Amy,
It sounds that you are very clear on what you want in the relationship and the criteria in order to have trust.

You have defined what is acceptable and what is not. You know yourself and your truth.

I invite you to trust yourself and follow your truth. That can be scary. And you can doubt and second guess yourself. But it seems to me you are very definitive on what you want and what you know.

Mark

Vibing for you Rosie!

Hi Amy,
Let me recap what I read, out of the 2 years you have been with your boyfriend, the past 1.5 years have been not good because of distrust?

For every relationship, I ask myself, what do I want from this relationship? Am I getting it? What can I do in order to get it? Is that feasible?

With your relationship, it seems that you want to trust your boyfriend and you do not. You are wondering if you are being insecure yet you have detailed specific behaviors which point to him hiding something.

What will it take for you to trust his behavior? Him letting you go through his phone messages, contacts, and call history? Him accounting for his spending?

And if he does that, does that wipe out the past 1.5 years of not-so-great time with him?

And if he refuses to do that then what?

I invite you to see whether you want to take charge of your life and your relationship.

I am curious since you mentioned being insecure, does your insecurity spill over into other areas of your life? Does it affect your relationships with others? your kids? your friends? family?

Metta,
Mark

T.
First young love seems to be more intense I would think (I cannot speak from experience). It seems that your brain gets imprinted with it because it was your first and it happened at such an age.

I can only suggest that you draw up a list with two columns; one side with all the good things about your ex and the other side with all the bad things. I believe this exercise will give you a more realistic perspective of who she is. Plus you may want to do another list about the relationship as well.

I would say it is about staying in the present moment of us thinking in the past or worrying about the future never does us any good. So I can also offer a technique in doing that when you catch yourself thinking about her, go look around and notice where you are right at the moment. Appreciate the present moment. Feel the physical sensations of your body to ground you in the here and now. Rinse and repeat. Develop that habit of not dwelling but to focus on what is the here now.

I also caution you on your language. Saying “I’ll never be as happy…” can be a self fulfilling prophecy and you don’t know that.

Take care,
Mark

Hi shraddha,
I am sorry for your dilemma. Your marriage sounds like a relationship does not really sound like it serves your emotional and sexual needs. I can understand why you enjoyed your colleague’s attentions to fulfill such needs and now missing the absence.

My guess is that your bigger issue is to find a way to be in a fully committed relationship that meets all those needs. I would think that staying married will not free you up to really live your life fully.

I invite you to think about what you really want. Five, ten or twenty years from now, where do you want to see yourself? What kind of life can you imagine having? What can of life you want to have? I would start from there and then you have a better basis on how to start living your life now. You can start making choices based on that future vision you want for yourself.

Metta,
Mark

I am sorry for your pain ainka.

I offer a suggestion to let this person go as the first step toward your healing.
I have done releasing ceremonies to let go of things I do not want in my life anymoe.
Write down your pain. Let your emotions out on paper. Pour out all your suffering, resentment, anger, betrayal, and lost love.
Then crumple up that paper and take it to a place where it has some meaning for you. Perhaps it is a quiet place by the lake or a tree or where you have your altar.
Say a prayer of thanks and love and then burn the paper.

And then, step-by-step, love yourself.
Do what it takes to nurture and love yourself day-by-day.
Each morning when you arise, look into the mirror, directly into your eyes and say I Love You.
Each day commit on doing one thing that will make you smile.
In your daily meditation, sit with whatever emotions that you have and BE with it however painful.
Be conscious of doing something good for another. Look outside yourself and perform an act of kindness.
Put this into your daily gratitude journal.

Let us know how you are doing.

Metta,
Mark

I am sorry about your pain Mallory. My understanding of what Buddhism says about us suffering is from attachment. It sounds like you still have attachment with what was from your past love. Yes, value and reflect on what you got from your relationship but also realize that is the past, not the present.

How I found a way to deal with pain is to sit with it during my meditations. I don’t try to avoid it or to push it out but to really BE with that longing, that pain, that former love. This is part of you. This is not a panacea to happiness. This is the journey of being fully human and present.

Take care,
Mark

Anyone,
Being human means having emotional connections and relationships. Even though you do not have a romantic partner in your life now does not mean you cannot have people who you can relate to, be with, share with, and enjoy time together with.

I agree with the others is to have a close relationship with yourself first and foremost. I also invite you to nurture the relationships that you have and/or create new ones.

Metta,
Mark