Hi Sally,
I think that committing to a relationship that involves upending your life after knowing someone for a short period of time (in my mind the relationship has be 1.5 years or more in order to consider it having longevity) is premature.

My two cents.

Mark

Sean,
The only thing I can add to all this other wisdom is that I view relationships as self selecting, i.e. if it does not work out then there is a reason why it should not. 15 months is around the time when reality sets in and the “honeymoon” phase ends. You highlighted a couple of reasons why she is not “the one” from her lifestyle, a life of no real responsibility. Yes it is a big leap into your life so no wonder she bailed. She has no one to answer to except to herself.

I believe people fool themselves. They/we live on thinking how we “should” be happy with certain things and in reality we are not. So she probably did not know herself that she really did not want this life until something clicked for her.

My guess even if she does change her mind, she won’t change her stripes as a woman who is beholden to no one, who does what she wants, when she wants to. If you do marry her I am not confident that you will keep her.

If you move on then I would recommend examine why you decided to choose her for a life mate, do some self examination for we each play a part in what we attract in our lives.

Metta,
Mark

Hi Ally,
You have already noted that comparing yourself brings on unhappiness. If I was in your position, I would focus on keeping a gratitude journal. What is good in your life every day?

Keep your bubbly nurtured. Be around people that uplift you. Focus on your own joy and co-create that joy with others. Be in service to those who are less fortunate. Share your bubbly and happy demeanor.

Let me know if this makes sense and do-able for you.

Metta,
Mark

Pocotouro,
It sounds like you were not totally emotionally honest with yourself or your gf when you got involved with her. You were/are still committed to your ex when you jumped into dating.

You owe your gf the respect of honesty. You are already hurting your gf by not being totally emotionally available and still wanting your ex.

Cut her loose so she can move on and so can you.

Mark

Hi Annette,
I am sorry for your pain. First I think it would be healing for you to acknowledge yourself on such lessons you have learned from this. Good for you for recognizing what you really value in your life.

I would examine what is the purpose of revealing your affair to your husband. As you noted, it would probably give him and your children great pain. I’ve have heard from therapists that usually the underlying reason to reveal our affairs is to share the burden of our guilt with the partner and that is tremendously selfish. This makes a lot of sense to me.

The other questions you have are how you can forgive yourself and move forward. I believe that until you commit to loving your husband then forgiveness is academic. This probably will take a while and a big internal shift within yourself. Love is a verb. I would think you really need to emotionally let your relationship go before being able to fully move on. You may need to really examine if you can love your husband and that you are able to bring your full self to the marriage. If not then you have some work to do on yourself first.

Metta,
Mark

Valleyrose,
I see relationships as a series of behaviors where one thing does not define the relationship. It is how we are with each other over a period of time that reveals the health of the relationship. We each affect the other in relationship. We behave according to who we are with. We bring our baggage, i.e. what we have learned from past relationships especially what we carry from our family-of-origin, usually unconsciously.

Plus we all lie. http://www.npr.org/2012/06/04/154287476/honest-truth-about-why-we-lie-cheat-and-steal.

Is the real underlying issue about you trusting him even though this is an anomaly and he admitted this openly to you? Or something else? Examine why this still bothers you. I believe we each need to our our own reaction and response.

If you still feel the need to talk to him about this then I recommend you look at Non-Violent Communication (http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication) as a model to communicate where you communicate how you feel, what underlying need that was not met and then make a specific behavioral request.

Let us know what happens.

Metta,
Mark

lovinggirl,
Your first sentence on explaining why you are in this relationship is because you are scared. Living a life from fear rather from love is never good. I use that as a metric all the time for myself. I continue to ask myself, Am I coming from fear or love? whenever I have negative thoughts or when I considering some action.

Also living a life from “you should” place is not living it from love. So when you said “you should be THRILLED…” that tells me that you are not being in this from a loving place.

The fact this relationship is “draining all the life and energy from me” should tell you something.

You have been scared and depressed without him. I invite you to love yourself. It’s can be a long process that does not yield immediate results but ultimately that is what all of us need to do. You probably need help to do this. Find a support sangha. Have a regular meditation practice. See a therapist. Find other ways to nuture yourself and tap into your joy.

Metta,
Mark

Jen, I have a guy friend who has an anxious attachment style (Google attachment styles for further explanation). He keeps getting into relationships but gets anxious about keeping it. He self destructs. This comes from his family-of-origin (doesn’t most everything?). I believe he cannot be in an intimate, romantic relationship until he addresses it through therapy or some other means that addresses this underlying anxiety issue.

So for you feeling lonely even if you are with him, that you want him to fill a void, and that you have been in such a situation before all points to dealing with your issue. You are reaching out for strategies for letting go and not being so anxious. My take is that your issue is best addressed with a therapist rather using online advice. Good for you to recognize what is going on with yourself now and reaching out for help.

Mark