Hello, Jan and Anita,

I wanted to do a little follow-up…I had a hard time keeping the NC, especially because he contacted me a few times, congratulating me on my work during the pandemic, asking me how my new tasks were going, thanking me for a reference for his vacation…Every time, I answered and then rewrote, as if I was falling back into something addictive…And I even sent him a template for a project he’s doing. And the answers were short, cold and unreciprocated. It’s very painful. I have now convinced myself not to recontact, and if he does, I will ask him not to do it anymore.

Another thing that upset me is that I understood between the branches that he is seeing a new person. Of course, I’ve been digging into her to see how she is everything I’m not: more beautiful, younger, very fit, champion of her sport, having travelled a lot, accomplished in her work and rich, two beautiful children…It depresses me even more…I’m no match at all.

So that’s where I am…I wish I could have given you better news but it’s a process, I have to be aware of it. Thank you for being there for me.

Dear Jan,

I also believe that his initiative problem is reflected in his behavior with me. I have always been the one who had to approach things, I think he tends to avoid conversations that will touch emotions (except when he pours out his problems with his ex and I listen to him! !)

As for his ex, she quickly became very serious in the relationship. She made plans for family vacations (both have children, not me), renovate a cottage, live together, etc. He says that what is difficult for him is to mourn all these plans. When she told him that she had never had such a fulfilling relationship and then, she gave up on him.

I knew him several years ago. It was then that I had feelings for him. When I contacted him in December, it was to hear from him, but obviously, it is someone who has always interested me! It is indeed possible that I needed something after my breakup and that he helped me. But I really developed feelings for him … we have so much in common! But you are right to point out that he is not emotionally stable at the moment … and maybe his attitude towards me and this decision is related to all this rather than to me exclusively …

You are so right Anita…His ex girlfriend was very intense at the beginning (she followed him by car to his apartment the first time they met in a convention to kiss him…he was completely in shock but in a good way!) I’m not like that at all…I like that things grow…But he kept saying that it was not something for him because it’s like a rollercoaster and when the ride is over, these people just land off…

You know what? I feel ashamed having develop feelings for him more than he did, that I thought he was Mr Right…I don’t know why but it’s like I misread the whole thing…and that he got bored a longtime ago and I didn’t back off at the time…Feels like I was not good enough and that when he started to know me better, he just quit…

Dear Jan,

Thank you so much for your response and your insights. It’s very helpful.

I struggled for a long time against the idea of ​​rebound because I had expressed this fear to him from the start … I should have listened to how I felt but I wanted so much to start this relationship …

They broke up in the summer of 2019. She was the one who put an end to it, among other things because she thought it was someone who took little initiative. He tells me he had a very difficult summer. Then they met again in December, with physical intimacy. She told him then that it meant nothing to her and that there was no false hope. And I contacted him 2 weeks after this happened…

It is true that I led him to want to position himself, but he was sending me signals that I thought were those of a man interested in going towards this type of relationship with me. It is true that when I proposed supper with my family, he quickly declined telling me that he was not ready … but he made me meet his cousin and his wife the week before. ..I did not understand too much. I love your words: “And let him bridge the gap between you, don’t keep doing it yourself.” I will try to repeat it to myself when the urge comes to contact him … I just find it difficult to think back to all these good moments together, everything was going so well from the start until this event … I wanted to be there for him but it may not be me that he needs…