Hello,

In a world that teaches us to become successful, over-achievers, that grades us from the first moment we set our foot into school, that puts ‘happiness’ and success as the ultimate goal of existence, no wonder that a lot of people are not happy and satisfied with themselves. I am not sure what brought you to this state… probably something in your past that contributed to your low self esteem, possible social anxiety, and I think that the blend of it set these bad events on.. Or maybe as Inky said, a chemical dis balance in your body.. When we are over-exposure on light of ‘gadgets’, with poor nutrition, little social interactions, no physical activities… serotonin and endorphin in our body are cut. It contributes in feeling ‘lethargic’, sad, and not motivated. I see it a lot nowadays, especially with people who are ‘gamers’, ‘news junkies’ etc . Maybe this whole thing is a combination of these two factors, and few other more, and the real ‘cure’ is to attack it from different planes -psychological, physical and mental. I understand you are not motivated, but try something anyway, a new person to talk to, life-coach, counselor… Simple daily walk in the nature, at least 30 minutes. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to make the first step, sometimes life forces us to.

You got some wonderful thoughts in the previous posts, so I’d just like to add few minor things… About choosing to suffer. When someone says this, at first it looks, scary as a form of self sacrifice. But I just remembered.. I read interesting theory once, that sometimes it’s easier for our brain to brand us as ‘victims’ who suffer. Being victim means that you have a reasonable ‘alibi’ for many things- not to take responsibility for your life and misfortune. Sometimes (I repeat-sometimes), we grow fond of our prison of suffering, cause we are not certain how to find our way out and it’s scaring us. It’s not that we don’t wanna be happy and this is our natural state, but (sometimes), it’s just easier to give up and let go. Forgive me thousand times if I sound like that therapist (who is useless in my opinion), i don’t want you put additional pressure and blame on yourself, cause now you just need to heal from this state, one day at a time. But I am just giving a theory and idea, something to consider. Because very often our brain can play these kind of tricks on us, and we need to understand them in order to fight back.

It’s wonderful also that some of your friends gave you suggestions about what to do, but as you’ve noticed different things work for different people and don’t get frustrated if none of that interests you. You can’t force an interest or a hobby, so don’t worry. But I’d still insist at least to get out in nature and turn off the laptop for some time if it’s an issue. It always helps at least a little. You can get all the counseling in the world, but if the chemistry in your body is not right for some reason, you’d still feel bad not knowing why.

On the other hand, you reached out here and it’s a more than a good sign that you don’t wanna suffer, that part of you wants a way out. And having the will to get better is the first and most important step… Once you make it, you will find your way out sooner or later.

And if your job is the big source of your dissatisfaction, maybe when you feel ready, just start thinking what other option you have.. You don’t have to figure it out in one day… Just start writing down any crazy thought that crosses your mind. You never know, some of them might start making sense 🙂

And I’d also like to recommend a documentary that I personally found really refreshing when I felt ‘stuck’ in life and unhappy with myself.. It’s called ‘I am (2010)’. If nothing else it will be 90 minutes of fun ..

Hello Janine,

You kind of described my relation to my mother in short… Looking from outside, as a stranger, she didn’t do anything wrong. We lost our father when I was 13, and since then she tried to take care of me and my sister, provide for us, clean the house, cook meals. From outside she was ‘the perfect’ parent, the victim, the strong woman raising 2 kids in tough times. But behind closed doors, there was constant screaming, blaming, constant negative energy. She comes from abusive alcoholic family, and she never knew happiness or love, so she was unable to channel it to us. She loved being the victim, loved the sympathy from the environment. No one believed me that she was an addict from pain killers and sedatives, that she smokes in the house though I begged her not to (my dad died from cancer, and I was worried about mine and my sister health, cancer genes can be passed on). And yes, at times she’d throw objects at me. I can’t remember how many times I stayed for days at a friends’ house, and later at my boyfriend’s.She wouldn’t even call to check where I am. No one from the family tried to help me cause how can you attack a grieving widow who dedicated her life to her kids (she never re-married or dated anyone after my father’s death). I can only say she was more interested in the ‘glory’, the sympathy and the attention from the environment than in men or the mental well being of her kids .

