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  • February 17, 2016 at 1:23 pm #96323
    Matic
    Participant

    Dear Dina.

    I just have to reply to your post as it resonates with me so much.

    I have been dating this wonderful woman for about 3 months now. Everything has been going great. We have great intimacy, sex and a lot of trust in each other. We also make real effort to make each other feel loved. But up until yesterday I had a problem. When I was not physicaly with her I just didnt have that in love feeling. I knew I loved here but I was not sure if I was in love. And that made me really anxious and afraid. Was she right for me eventhough I didnt experience that head over heals feeling. My anxiety translated into our meets because I just couldnt be in the moment with her and fully enjoy our meetings because I was obsesivly overthinking this issue. I cant stress enough how much fear this caused me. This was a woman who I shared almost all my interest with, who supports me with every endevour, with whom I have great sex. But all I could think about was, why butterfly love was so infrequently felt. When I relaxed I did sometimes feel it. I must emphasize this.

    And literally yesterday it hit me. When looking for a lifetime partner the only thing which matters is if I want to share my life with here without the in love feeling which will eventually subside as is scientifically proven. Am I prepared to compromise pretty much everything for the rest of my life just so I can lay down with here in the evening and so I can tell here I love here and so I can here the same thing, no matter how hard mine and her days were or how brutal the fight we had was?

    And the answer was a resounding yes. No one will always look beautiful, or sexy, or be happy, or be motivated. You will not always be their momentary priority. YOU wil not always be in the mood for love. Sometimes you will need space, or you will need to shout or cry. All of that is normal in a mature relationship. The “in love” feeling proposed to us by western culture is highly overrated as it is fuled only by hormones. What really matters is will my partner support me no matter what, can I spend real quality time with her, can I do mutual activities with her, are we sexually compatible.

    Maybe this post is just a re-do of Dinas, and maybe it is just a little confused, but the ectasy I feel is real. The freedom I feel that my love is not bound by any expectation. Maybe this is the first time in my life where I see my partner as a complete seperate person, who I do not feel the need to change and I still feel thrilled to spend the rest of my life with her. By not forcing the “in love” feeling it has come to me voluntarily.

    Have a great day.
    Matic

    October 18, 2015 at 1:35 pm #85614
    Matic
    Participant

    I read a lot od books in English so that is the culprit. 🙂 I dont know if I spelled that correctly but I am sure you understand.

    You will hear from me again.

    Have a great day.
    Matic

    October 18, 2015 at 10:50 am #85606
    Matic
    Participant

    Today we again talked for 3 hours and listened to music and it was again very fun. I think it really helped our relationship that I cleared my head of expectations. If we ever happen to get together I will be a happy man but I am sure that time is not right now.

    About the “here”. It is a mistake. I think in the latest post I made it only once. Dont forget… I am not a native speaker. I am a Slovenian. 🙂

    Thanks for the compliments. 🙂
    Matic

    October 18, 2015 at 8:06 am #85593
    Matic
    Participant

    Thanks anita for the feedback. I did indeed wish I would get it. 🙂

    I completely agree with you. I do think she should first be happy all by herself.

    Firstly: I dont think she will break up with him anytime soon. I think it might take to about a half a year. Also I dont think she would have broken up with him at all if she wouldnt have met me. I think now that she sees what kind of men exist it might open her eyes up eventually. This might seem arogant but her actions and words speak for themselfs. 🙂

    Secondly: It is not that simple for me. As I said the attraction is almost all gone. I guess it is my brains defense mechanism. When I finally realized that this thing will not go as I want for a long time I just lost interest. This might seem a little weird as I was completely enchanted by her yesterday but I cant really help it. I am at a time in my life where I have a lot of stuff going on. Like really a lot and thus I am searching for a person who would be really easy going and who would help me unwind after a long day. Someone without the drama. Someone who will be happy without me, because I will not be capable to spend much more then about 10 hours per week with here for at least this school year. So in essence someone who does not need me and does not need me to fix their issues. I need a person who is happily single right now. I hope you understand. I know this is asking really a lot from girls that are my peers (I am only 21) but I would rather be single than have to face all of what I wrote above. I am perfectly capable of waiting for my time for as long as it takes.

    I again hope I made sense. 🙂
    Matic

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Matic.
    October 18, 2015 at 1:35 am #85583
    Matic
    Participant

    You wanted an update so here it is… This will suprise you so sit down. 🙂

    We agreed to cook lunch together because it makes more sense than if I cook by myself and then she cooks by herself. After the cooking we hung out essentialy for the whole day. We went shopping together and when we were returning I saw a childrens playground and I convinced her that we should go on a swingset. So we sat there swinging and talking about this and that until it went dark which was for about 2 hours.

