@Anita

Thank you for your reply. I am flying back this time to apply for another study visa as I am planning to do a short course in art to potentially pursue it further later on. I wish I could live in the UK indefinitely but for now it is not possible for me due to the immigration laws as I am not a citizen. So I will probably have to keep flying back to Singapore at some point when my visas run out. I don’t think I can apply to settle in the UK now until I’ve lived there for 10 years. So, I am feeling quite stuck, like the place that I consider home can never really be home for me right now as I will always have to leave at some point.

@anita I know. You’re absolutely right, they do need to stop. I keep feeling sorry for him and for myself for tolerating my behaviours but I understand now that feeling sorry isn’t going to help anyone and the best course of action is for me to just do my best to change my behaviours. I’m slightly ashamed to say that I’ve done most of the things listed and they do scare him and he’s been so patient with me, I just became so reliant on him.

I will talk it over with my therapist when I see her next on Thursday. And yes, they are motivated by despair. I think pretty much all I can feel in those episodes are absolutely nothing but despair and it feels so isolating and I just want to not be alone in it and I end up dragging him down with me. But you are right, I have survived them this whole time. I have the tendency to panic every time there is even the littlest threat of something going wrong but at the very least, I think this whole experience has helped me understand the whole thing a bit more. I understand that I just react with panic and despair every time something negative comes up (whether it be a feeling or something else) and I just sink into this trance-like state where everything seems hopeless BUT I know that it doesn’t have to be that way. That feelings are temporary and they pass just the same every single time and that if I took the time to just be mindful of the negative feelings or thoughts inside my head instead of diving straight into feeling like I can’t handle them then…things will not be so drastic. And I think I just generally need to be more honest with myself (and him) about how I’m really feeling instead of bottling things up until they overflow.

I think the most useful thing concept I’ve read in the book so far is something called radical acceptance, which I know I’m terrible at because it’s not something I’ve ever really practiced and I’m quick to judge myself but I think I want to develop a healthier relationship with myself (instead of always criticising every mistake and beating myself up) so I will keep trying to practice that. But in the meantime, I have created a distraction plan for myself when I feel that my emotions are going to overwhelm me.

Thanks all of you for your replies.

@Lostone27 I know I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can really just let myself be vulnerable in a relationship. But he said that we were going to try and work our issues out together because he also wanted to be with me. I mean, I know that doesn’t necessarily mean it will work but I definitely want to try my hardest to work things out with him.

@Elletinker700 thank you for your support. 🙂 we agreed to catch up in the evening to see how the other was doing. So we just exchanged a few messages, he’s off having fun with his best friend whom he hardly gets to see so I just asked how he was and eventually just told him I was going to bed and that I love him. And I tried writing a letter to help express what I wanted to say and sort out my thoughts and that seemed to help a bit. But, thank you. It really helps me to know I’m not alone, even if we don’t know each other 🙂