Dear anita,

Thank you for your advice. The second day went on much better, especially when a couple of friends told me regardless of what’s been going around, they are going to have my back no matter what.

I was surprised when the ex-narcissistic friend acted friendly towards me at the end of the first day. I tried to show that although there were no hard feelings, I was no longer interested in being in her circle of friends.

There remains one problem though. Remember the girl that I said I did not feel comfortable around from day one, but somehow forced myself to stay in a friendship with her? The one who was turned against me by the other friend? It’s just that I feel extremely uncomfortable around her. I remember back in the days I was always the first one to say hi, always the first one to ask her how she was doing. I can no longer bring myself to do that. As a result, we no longer talk, and I find this to be extremely awkward since I have never had the experience of “ignoring”  a previous friend. I know that she doesn’t care that much. She is happy as ever, and seems to be enjoying spending time with her new social circle. It’s somehow amusing to see that people who used to brutally complain and gossip about one another in my presence have now formed their own circle. I don’t believe such a friendship has got much depth to it, and therefore I’m glad that I’m no longer a part of it.

Still, thinking about that doesn’t help me with the sense of awkwardness. A part of me is glad that I’m finally free from her, that I no longer have to put up with the jokes that she made at my expense, or hear her criticising and making fun of my goals, dreams and interests. Another part of me, however, blames me for caring too much, especially when it is obvious that she doesn’t. I know that, if the situation were reversed, if I was being told that someone has been talking behind my back, the first thing I would do was to question the motive of the person who had brought me this piece of news. Are they trying to make themselves look good by destroying sb else’s reputation? Is it that they get a thrill out of turning people against each other? In either case, the intention behind such an act is highly questionable. The second thing I would do is to evaluate my own behavior. Had I done sth that caused a friend of mine to be upset? If so, I would have reached out to the friend, trying to solve the matter as calmly as possible as I valued their friendship above any sort of resentment or conflict.

I know I can’t blame her for doing none of this….I can’t force people to “care” about sth as much as I do. However, I find it easy to blame myself for taking her and her friendship too seriously, and as I said, I feel a sense of great discomfort around her. The thing is, I’ve decided not to put other people’s needs and feelings above my own. However, now that I no longer do it, I’m still stressed out. It appears to be lose-lose situation.

Mary

Dear anita,

Thank you for your comprehensive reply.

As for our college professors the dean of our faculty has proven to be not as “mature” as one would expect on a number of occasions, and it seems as if she actually takes pleasure in listening to nonsensical complaints. Also, she doesn’t try to hide the fact that the charismatic woman I’m talking about is the “apple of her eye”.

I guess my only option would be to take your advice on preparing short, sensible responses. I also have to work on myself to avoid getting caught up in emotions.

I very much agree with you on abusive behavior being about hidden fears and insecurities. However, I have witnessed that sometimes being assertive results in the abuser’s projecting their misbehavior on me, using “You didn’t do as you were supposed to therefore now I’ve got the right to punish you and any form of protesting is out of the question.” as a mentality.

With regards to my mom… when she’s upset, most of the times she forces me to leave the house even if I don’t want to. Sometimes I resist, but she gets more and more abusive until I’ve got no other choice. This is extremely distressing especially when I have exams to study for or am simply trying to rest in my own room. Other people tell me I have to try to keep her calm by submitting to all her requests and wishes…that’s just not possible. Sometimes I lose track of what the best thing is to do.

Mary

Dear anita,

You are right…this was indeed a learning experience. Most importantly I’ve learned that I shouldn’t get too close to people who I don’t feel comfortable sharing the truth with.

There are some worries that remain…as I said to Eliana,  this person seems unbearably relentless in “getting revenge”. She gets hold of other people cellphones sending sarcastic abusive words…mostly I’m afraid she may get me into trouble with the college professors as she’s very charismatic and persuasive. I wouldn’t be surprised if I hear she’s gone to a certain professor telling them how much I’ve hurt her (as well as other things), making the deal much bigger than it really was. What do you think I should do if such a thing happens?

Thank you for your advice with regards to my mom. I’ll do my best to apply it.

You said “Unless in the midst of a psychotic episode, a mentally ill person is aware-enough and are able, if motivated, to stop abusive behavior.”  What is the best way to cause this motivation without causing them to get even more infuriated and abusive?