    I again asked some personal questions and some more provocatice ones. She also talked about her bf. She did not explicitly tell me but I deduced this information from how she was talking about him, that she is not happy with this relationship and as I see it this relationship has an end date. She said all by herself again how fun it is talking to me because how I listen and she feels she can tell me everything without being judged. She also told me that I am much more mature then her bf eventhough he is 3 years my senior. This told me she is thinking about me in a boyfriend sort of manner.

    Then we came home and she made dinner for the both od us and then we also made a cake.

    So my feelings and observations now are this. The whole day went like we were together without the physicality. I think she does see me in a partner sort of way but I also dont think she is ready to let her current boyfriend go, because she is afraid of being alone in the long run, because she thinks she is not good enough. Also she puts up with his indifferent behaviour towards her because she secretly feels she does not deserve anything better anyway. She herself said she is not acustomed to such kind behaviour that I show her. I think she really likes my attention and I am a huge ego boost to her. She knows I like her and that she likes me eventhough she might conciously not admit it because that would mean she would have to break the status que that she is currently residing in. At times I feel like whe wants to say something but she is afraid.

    I also think I made a mistake here. Yesterday I was too kind to her (sounds very silly). I asked her if she is cold a lot of times, when we watched movie I covered her feet without her saying she was cold and throughout the day I was just being her boyfriend without any of the physicality and I must say it almost completely killed my attraction towards her. The chemistry is slowly fading away because we spent to much time together and she started leaning on me for emotional support and I gave it so we essentially skipped about a hundred steps in the evolution of a relationship. I believe a budding relationship needs make-out sessions and sex to establish a certain level of intimacy and trust and in this case this intimacy and trust were forced upon us. I find it tough explaining it here. I would do much better in person.

    All in all I dont think she is ready for a relationship with me right now. We might come together eventually because we do feel comfortable in each others company and we do have a lot to talk about, but she is not in a very good place right now and what she needs right now is a friend and not a possible lover. She needs to break up with her current bf, take some time for herself so she can trully appreciate how good a person she is and only then when her palette is clensed can I start something with her. I am a 100% sure that if she breaks up with her bf and if she immidiately becomes my gf that we would not start from a natural start of a relationship but somewhere in the middle and the relationship would be forced in a fashion.

    Thanks for reading. 🙂
    Matic

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Matic.
    October 17, 2015 at 3:42 am #85530
    Matic
    Participant

    So here is the update.

    We agreed we would watch a movie together in the evening yesterday when she would come home from work. When she came home I offered her some tea so we sat down in the kitchen and talked. We ended up talking from 10pm to 2am when I went to sleep, because the conversaation was starting to fizzle out and I wanted to remember the evening for how we had a really good conversation and not the silence.

    We started like usually with lots of joking and laughing but because I wanted to take the opportunity to get to know her on a deeper level I started to ask her a little more personal questions. I asked her what are her worries. We talked about our exes. She was a little hesitant at first, because as I suspected she is quite shy, but as I opened up so did she as she saw I trully listen.

    She talked about how she sometimes feels of little value, how she is insecure in her current relationship and how her current bf in esence just brushes it off when she brings it up with him. Another woman was kind of involved with him but she does not know for sure. She only saw some weird facebook messages from him to a girl he went out to party with, saying how he is thinking about her and he would be glad if they could go out together but if not he wants for her to have a happy life. In my book this is a weird thing to say to another girl but it is not really straight up evidence for cheating. She did immidiately bring it up with him but he just said nothing happened.

    She also told me she has an inferiority complex regarding her proffesional success. As I battled with a similar situation I tried to offer her some advice but I was really not trying to bash her relationship and was just lending an ear.

    We did give a lot of compliments to each other. Me calling her very smart and very kind and I did say a couple of times how cute she is when she smiled and such stuff, and she also complimented my looks, how interesting I am and how she loves to listen to me because what I have to say is really smart.

    I think it was a really great evening. I think we connected on a deeper level and I think she now knows I can not only make her laugh but she also knows how deep I trully am and that I am more than willing to lend an attentive ear whenever she needs it.

    Also after yesterday I see here in a different light. I think she is even better than I could have dreamed off and I realized we really do have a bunch of things in common. We like the same stuff we hate the same stuff, we aspire to the same stuff and I really do think I am starting to have strong feelings for this girl. I just think she is perfect. This is where my head starts shutting off and I am really writing with my heart. I also stopped having any anxiety. I do wish to be with her but all of a sudden this is not so important. I somehow just want her to be happy. When I see her happy I am extremely happy. She trully is my sunshine and even if she stays with her current boyfriend I do not feel like I am any worse off. I cant really explain it because it is such a strange and novel feeling for me. I have never felt something like this.

