to let go of the jealousy. I have not told her of the writing here, I thought that it was something that I needed, but that if she asks I would be okay sharing and showing her what I have written. She has not shared with me what she writes Jay, and at first it bothered me and I think it actually made things worse. Now that I don’t think about it and worry about it It is not really a thing. Now she could be planning something, but I don’t think so, and if that is what she wants then we deal with the outcomes once it happens.

We still have ups and downs, but I would say that the arrow is pointing up in general. We communicate a whole lot better, I am way more open about things that bother me and we are spending more time together. We still have things to work on, but we are in a position to discuss those things.

Thank-you so much for all of the insights and allowing me a space to explore these feelings. I hope all is well for you.

Matt

X,

Okay, wow, now that is a relationship to wrap my head around. No wonder about the confusion.  Your Ex sounds like he could use  some alone time to straighten himself out first. There is a whole lot of selfishness there to be able to walk into peoples lifes like that and rip everything apart, throw it onto the ground, and walk away with no remorse. That is like a picture of a Tornado ripping through the landscape leaving devastation behind. I am sure there were many fun times, and times of hope, but he was a master manipulator that was able to get everything that he wanted. Out of curiosity, what is the biggest thing that you take away from that relationship?

I terms of the most recent guy, that does go to show how important chemistry is, and how powerful it is. For you to have gone through what you did with your ex and still continue to put yourself in a situation which has all of the makings of a very hard relationship to make work. So lets talk about challenges. From everything you have wrote about, I can assume that you are extremely intelligent, and have worked really hard to get where you are. Is there something there about the challenge of winning the affection of these men who on the outside look unattainable.

Jay is not married, is he?

Jay is divorced with no kids, I don’t know how long he was married for, or when or why he was divorced. It must not have been too good because he must not have any respect for the sanctity of marriage. But then again I think through this whole process, my thoughts on marriage have definitely been altered

You know I think that she is using it as sort of a break from reality, I fantasy that she can slip into where all of the stress of our day to day lives shrink away.

So the only viable scenario that I can envision (but that is very unlikely) is that we somehow run into each other again, the chemistry still being there and him being already free AND healed and ready for a relationship (from what I could see on his Twitter, nothing has changed in that respect for him – he is still mentally unavailable), and off we go from scratch. As if nothing had ever taken place before.

After reading everything, I think that unfortunately you served a purpose in his life and did not get anything in return. I like that you have decided to turn the page, it sounds like continuing to actively pursue/think anything will happen would only serve to hamper you growing more. As an aside,I do believe that if it were meant to be it will show itself and the picture you are painting for yourself is correct.

So with your wife, that feeling that something wasn’t there never appeared? You and your wife went past the times when your other relationships would end, and yours still continued on a high note, just as enjoyable, with no end in sight?

Correct, with my wife, as unsexy as this sounds, it was like your favorite pair of slippers they just fit and they always feel so damn good to put on. We have some very challenging times and the relationship has not been enjoyable all the time, kinda like when those slippers get stinky, the thought of throwing them away never crosses your mind. I have never had that feeling with my wife that something was missing.

 I realized that I might still be afraid of others and of life at some deep level

After reading everything else you wrote, I think there might be something to this statement.

I think that when you stop looking for that ideal man, and start looking for people that meet some small need on yours that you will find there are a lot of people out there that can provide you with fulfillment. Then that partner in crime will show up. I also don’t entirely agree that a husband must be more experienced and intelligent than the wife. I think that when you find your partner, you will realize that you compliment each other. Sure there are certain things that I know more about than my wife, but there are lots of ways that my wife is way more intelligent than I am, and that is one of the things that turns me on about her. Granted there are some men out there that aren’t looking for that, because they are intimidated buy intelligent women. They know that they can’t control intelligent women the same way, and are probably the ones that you want to stay away from. My wife knows my weaknesses and doesn’t want to use those against me, but rather help me grow through them. You should want that equal partner that holds the same attitude on life as you. Now my wife and I are also very opposite when it comes to certain things and that is okay to. Like I said it is about complimenting each other.

I gotta go take care of something really quick but will be back shortly

Matt

X,

It is so nice to get to that point when all is done, and a little relaxation can be had without anything hanging over your head. I love those weekends

This is partly because their testosterone levels drop below normal. As a result, men often withdraw to recoop. They need to remember their independence and do “guy stuff” in order to rebuild their testosterone to normal levels. That’s when they are ready to come back to you. Turns out this is all very normal for the regular guy. Too much closeness can cause him to retreat and this is a direct results of his hormones.”

So… Would this be true for you as a man?

So true, the testosterone dropping, and needing some me time,  I can feel when I get to the point when I need some time. Usually I will go for a hike, get out into nature, exercise, paint, edit some of my photos. I think for me having the alone time is most important. The other interesting thing that I have felt is that now that I am eating a healthier diet, meaning much more aware of the sugar and Carbs that I eat and substantial increase in healthy fat, that testosterone dip doesn’t happen nearly as often.

Question,  so this guy that you have the Chemistry with, has an ex-wife he has kids with, you as a mistress for  a time, and now a current wife?

