Your world was turned upside down by discovering your father to be someone else that you thought he was. I imagine that has made you rethink what is really true in the World. If your own dad has lied and betrayed the family then what else that I counted on does not hold true? No wonder it is hard to make friends at uni since who can you trust?

I like the Dalai Lama quote: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
There is a Loving Kindness Meditation that may help you to get to that place of compassion .. for yourself as well as for others. You can Google it for there are several out there online. YouTube has some.

Also you may want to try listing your Gratitudes daily so that you can focus on the good things in your life on a regular basis to get your mind out of what is not going right in your life.

I don’t think these are quick fixes. I think you should give yourself time to grieve and heal for the loss of that image of your dad, the loss of that trust you had for him, and the loss of that foundation which you model your relationships on.

Take care.

Metta,
Mark

You may be in a rut since you two are living together. Day to day living makes life routine. If you two were apart then there would be more opportunity to just being together exciting or at least desirable. What did you do before you started living together? Did you go out then? What cheap things did you do before the bills and responsibilities came into your lives?

I believe the ultimate solution is to live apart.

Check out this TED talk about passion between couples: http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html

Mark

Kristian,
Good for you for being courageous enough to share this with us.
I can go on about how it is counter productive to judge yourself but somehow I double that it will help you in the long run.
You are reaching out, crying out for help. You want to change and you want to keep the changes you have already done.

You already been given many other great resources and I highly recommend Bryon Katie’s “The Work” for I think that process is directly applicable and is a very concrete way of dealing with your situation.
http://www.thework.com/downloads/worksheets/instructions_for_thework.pdf

Start from there. Do the exercise and let us know how you are doing.

By the way, I see your substance abuse and smoking as ways of self medicating your disorders. I applaude you for being able to stop that by yourself. I think that takes tremendous courage and strength to do that on your own.

Metta,
Mark

So her behavior is one of wanting to have sex with other guys? I am at a loss on what to say. If I was to give any advice, which I suspect you won’t find acceptable, is to cut her loose. If you cannot be with her “As Is” where she won’t change her sexual behavior then the relationship as You Want It will not work.

She has emotional and psychological issues. I suspect she was raped and/or molested which started her cutting behavior and drives her promiscuous behavior with her cannot say no.

I cannot imagine “accepting and dealing with” that for a girlfriend. That’s a lot of baggage to deal with.

Good luck Morten.

Mark

Hi boo,
From my experience and studies, we tend to pick our partners unconsciously. They inevitably have the same qualities as the “difficult” parent of ours. I found out that I married my mother, an angry Alpha woman who did not like men. Of course those were not the noticeable (at least to me) behaviors at first.

I kept repeating this pattern of relationships until I noticed it as a pattern and where it came from. Since then I have consciously worked on my “stuff.” I use the relationships in my life (friends and lovers) as a barometer to my spiritual and psychological health.

Plus it is the person’s behavior not their words that speak who they are.

Take care,
Mark

Hi Mauve,
The only thing I have to add to everyone’s wise and compassionate advice is to stop your contact with your former lover totally. No texts. No phone. No email. No face-to-face. If you truly made a decision to move forward and focus on your life and your relationship with your husband then it is best to leave this friend behind… at least for a while.

You are getting companionship and validation from this guy or you were. I see that most of us look outside ourselves for that. It is time to learn to do that with yourself don’t you think?

Metta,
Mark

Rhea,
It sounds like you are still grieving your father, what that means to you and how you tie up your identity to him. I am sorry you feel that you are a huge disappointment to your family.

I believe that I need to be my own advocate. I have reached out to friends when I needed support. I sometimes get it and there are other times I do not. I learn whom I can count on. Desiring a hug or comfort and reaching out is an act of self love. I encourage you to do that.

I am guessing that you are in pain because you don’t have that anchor who was your father anymore. Now you are still finding your way without his physical presence. I encourage you to have a meditation practice. It really helps you to be with yourself. Our connection with ourselves is key to how we feel about ourselves and how we go about our life.

Take care,
Mark

Purpose, I believe in surrounding myself with people who I trust, that I feel OK to be vulnerable with, and support me. The other people I keep at arm’s length. Yes those negative people can be my “teachers” in compassion but there is enough challenges in my life where I get that “growth” elsewhere. Here I can consciously choose who is in my life and who lifts me up rather than brings me down.

Metta,
Mark