    Thanks for reading. Have a great day.
    Matic

    October 17, 2015 at 1:13 am #85526
    Matic
    Participant

    Dear anita.

    I am impressed with your astute observation. I was in a hurried state when I wrote the second post although on the third post I was calm nad level headed, but when you said that I missed something I reread your post and I forced myself to see it through a different light. Maybe that is way it does not make any sense. 🙂 When I was writing it, it also did not make any sense to me.

    About telling her about my feelings… I decided that I will wait a little more time and if this not go away I will tell her in the sort of fashion you suggested.

    I do not have the time right now, bacause it would be long, but yesterday we talked for 4 hours all by ourselfs, and I will write an update for you a little later. 🙂

    Dear lovelimess

    What I want with her is to be with her. Casual is not what I want and I would not settle for it.

    What I started to comprehend through this last year is that loyalty just for the sake of it is not very smart. Believe me she is not the kind of girl that goes from flower to flower so I am sure that if she leaves him I will not be the reason I will only be the catalyst. If I treat her right and if I really would be a great boyfriend I am positive that she would not leave me because she would get bored or something. Also if she does leave me for another guy who makes her happier than me than in my book that is just fine. I do want her to be happy even if that means she would not me with me. Who am I to stop someone from being happy. Also I am sure that if she would not be happy I also would not be happy.

    October 16, 2015 at 11:39 am #85505
    Matic
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

    I reread your post for a third time as you suggested. I must say I did not get anything more out of it. I really do understand (or at least I think I do) what you are trying to say.

    If I understand you correctly you are saying I might just be a release valve of sort. A reminder for her what is outside of her relationship. Her current relationship problems (if there really are any. She might not like to talk about her relationship to other people in general) might stem from any issues se might have and not from here bf. As long as there is no commitement everything is fun and games but if I start to demand a certain level of commitment she might back away because she might feel a relationship with anyone is not right for here at this time even if her current bf might be out of the game. I am fun, we share some interests, we are casual.

    I also understand the attachment part. I have been in the same boat, meaning in a crappy relationship but I did not het out because I was afraid I would stay alone forever. She might have different issues that keep her in her relationship. Maybe her relationship in reality is wonderful but she is promiscous. All of this is possible and so I do not want to jump the gun by confessing my feelings.

    I thought my post would answer your posts indirectly but I guess I was not clear enough. 🙂

    If I am still missing any points please do elaborate more.

    Thank you.
    Matic

    October 16, 2015 at 10:30 am #85499
    Matic
    Participant

    I only saw your second post now. I also thought of this but I think the paragraph about not over thinking it applies here. I would cross that road when I get there. Also I understand that even if she leaves her current bf that she would be in a really terrible place to start a relationship with me but I guess I just have to accept that fact. When life gives you lemons make a lemonade. 🙂

    October 16, 2015 at 10:28 am #85498
    Matic
    Participant

    Thank you both for replying. 🙂

    I did read both your posts (twice) but I will not answer the directly as I agree with both of you. I just wanted to put this fact out there because I want to let you know your answers are appreciated.

    These two weeks were very stressful because I engage in a million activities and I barely have time to breath. Do not worry. I love this. I otherwise get bored fairly quickly. Today I finally got some down time and I thought a lot about my situation and I came to the following conclusion… I think I am overdoing it. Let me elaborate!

    I dont think I should be trying to consider all the facts and to try to forsee all the future possibilities or outcomes. This girl makes me feel very good about myself and obviously she feels good around me also. So why not just continue doing what we are doing and we will see how things progress… naturally. I came here looking for an answer to what I should do to get this girl but the answer was staring me in the face. There is no strategy. For anything of worth to come out of this experience I must be true to myself. I must be me. If I do this I know I will come out on top. If she “chooses” me then great, if not then hey, I guess she was not meant for me after all and someone better will come along. If I try any strategies then all I am setting myself up for is failure because even if do get the girl how can I keep up with the sherades forever (I hope I spelled it correctly!). And if I should fail I would probably feel bad about myself which is absurd as I was not even being myself.

    To adress anita: I do not intend to have casual sex with her. I think it is a very bad idea. A really baaad idea! 🙂 I think I should refrain from doing anything physical with here unless she dumps the guy.
    About the telling her part. I understand what you are trying to say and I do agree with you but I do not think it is the right time for this. I think I should get to know her better. When I know her better I think I will be able to read her signs better and then I will get a better picture of how she feels about me. Even though I said I should not think so much in the previous paragraph I also think this does not apply here. I do not want to put myself and her in a really sticky situation just because I was seeing things. This would really screw up everything. I do understand how I should go about it. Something in the lines of I really like you. I think you are this and that but I do understand you have a boyfriend and I am only sharing this with you because I want you to know how amazing I think you are. This is only from the top of my head so dont take it literally.