I am certainly not in love with him. I don’t even know him well – we did discuss nearly everything in writing, but it is not the same as getting to know the person in everyday life, even our regular communication lasted for four months.

I am willing to understand and forget his behaving as if he was falling for me and then basically ghosting on me. I can very well see how intense prolonged stress at home could be the root of it.

This kinda strikes me as something that Jay may say in the future once all of this is said and done. When you are married, stress in the house is so overwhelming because there feels like no escape sometimes. You can’t just go into hiding like when you are single. There is always something that needs to be done, decisions that need to be made between two people. Anger/sadness/neglect all become amplified because that person is always present. I believe that is why marriage is so much work. I have learned that letting those emotions fester is a very dangerous game.

But I still can’t forget how much chemistry we had, how good it felt to be cuddling with him and, OMG, how witty our chats were, it felt as if fireworks were crackling all around when we chatted! And we discussed some pretty serious things, too, so that also adds to my bewilderment as to how somebody, who feels things so deeply, could behave like that.

One of the same questions I have concerning my wife, but I think a sort of compartmentalization occurs, and from some of the ways that she worded things, it felt like she is talking to Jay from a very different part of her pshyche. One that is not connected in any way to our day to day life. Not quite a fantasy world, because she is very much the same person, but from a place where she can not be concerned about the other roles that she has in our life. I am not sure that makes sense but it is a thought

Pity I haven’t met him in person since August 2016 – I am sure I would know if we met face to face. But he is still in the area, so who knows-?…

I would say that meeting face to face would be the true tell, but I would also say that unfortunately to carrying all of the risk in that situation. I mean the fireworks could still be amazing, and the best case scenario would be that it would spark something in him to acknowledge feelings. But the downside is that it would leave everything up in the air again and you would continue having to deal with these unanswered feelings and maybe something that can’t ever be fully explored.

So I wonder, if there is any way you can dig it up in your psyche and heart, how you managed not to forget her and, at the same time, how you managed to be with somebody else (and kind of compare them to her) if you still remembered her?

It wasn’t ever conscious, But the thoughts always came after that initial honeymoon period of new relationships started to wane. When the relationships started getting comfortable, the feelings would always sneak up, and most of the time it ended up being the start of the end of the current relationship. Like one relationship got really serious, we had a great relationship, amazing chemistry, but something just wasn’t there. I don’t know that I can explain it in words. Did you ever have a favorite blanket growing up, one with a silky edge. I did and even though all four corners were exactly the same, there was only one of the corners that I liked to rub on my cheek. why that corner, I don’t know there was just something about it. Maybe I could feel the difference in the way that she loved me, I will have to think on this a little more and get back to you.

I also wonder (and forgive me for the way I put this) why you are not afraid or, rather, ashamed to acknowledge that you love your wife so much, to the point of willing to try an open marriage? (At least, were; hopefully, this is no longer the case.) Or you were able to do it only because no one knows who you are on Tiny Buddha? And you wouldn’t be mentioning this to your male friends for fear of being ridiculed? Or they would understand and not ridicule you for this?

Clarify for me…

I needed a sounding board to discuss feelings concerning the possibility of my wife being intimate with another man. I think I know what my friends would say about this. That would stick up for me and tell me that I needed to think about getting a divorce and letting this relationship go. I don’t think I could get the conversation that I am having with you from my friends. I don’t think ridicule would be the response, I think they would be concerned. I needed a space where I could explore whether  a) the jealousy I was feeling was healthy, or if it meant that I should get out of my marriage b) or not a marriage is worth keeping if the two people are open and honest with each other c) if I should still love my wife knowing what I know d) if being intimate with someone else proved that yo don’t love the other person anymore. There are lots of layers, speaking to my friends about it didn’t make sense because I didn’t actually have the total picture as to what I needed to understand.

And, since you seem to be such a perfect specimen (no offence intended) of a loving husband and doting father, I would like to hear your thoughts on the following

Thank-you so much but I am far from a perfect specimen, I have flaws. I have not been the greatest husband or father at times, but I try. I do believe I understand what you are saying though so I will try

So I would be grateful if you could elaborate a bit more on how different your feelings towards your daughter are from those for your wife and why somebody like me needs not to be afraid of having children if their father is somebody like you?

Oh man, kids, this could be hours and hours of writing. I have a very unique perspective since I am not only raising my child, but I am also raising my wifes son from a different man. When my wife and I first got together our son was 7, we had a period of growth between the two of us. His mom had been single, raising him, one other serious relationship who raised our son for a few years, but for the most part it was him and his mother. And now I get involved. I had to work hard to show him that I wasn’t trying to take his mother away from him. We  had to work to build a relationship and do those things that build a strong bond so we could trust each other. it took time, but I love him like my own and want to show him how to be a man and succeed at life. I learned that life was no longer just about me, I had this new feeling of having to take care of someone who could not totally take care of them-self. Then our daughter came and that is when my whole life got turned upside down. Our daughter was almost 4 weeks early and she was tiny, but the feelings that came with her were so powerful. You get this sense that it is no longer about you, nothing else matters except the health and safety of this tiny human being. And that is where the difference between my feelings towards my wife and kids lie. You see my wife is my partner in crime, I need her to be with me. I need her to allow me to be myself. I need her to be there to complete me, to support me, to help me grow. With the kids, I love them with everything in this world in order to provide them with what they need to grow into productive responsible adults. That feeling is so amazing and so different. Having kids is scary, there is a lot of bad shit in this world, my wife and I see things everyday that scare the crap out of us. But you will never understand the joy that you feel the first time your child looks you straight in the eyes and says “I love you”, or the happiness seeing your child realize things, or the absolute panic you get the first time you see them fall down and really hurt themselves. I guess living with the wonder and amazement that I get to feel everyday makes it worth more than anything else in the world. I will have a better thought out answer for you later because there is so much more. Having a kid changes everything, including the relationship with your spouse. And that also adds additional stress to your marriage. Love and marriage is all about time, learning how to budget time is the most important skill to raising a family and having a successful marriage.