I didn’t really follow what are the reasons for your anger toward your mother, but I can totally relate to her constantly feeling like ‘the victim’,the good mum syndrome, the guilt trap, the support from your father that goes to her. I know you are teenager and your hormones make you even more sensitive in the situation, and part of you knows this, that’s why you feel guilt. But, I don’t know.. I still don’t have kids, but maybe the first step for you is to stop feeling guilty. Because we’ve all been teenagers, our future children will be teenagers, those are sensitive years, and girls your age shouldn’t be judged with the same criteria as someone who is 28 for example. If I were a parent, i think I’d expect my children to act impulsive, to be sensitive, to make mistakes at that time. I think that at that time parents should be the ones who make the ‘forgiving’, not the other way round.

And if she is ‘technically’ good mother, I think as well you do your best to be good daughter too. I was the best student in my class, never misbehaved, never stayed late, never did drugs, alcohol or smoked, never asked for expensive clothes, never did incidents of any kind. i was not ones praised for anything, she’d just rather yell for hours for a banal thing like ‘you didn’t wash the dishes 5 minutes after you finished your meal’. However innocent it seems, this can be quite damaging.

One of the most difficult lessons we have to learn in life is that our parents are just.. people, common mortals who also make mistakes. That they might have had best intentions, but it doesn’t mean that they always knew what’s best. We can only pray that we’ll get that part better with our children, and won’t allow trivial things or problems to build a wall of negative energy between us, that we will hear them when they have problem and help instead of attacking them. And we’d know where to draw the line. One of he toughest thing to do is to break free from our parents’ shadow, acknowledge that we have our own path to follow, and new horizons to reach. Forgive them for not doing their best, forgive us cause we expected for them to be perfect just because they were our parents. I know that it seems impossible for you to realize this at this point, but once you gain your independence, your distance, your objectivity, it will be much easier to get rid of that anger. Don’t feel guilty now because of it, I am afraid that it is only the time and the natural development of events that will get you there…Just be patient, and believe in yourself.

In the mean time, enjoy some of the perks of teenage life, like spending time with your friends, dreaming about the future, falling in love, listening to good music… These things have special wonderful taste when you are 18… I am sure you have many reasons to be happy and smile.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Maria_L.

hello,

I am sorry to hear that your (ex) wife is bipolar 🙁 I know it’s difficult to judge someone with such mental illness but I also know how difficult it is to also live with a loved one that has it. My partner had the most traumatic childhood living under the same roof with verbally and physically abusive bipolar father. They needed decades till they got financially independent to move out from the same roof and during that time they went through hell with his sister and mother. Because of him I got very interested with the topic, especially because it’s an illness that can be easily inherited and I was scared that he or our future children might have it (though to be honest, he is 34 and i haven’t noticed any sign of it the last 8 years we’ve been together’).

I am not sure if she gets any professional help in form of medication and counseling, but she should, immediately… The best you can do is catch her in one of her better days and convince her to get some. Lately there are options for many medications that can provide these people life with much better quality, and though not every pill works for everyone, it is the very rare individual who doesn’t find a medication, or combination thereof, that significantly helps. And psychotherapy… It’s a must. If not you, someone else, close and dear to her should come and convince her to take a more serious approach to this (there are also many other methods.. but, we are not here to cure your wife, it’s about you this time).

My advice is also for now, till you get your independence, to talk to a counselor too. Because none of us here are professionals, and I am not sure we are qualified to provide significant help for your situation, cause it’s of a more delicate nature. I am just talking from experience… I also had a friend while I was younger that started manifesting bipolar behavior.. And her mother called me to tell me how to act with her when she is in her manic state, what questions (not) to ask, when to call for help (after she has spoken to psychiatrist). So while you are under same roof, do it, because I can also tell that people living with bipolar people need professional guidance too.

Though we can partially blame your wife because she is ill, also, I know for sure that no one can blame you (or anyone) for refusing to live or maintain relationship with this kind of person, because it is very difficult and challenging one. It’s a choice you make, to deal with it or not. Since you are divorced it looks like the choice has been made, and now I can only wish you the best of luck to gain your independence. If it comes unbearable, stay with a friend of relative even in further location, because when you are there she uses you as an outlet for her manic urges. It seems to me that you have many tangled relations with her that are all result from your financial dependence from her. Do not ‘get comfortable’ in your prison, i know it wasn’t your life goal to be her nurse, housekeeper, pet keeper in exchange for roof over you head. It’s time to look outside the box and free yourself, explore more solutions. Start thinking about who will replace you once you get your own life… In the meantime get any help you can afford, if nothing else through internet research about how to deal with bipolar person. As i said, it’s a special situation, a medical one and rules and advice that come from common sense do not apply here…