    I hope I made sense. 🙂

    Have a good one. 😉
    Matic

    October 16, 2015 at 7:18 am #85488
    Matic
    Participant

    Hi Inky and thank you for your reply.

    They met at the very start of university, when they were 19. I am inclined to agree about the status of their relationship but I do have some emotions involved so I dont think my opinion really counts as objective. I would like to understand your line of thinking why this is so in your opinion so if you could elaborate a little, please. 🙂

    I also forgot to mention. She will be finishing her masters degree this year so she will be moving out in about half a year. I do not intend to say anything to her about it because it would most probably screw up the whole situation. I am contepleting telling her when she moves out if I still feel the same way. But I must say I am afraid that the whole thing would fizzle out before it gets any wind if we just keep doing the same thing for half a year. I really do not want to get stuck in the so-called friend zone. Maybe this is a silly concern, but it is a concern non-the-less.

    Thanks again.
    Matic

    September 20, 2015 at 12:56 pm #83692
    Matic
    Participant

    A very interesting story. It may sound strange but I am also proud of you! 🙂

    Matic

    September 20, 2015 at 12:40 pm #83687
    Matic
    Participant

    I really like your mentality toddinrochester! Keep up the good work. 🙂

    Matic

    September 20, 2015 at 10:27 am #83677
    Matic
    Participant

    Hi Mefisto!

    I will try to answer you paragraph by paragraph so I hope it will make some sense because your post is very long (definetely absolutely nothing wrong with it. :))

    1. /

    2.I went through only one heartbreak so I cant really say how intense anything should be but from talking to people I would say that the wiser you get the more it hurts. That might seem counter-intuitive but just stay with me. The older you get the more you know yourself and what you want out of a relationship, so I would say you give more of yourself to the other person and show more of your true colors, which seems to me is especially true in your case. So I would not fret over your hurt. It is perfectly natural and normal.

    3. I would say that the difference in accepting and wallowing in the pain is what you do with it. When you accept your feelings you unerstand it is a perfectly natural reaction to the situation and that it may be debilitating but you keep living your life despite the pain. By wallowing you just take the excuse the pain gives you to put your life on hold. By living on you start to heal.

    4. I would not use any medication. I had a terrible time sleeping for the first week. But eventually the pain subsided and sleep came naturally again. If you use medicine it might become a crutch and this causes problems by itself.

    5. I understand the issue of loneliness. This was my biggest hurdle. When you go out you soon realize there is no one like your ex and you think this sucks. But what I soon found out is that this is actually a good thing. The thing with your ex did not go very well did it! You soon find out that not all people are created equal in reference to your life. Some may be your best friends. There might be people who you only see once a month. There may be people who you only party with. There may be people who you can talk to about your intelectual desires. Anyway. There are different people (which is a great thing) and you can learn a great deal from just about any of them if you keep your eyes, ears and heart open. The loneliness will subside in a while. Just go out and do life. Do what you love just for the sake of it. In hindsight my greatest breakthrough came about 1 month after my break-up when I decided that I will become the best version of myself and this still gives me consolation in moments of emotional turmoil, whether it is in regard to my ex or to some unrelated situation. When you have a relationship with the most important person in the world you will not feel lonely (maybe at times, but not in general) and that person is you.

    6. I dont know about this particular movie but I am sure it cant hurt in the long haul. After my break up I sometimes force-fed myself with songs, movies or places that I frequented with my ex. Sure it was terrible at first, but I refused to let my past keep hold of me. I would not miss lifes simple pleasures like having a drink with my best friend at my favourite bar or just listen to good music played by her favourite band. So I whink you should watch the movie. You will surely survive it and bit by bit you will realize you are stronger than what you think of yourself.

    7. This is very normal. Believe me! 🙂 It shall pass.

    8. I went thorugh several cycles. I at first saw my ex very negativly. After very positivly, then negativly… What all these cycles have in common is that they get weaker with every pass. Now I am in a place where I think I can see my ex the way she was. She was a great girl but we were definetely not meant to be togehter. I deserve something more. Not in the sense she was not good enough, but just, more for me. I would call this stage acceptance and as you know with your first girlfriend it will come for you too. About social sites… You cant see peoples personalities on there so this should not have any leverage to your decision making.

    9. I dont really know what to tell you about this one. If you do more to better yourself this issue will surely get better. When you realize it was just not meant to be this feeling will fade.

    I hope it was helpful.

    Matic

    September 20, 2015 at 9:23 am #83674
    Matic
    Participant

    Hi James,

    I understand your dilemma with counting the calories. It can be stressful. You one day eat to much and all of a sudden you are in a bad mood even though you know it means absolutely nothing for the overall picture. But it is a powerfull tool for weight loss and I think everyone should consider it.

    Matic

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