Mary

As for my mom, I’ve reached out to a therapist, explained her situation and asked him to give her a call. He made several attempts…she never responded.

I’ll definitely let you know about the progress I’m going to make on the path of making more stable friendships, Eliana. Thank you again!

Love,

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mary899.

Dear anita,

I agree. There’s no need to apologize for asserting your own ideas and opinions in a civilized manner…and those who manage to get offfened and “hurt”, well, I guess it’s their problem, not mine.

However, there are scenarios in which the thing I have done has been offensive based on my own evaluation. On a particular occasion, I remember telling someone a lie about sth personal. At the time I did it because I knew telling her the truth would mean she’d immediately start rumors circulating around, causing unnecessary drama. Time passed, she learned the truth through sb I had confinded in earlier, and so it happened. Rumors, drama, insults…plus being called a liar.

I know that there are lessons to be learned from this…learning to set stronger boundaries to avoid such problems is one of them. I’m still confused, though. I know that lying is a sign of being immature. I admit to the fact that I made a mistake. The person that I’m talking about, however, did not accept a simple apology. She continued with her insulting and talking behind my back, demanding me to actually “show”  how sorry I was rather than just saying it, constantly reminding me of how hurt she was. This got me into thinking that maybe I shouldn’t haveven admitted having done sth wrong in the first place as it only seemed to have had worsen the situation.

With regards to my mom…do you have any advice on what I can do to minimize the tension and anxiety while living in the same house with her?

Mary

Hi Eliana,

I can understand the pain that you went through…trying to stay sane in a chaotic, toxic environment is never easy, especially during the formative years of childhood and adolescence. You strike me as  a wise, caring and loving lady…I wish you happiness and fulfillment in all your relationships.

“Cliques”…what is exactly up with them? Come to think of it, when I was friends with each of these girls individually everything was going fine. However, suddenly these girls decided to make friends with one another, forming a sort of clique, and there came a day that they felt this need to, as you said, gang up on me.
I agree that having no family member around results in you feeling alone, which then results in you lowering your standards when it comes to picking friends.

Having moved to a big city from a relatively small one, I had to leave all my family members as well as my old, “healthy” friends behind, which caused an extreme sense of loneliness. However, I have come to realize it’s much better to be alone than with a wrong, abusive group.

Thank you for the book recommendations! I especially like the title of the first one. I’ll go search for them.

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mary899.

Thank you for your book recommendation, Peter.

Dear Anita,

It’s a good idea to put things into perspective by making a list of what I have learned and what I’d like to change in my future behavior.

1. I have learned there is nothing shameful about feeling uncomfortable around a certain person. Instead of beating myself up for being too sensitive, I need to respect my emotions and take the message behind them seriously.

2. Just because somebody keeps saying how much they love you it doesn’t mean that they actually mean it. Chances are, if they are disrespectful towards others, always gossiping and always passing the blame, soon there will come a time that you, too, will be disrespected, gossiped about and be used as a scapegoat, no matter how much you were “loved” at the beginning of the friendship.

3. Just because someone says I have done something wrong doesn’t make it necessarily true. I have to use my own reasoning to evaluate the situation and come to a logical conclusion. Also, I certainly need to stop apologizing for the  things that I haven’t done.

4. To have peace of mind, I need to let go of other people’s opinion about me. Instead, I have to focus on what “I” think of me.

5. Although it is good to be helpful and generous, my level of worth is not measured based on how many sacrifices I make for other people on a daily basis.

6. I need to let go of my constant fear of what other people can do to punish and reject me. (I still have to work on this.)

7. Although I’m generally very quiet and reserved, I still have to control my tongue,  especially in the presence of someone who has shown a deep interest in gossiping.

8. I need to stop trying to fix and control every situation in order to feel secure.

9. I need to learn that it is very common for certain people to mistreat someone who’s been kind and giving to them. People are what they are and do what they do…you can not fix them or their beliefs.

With regards to the sense of guilt…yes. As a child I was always emotionally punished for being anything less than perfect in all areas of life. I was also punished for things that I hadn’t done or were not responsible for, such as my mother’s mental illness.

Again, thank you Anita for spreading your wisdom and for helping me to see the situation more clearly (:

Mary