I will go and take a look at your other post now

Have a great night

Matt

X

I will start first with the idea of exploring these emotions. This process is surely new to me, I have lived my life burying my emotions and feelings. Most of my life has gone by with an emotional flat line. There were up and down spikes here and there but looking inside and expressing those feelings/emotions was not something that I did. So why now, I don’t know exactly other than it feels like the thing I need to do. It is extremely uncomfortable, but quite freeing. Kinda like that flashlight idea, the more I shine that light around these areas that I have been hiding, the more I realize that I have been lying to myself, hiding things from myself, or not really living life to the fullest. And I like that notion of living life outside your comfort zone. I have felt more alive over the last couple of months than I have in awhile. Even though it has caused some hurt and misery. I like the idea of spending more time exploring who I really am. (As a side note, I am also in the midst of trying to figure out my next career move, it is definitely another topic, but also worth noting.)

That’s my take on it now. In other words, we indeed can have many soulmates, depending on what stage in life (and in our personal development) we are at.

Okay, I can accept that, I can see how people can come and go into your life and affect you in tremendous ways. But doesn’t that thought just point to the fact that maybe the ideal of marriage actually hampers our growths as individuals.

people say things that they don’t believe, people say things that they believe in while they are saying them, people’s stances and opinions change, etc.

This thought has crossed my mind many times, It is the one that haunts me the most because how can you ever know what motivates people to say things. I have to accept the fact that my wife may just be telling me things so as not to hurt my feelings. Or that if she did act on her feelings with Jay that it would end up changing her view on our marriage. I think that is a valid point, and a risk. My wife and I have discussed this risk and it is one that there really isn’t anyway to protect from.

In fact, I am surprised that you are so open to the idea of an open marriage. I was under the impression that men are far more possessive than women.

The more you write about men, the more I think I may not be a man after all..HAHA One of the most attractive qualities I find in women is an Independent streak. Someone that isn’t afraid to go get something she wants. Now I am still a gentleman, open doors, yes maam, gush over my wife, but I don’t feel the need to be a controller. I think this is why when I started this post it was all about trying to get to the bottom of the jealousy that I was feeling. Maybe I always just suppressed the jealousy, but I don’t think that is the case. This is new, it has never been  around in previous relationships.

Turned out my gut was right. Actually, my most recent guy told me as well that he believed one should go with the intuition.

The funny thing is that I am not sure that my gut is telling me that the idea of an open marriage/relationship is wrong. You know that is probably why I am willing to explore all of this. I know that initially the jealousy was sickening., but I don’t necessarily think that the jealousy is tied to the act of her being intimate with someone else. It feels like a knotted up ball of yarn. The more I pull the string the tighter the knot gets, but if I take my time and slowly follow the string and see that I am able to make more sense of things.

The spinach example makes a lot of sense, but to counter that over the course of time you can change your pallete. I hated mushrooms growing up, just the thought of biting into one made me gag. But I was out to dinner one night on a date at an Italian restaurant and my date ordered some type of veal with a mushroom sauce. She offered me a taste of her dinner, and for some reason I didnt say “no, I hate mushrooms”, I took the bite, and it was AMAZING, and now I absolutely love mushrooms. I guess my point to all of this is that in for us order to find out what (or who)you truly love we have to push ourselves, take ourselves out of our comfort zone.

With your wife, it is different. You are not trying to convince yourself to love your wife, you are trying to convince yourself to love what your wife loves (let’s put it this way).

Not sure about this one because she loves a lot of things that I never want to love, like purses, shoes, Stephen Colbert and Jon Oliver. I appreciate that there are things she does that I have no interest in, and that there are things that I love that she has no interest in. I think it is one of the ways that people stay together longer, because you have interests outside of your partner. Not always the case but I think there is truth in it

Another prospective. She (or another woman in her place) may think that you are a door mat if you agreed to share her with somebody.

What if this was a test?

I have thought about this one as well, and have talked to her about it, she is not trying to test me, she is curious about exploring more of her own sexuality, and of our sexuality together. But it is important to note that I have been told in the past by friends that I sometimes come across as being a pushover, giving in too easily. I stand up for the most important things in my life, but why waste energy on small things.

I will have to continue later, need to get some things done.

Have a great weekend,

Matt