Hello White Desann,

At least from my part I was just considering what you wrote about yourself and those are great qualities for a man. Being sensitive and emotional (that many confuse with desperation), to me, are also good qualities as well and I prefer that over the macho man posture that some consider attractive. I also live in one of the biggest economy centers in the world and I know what you mean about London, but mathematicallly speaking, you have about 5 million female opportunities there (yes, I checked haha). And you can always extend your search for neighboring towns.

Buuut, from your last post I got the feeling that you’re wallowing in self pity and that’s definitely not something – women and men – find attractive. When people tell you that you should love yourself and be content with your own presence, they don’t mean you should be okay with being single, they mean you shouldn’t come from a place of emptiness and expect someone else to fulfill this hole. You sound like you’re waiting for a woman that’s going to show you how valuable you are and that’s not how it works. The world will perceive you as your portrait yourself.

It’s a tragedy and it breaks my heart to see a man like this but I believe you can overcome this negative view of yourself, given time and work on your part. Therapy sessions help a lot, a professional is the best option so I’d recommend that. And also, the dating scene might not be doing you good, I’d suggest detox from that a little bit.

And feel free to post anytime!

Wish you the best!

Hello White Desann,

You seem like a great catch! Haha

As a woman who used dating apps for a while, I can say that it was a very bad experience for my self esteem. The whole concept of human menu is somewhat disturbing and a lot of people there are extremely superficial.

I feel like searching for love in dating apps is like searching for a needle in a haystack and it can drain you while you do it.

I like to consider myself attractive haha and it’s definitely not like you’re saying. We might get a lot of options if we want sex but very few if we want to have something meaningful.

Maybe you’re coming across too desperate but one thing that I noticed is that for the right person, it won’t matter.

I went on some dates with a guy I was messaging back and forth and he had the posture of “I’m interested but not too interested”, he said things like “you have to be super good to be in my life”, “I’ll have fun with or without you” and so on. I thought he was either really not interested or that he was trying not to come across desperate. But I actually liked him so had him behaved naturally, maybe we’d still be talking. Regardless of his motivations, I lost interest and wouldn’t be sticking around to figure it out.

Around the same time I met my current boyfriend, who I didn’t meet in a dating app. He was thoughtful and not afraid to show his feelings. Hes more like the sensitive, romantic kind of guy. He literally told me how much he was impressed and how much he wanted to know more about me. His caring ways, his honesty and genuine vibe made me want to focus my attention towards him until we became official.

He told me that many women thought he was less “alpha male”, too sensitive, too deep, too emotional, maybe even too desperate but to me it’s exactly what made me pay attention in the first place.

I had no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice.

Im definitely not the holder of the truth but if I can give my two cents, I’d say get a break from dating apps and try to meet people organically. Its slow paced and you’re definitely not going to have so many options but I think its healthier. Also, don’t change your ways to be more desirable for the majority, be honest and be who you are. If she likes you perfect, if she doesnt you can move forward and find a better match.

Let us know how it goes!

Wish you the best!!

Well, some days are worse than others. Sometimes I would call a friend or family, other times I would try to distract myself with work, TV shows…alcohol or sleeping pills to numb my pain. On the good days I was able to meditate, be positive about the day, be grateful.

But I had many moments when all I could was sit with my pain and allow myself to feel it. With this I learned that pain isn’t a negative feeling, it is an indication that’s something is wrong and needs to be addressed. A lot of diseases that are deadly don’t show symptoms. So it will help you to allow yourself to feel the pain and look to the direction it is pointing inside of yourself: why does it hurt so much? Why am I so attached to this person? What makes his words so triggering to me?

All of these questions can help you to have a better knowledge about yourself and help you to cure whatever is making you feel this pain.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Marge.

Hello Yarina,

I was reading your messages and I couldnt help but think that you and this guy might not be a good match. You’re expecting your date to do and say things that this guy is either not ready or not willing.

The fact is that when we are in the phase of getting to know someone, there’s no room to make demands. It’s pointless for you to ask him to do something or to behave in a certain way for you. In the beginning, you’re measuring if this person is a good match for you and if he’s not, you just move forward.

Being single and going out on dates is a time to have fun, meet new people, work on your social skills, feel good about yourself and eventually to find someone that can be good for you. It’s supposed to be a lighthearted thing so if it’s bringing you distress and anxiety, it’s probably not something you should engage in.

Hello Lealea,

Let me ask you this: Did you do something truly embarrassing like for example, dancing topless on the top of a table? Did you throw up on your boss shirt? Something along those lines?

If the answer is no, then I have another question for you: Have you ever heard of something called the spotlight effect? Its the name for the perception that we’re being noticed more than we really are. We’re the centers of our universe but not the center of other people’s universes.

Think about how much time you spent thinking about some random well dressed person you saw at the subway or the weirdo at the gym etc. You probably spent less than a minute noticing and thinking about these people and that’s pretty much what other people do when they see you.

Considering that you were at a party, other people could be drunk as well so their perceptions could be slower, their memories less efficient and all of these things.

I would say that meditation, lots of self reflection and therapy helped me to detach from the fear of judgment from others. In fact, I was the one judging myself too harshly, I was the one pointing all the fingers to myself. Work in improving your self love, in being more compassionate with yourself. It’ll be a tough journey but it’s worth it!

Wish you the best!

Relationships (of any kind) aren’t easy. You have to learn about dealing with people that have different opinions and perceptions. You need to make an effort if you want to have these people in your life.

However, I feel that friendships are supposed to add up to your life instead of being a source of stress, anxiety, agony etc.

Try to understand why you’re still holding on to this friendship and why it’s so important to you.

If this is a true friendship, you should work on yourself to let it go. Some people don’t belong in our lifes forever and this is fine. Maybe her time in your life has expired and you’ll have to detach yourself from it, give her the space she needs and be okay with the fact that you might never understand her reasons for distancing herself.

If this is unrequited love on your part, I think you should come clean about your feelings and try to work things out but at the same time, if it’s on her part, there’s nothing you can do but to let her go.

Wish you all the best!