Hello,

What did you like doing before you met him? Have you had an interest or talent you neglected? Have ever had a… ‘bucket list’? 🙂 I am sure there has been a moment where you saw a poster, an add that grasped your attention and then you just looked the other way. Now it’s good time to look back 🙂

I am so happy you feel passionate about life again… Even if you can’t dig up something from the past, the options are limitless, it all depends what kind of person you are. Different things work for different people. If you are more ‘dynamic’ maybe some sport and outdoor activity, travel somewhere you’ve never been, doesn’t have to be too far.. If you are more inclined toward ‘mental’ work, maybe learn a new language, take artistic course,learn to play musical instrument. Ballroom dancing is always a good idea too 🙂 If you like to explore in the spiritual world there are wonderful things to do in that ‘department’ too. I also think that volunteering for a cause you strongly believe in is amazing too. You can meet new people through these activities. Or if you have limited options about exploring your interest, just join the thing that is closest locally.

If you are interested to meet new people from different cultures that share your interests, you can try through sites like Inter nations, and meetup…I know many people in Europe who had wonderful experiences with these, I even attended one meetup myself. My sister also was a member of couchsurfing for a while, she wanted to have friends from cultures different from ours, she still remembers gladly her guest from Japan, Korea, etc….

Enjoy your journey and have fun.. Don’t push yourself to find a passion or a friend. Just open your heart and mind, put a big smile on your face and they might find you 🙂

Hello,

It seems to me that you care about this girl, and the feelings are returned… It’s not easy (looking from a girl’s perspective) being with someone for 20 months and kept listening that things should be ‘casual’, regardless of the religion… And also girls sometimes go for the ‘safe’ choice in any culture, someone who will be good husband and father to their children. Coming also from more traditional environment I can relate to this… You told her again and again that you can’t be that… I can only imagine the suffering she went through hearing these words again and again while she wanted to hear something else from the only guy she’s been with. Maybe she told you about the other guy out of despair and hope that you’ll realize that she has options.

Think really good if it’s fear of commitment your issue.. sometimes you can’t predict the date when you are ready to meet ‘the one’. It just happens. I think you should try your best to approach her, this time do it differently… There is a saying ‘boys fall in love through their eyes, girls fall in love through their ears’.So choose wisely your words and future actions. You have nothing to loose, and pride and ego are overrated…

I wouldn’t worry much about the other guy if I was you, though I understand that you might feel some kind of emotional betrail. From what I understood he was treated this whole time like plan B.. And one of my best friends used joke all the time ‘a girl has to always have plan B’…lol 🙂

I wish you the best of luck, and if things work out please don’t bring up this issue to her, all the time you both have an argument … You’ll end up in endless unhappy circle…Forgive, forget, move on and be happy 🙂 Sometimes it’s that simple

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Maria_L.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Maria_L.

Hi Ashley,

Just sending you my best wishes, and I know you’ll get out of this stronger and better. The 20’s … I think it’s the most turbulent decade of the life when we have to establish ourselves as grown-ups, find a job, re-evaluate our past relationships/ friendships, because let’s face it- life is changing us, and sometimes we barely recognize the people we were so close to. Depression and anxiety is very common in all this mix. Your last question of your first post was’ Anyone else going through a period of no close friends/relationships?’

When it comes to the ‘friends’ part consider me your soulmate…lol 🙂 I moved 2000km recently, leaving behind fake friendships, or ‘estranged’ friendships, and re-positioned myself in ‘no friendships at all’ situation. I know it’s hard, and as much as you try to be strong on your own, you need close human relationships, some people more than others. Everything seems better in my mind when you have someone to call, but.. is it right to rely so much on other people?

But it seems to me you are carrying a lot of ‘baggage’ with tangled relations with your friends and ex. I know it’s a bitter-sweet situation, but have you asked yourself do these relationships serve you more, or hurt you more? And more important, how is your relationship with- being on your own? I am asking cause I just discovered that I am scared to be on my own, dealing with anxiety and depression, I was always seeking emotional support in other people.

