Hi tulips8,
I am sorry about your stress and struggle. Good for you for recognizing that you are doing rash and bad decisions.

What are you doing to support yourself?

Meditation? Exercise? Therapy? Mindfulness/breathing?

Perhaps we can help more specifically if you elaborate what is your past, what is currently stressing you out?

Take care,
Mark

tulips8,
It sounds like neither of you can really have your violence from each other.

Note I said violence not anger. You can be angry. You can even express your anger without violence. But once you allow your anger to be expressed in physical violence then all bets are off. Your violence (throwing books, etc.) and wanting to provoke violence are indicators that this is not a safe and loving relationship.

I would question being in that relationship until that is addressed by both of you.

Mark

Hi Jen,
I wonder if this is a trigger for something else from your past? You may want to explore this anxiety.

In the meantime, walking is one of the better exercises. You can do that in any weather, anywhere, at anytime with little equipment (just good walking shoes/sneakers and outerwear for the weather).

Start off small and enjoy your surroundings.

It is even better if you have a walking buddy and there are exercise websites/social media sites where you share your daily exercise accomplishments so you can be accountable as well as seeing progress.
http://www.blogher.com/6-ways-hold-yourself-accountable-fitness-routine
http://www.mapmyfitness.com/
http://www.onlinefitnesslog.com/
http://www.justwalk.com/

Plus there is that home video approach where you can get a yoga or other kinds of exercise DVD and do it at home.

Good luck,
Mark

Annie,
I believe only you can answer this.

I can only say is for you to live your life regardless whether he’s with you or in Chile.

In Buddhism, being attached is the source of suffering. Look at that. Find what is meaningful and enjoyable in your life and live that.

I think you cannot lose if you do that.

Metta,
Mark

Hi Carmen,
I am sorry about your pain. You did not share your age and your bf’s age but I suspect you two are in your 20s.

I know love at that age is different later on in life when we have more life experience, wisdom, and time to reflect.

I know that romantic, goo-goo eye love is different from the love that has “legs.” What I mean is that love is a verb where we deal with loving ourselves and not depending on the other to validate our own selves. Mature love comes when we know ourselves and are willing to own our wounds. Love is self reflection rather than blame.

It does take someone who is willing to walk hand-in-hand through life knowing we each have work to do to really, truly love. In the meantime, we give each other grace and understanding. I value a partner who owns their shit, taking responsibility for their part of the argument (i.e. no blame, just willingness to work things out), and to know each of us has our own crap keeps us from fully trusting and to be totally intimate (emotionally, spiritually).

I value that more than romance.

I do sense you need this reassurance from him. I invite you to be your own person and not requiring validation from a lover/partner in order to be OK with him relaxing/hanging out with friends, i.e. having Guy time. Remember not everyone processes or thinks like you. . You said you are “that girl.” If you want to be able to have a relationship then let go of what you demand as the only way of communicating. Some people may need time and space before they can respond. They need time to process and think. Shaming someone into apologizing to you does not work out in the long run.

Each of you play a part in this. I suggest you own up to your part with him. It seems that you are demanding certain assurances or behavior from him. Look at what part you have played in your interactions with him and be honest about it. I would think if you are honest with your fears, insecurities, and thoughts then you two can be more honest with each other and hence a basis of a more solid relationship.

Mark

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

Hi Kay Elle,
It sounds very hard emotionally to be caught off guard and be caught up with such emotions.

The “beating up yourself” approach does not work for me. I have learned that when I get swept up in negative emotions is to pause, be mindful of what I am feeling in the moment, notice where it shows up in my body physically (e.g. a tightness in my heart), and breath into it. That gets me in the present moment and it passes.

I do not attempt to deny it. I do not attempt to tough it out. I do not beat myself up about having those emotions or not being able to get through them quickly. I just accept that I am having this experience and not judge it.

You may want a “time out” from where you are at physically to find a place to fully experience your emotions like taking a walk out somewhere to get away from the people around you.

I hope that helps.
Mark

Rhino,
Good for you for recognizing and learning that there are different love languages and have shifted your behavior. I also recommend the Non-Violent Communication work by Marshall Rosenberg. Ideally she will learn the process so you two can practice. Byron Katie’s The Work is also a great process in communication.

My guess is to give each other space so she can “recover” from her pain and get use to being on her own for a while. Giving space means to me is to mutually agree not to communicate or be in touch until after a certain period of time, say 3 months or even longer. Otherwise if she leans on you for support and you will be her crutch and friend but not a lover anymore.

Best,
Mark

Memm, I would love to hear of a specific situation so I can comment better.

Mark