I won’t add much about your intoxicated friend, cause you got a lot of good answers already… People say stupid things under influence, it’s fine as long as it’s a one time thing and not a habit.

What I will add- maybe it’s time for us to become our own best friends, and start ‘small’ with other people..Do things differently this time. Get to know them bit by bit before we get too invested. I find comfort from my loneliness with simple conversations with new people I meet in all kind of groups and enviroments (aerobic lessons, organized movie nights etc…). I am starting to enjoy it.. Loneliness.. it’s scary at first, but gives us great chance to reflect on our demons, re-arrange our mental wiring that caused us problems for so long.

I hope that everything will work out for the best!…

Hello Name,

Have you tried talking to her? Asking her directly why she has changed? If she wants to be with that guy instead of you ? How long have you been together? Did she ever expressed feelings like love to you in the past? I personally also hate when people do that- they are technically with you, but slowly pushing you away and dragging what you had in the mud… One honest, even hurtful conversation, I think it’s better than months of ‘slow’ torture, cheating, and slowly and painfully drifting away. You know, as they say ‘a painful end is better than a pain without an end’…

You sound to me like you are sad and afraid to loose her, which is normal, depression is something more serious and I hope that it hasn’t spread it’s dark cloud over you… or her. Especially if she seems fine when she is around other people. When you are depressed, you don’t feel like talking to absolutely anyone, or getting out of bed.

And ask yourself what advice would you give to yourself if you were someone else, objectively observing the situation? I would say that maybe this seems hard now, but life is… life. Some relationships work out, some don’t, some go through rough patches. But I am sure you’d say to yourself you deserve better than a girlfriend who is flirting with your friend, and is not honest with you.

I wish you all the best, forgive me if I was to judgmental, I still don’t know what your girlfriend is going through… But I hope that whatever happens will work out for the best, and will be inspired by love (toward yourself also), not by fear…..

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Maria_L.

Dear sandstorm,

Maybe this post of mine will be more like ‘wishing you good luck’ and sending positive energy than giving a real advice. Cause I am kind like you when it comes to falling to quickly and suffering too deep when it comes to love, and trying to protect myself (from myself) most of my life 🙂 I have spent a lot of time exploring the psychology of relationships, analyzing, trying to help myself… I can say for sure that as much as you try to play it smart in love, 50% is just pure luck 🙂 Cause we all see smart people failing to choose the right partner, and other people just have it all, just like that without even trying. So I hope my positive energy will get to you.

Also other thing occurred to me… Ask yourself what is it that you seek in a partner? And what was your longest relationship ? Cause in my case, being too ‘dreamy’, and sensitive, I think I was always in love in someone… anyone out there who could fill in already good pre-prepared place. Place that should be source to romance, be my sanctuary from the world and my own demons. I put a lot of wrong people there… But I found a great guy 8 years ago… I was 23, he was 27. We are still together 🙂 I also fell for him without thinking too much, and I can just say that i was so lucky. But….

Even if you find that special ‘one’, things change over time, people change… after 7-8 years the romance will definitively not be the same, you won’t be the same. You’ll face real life problems and your other half can not always be there, every second, to fight your insecurities, demons. The problems will await one way or another 🙂 What I am trying to say is.. maybe we get hurt cause we are ‘romancing’ too much, expecting too much, coloring the imperfections with pink, just to convince ourselves that we have that love, like in the movies, and that is the purpose of our life? Maybe you need to get to know the other person first well… but before that you also need to get to know yourself bit better. Lower the expectations, always find some time to feel comfortable with yourself first. We can’t find the cure in romance all the time 🙂

And another thing.. maybe I am wrong with this (talking just from my experience), but I think that people like us (the dreamy,sensitive, romantic type 🙂 )… we should seek a partner who is more down to Earth, and can ‘balance’ us when we loose the ground. Someone who will inspire us to become more stable, emotionally and financially. I failed with people who were too much like me when it comes to their emotional ‘wiring’. We’d always end up in this dramatic, destructive cycle, expecting too much from each other and failing, cause we couldn’t help ourselves in first place. My current partner maybe fails to understand my sensitive nature sometimes cause he is ‘not in the clouds’ like me all the time, but he always has the ‘coolness’ to respect it. And to pick me up when I fall instead of syn-chronically freak out with me everytime I do 🙂 It can be really helpful in the long run.