Nadia,

I have a couple suggestions which I hope you find helpful.

First, try Metta meditation. I started it recently since someone mentioned it on here and it’s very self nourishing. I like Sharon Salzberg’s one on youtube.

Also, I also recommend Al Anon. It’s a free support group for those who have alcoholics in their lives, but honestly anyone with a dysfunctional upbringing could probably relate. It’s a gentle healing program.

For some people, the book Loving What Is is helpful for seeing things more honestly.

Lastly, be your own judge. The more you *know* that you have solid reasons for believing that you are kind and smart, the easier it is to believe it. In every situation, ask yourself what an admirable person would do and then do that. You’ll be so proud of who you are that you will have no room in your mind for thoughts which are so easily disputable! The way to get self esteem is to do esteemable acts.

Bon Courage!

i got a lot out of weight watchers. It helped me learn habits on how to manage my thoughts and feelings. I also got a lot out of the Beck Diet solution as it works more with cognitive therapy than telling you what to specifically eat. It takes a long time to form habits and it takes a long time to change them. I like the saying that if you focus on results, nothing changes; but if you focus on changes, then you see results.

Good Luck!

Kay,

I found a quote which I gleaned a lot from which said something aloing the lines of a great childhood doesn’t prepare you for real life. You, my friend, are being groomed to be able to handle anything. It’s a leg up because some people wouldn’t even get as far as you have without taking a downward spiral. You’ve got moxie girl!!! What I’ve taken from my experiences is that when I have kids, I would rather give them excellent coping mechanisms and resiliency habits rather than a perfect childhood. Life is full of curveballs and detours. People who can navigate them without taking it personally or losing their faith have a great advantage. Sometimes In real life people let you down, use you and things don’t go your way even though you did your best. You are just being taught the AP class at an age when most people are just getting the Intro Course.

It sounds like it’s in your best interest to not rely on your parents for anything. If you do, even for something small it will probably only end in you being let down or alternatively used against you with strings attached. So if you need to take a taxi to the doctor or gynocologist, just take it. If you can scrap the car yourself, do it. By the time you are twenty three, you can apply to college without your parent’s tax information and there are a ton of ways to build skills or save up until then.

If you can just accept this absense of emotional and monetary help, then you are ahead of the game. Bitterness about how unfair or rough it is is a waste of energy. Focus all of your energy on productive things. (Not that you whined or blamed them at all in your description, but if you are as human as I was I imagine it’s a normal feeling to have. I just want to encourage you to not go there. It’s a huge shortcut if you can avoid it!! If you feel bitterness, then that’s normal but it will set you back.) I read something recently that said that forgiveness is not a gavel that pronounces someone innocent but a pair of scissors that cuts the bond of pain and hate. I hope you approach the idea of your parents with a sense of peaceful detachment. Since you are 18 you do not need them in order to make things happen. Focus on using your time wisely. Immerse yourself in all things positive.

Some other things which resonated with me are how your mother used you as a confidant at a young age. Parents ideally are emotionally mature and stable, but it sounds as if you had to revolve around her to have a semblance of peace. I would consider reading up on codependency. Melody Beattie and Pia Mellody have some great books. Basically your mother put her needs ahead of your own and you had to fend for yourself in everyway possible. It’s twisted. Kids need guidance and shouldn’t be depended on or played as pawns. You shouldn’t have to support them or pay for things for them. You’ve probably developed a lot of coping mechanisms that you needed in order to get by at home, but probably don’t help in all areas of life. I hope it’s as eye opening for you as it was for me.

You can find people who will love you and support you and not make unfounded attacks. You didn’t deserve to be verbally abused and neglected or used, but regardless you can create your own stability and peace.

Concerning everything being your fault and everything you’ve done wrong, you are waaaaaaay too hard on yourself. Yes, it’s good to take personal responsibility….but eveyone is trying the best that they can with what they understand and are capable of at the time. You were not born with the wisdom and experience of an adult and yet you are thrown into situations. Hell, no one is born wise but some people are lucky enough to have paren’ts to guide them. You are trying your best as a kid and without support or guidance. No wonder! Things just aren’t working out in your favor yet. There is nothing “wrong” with you. You are in a challenging situation and you don’t have a good support system…that’s all. *Breathe* You can learn skills to overcome challenging situations an you can grow a supoort system. You sound just as lost as I was at eighteen. Don’t lose hope. There is a lot more I could say, but I’ll leave you with that for now.

Go ahead and leave me an email.

Also, I’ve gotten a lot from meditation. I like Sharon Salzberg’s Metta mediation on youtube.

Keep posting.

Hey Zena,

I just want to clarify that I wasn’t labeling you as dumb and him as bad. I just used those as common conclusions when something doesn’t make sense. I’m glad that you still see potential in him. For me, forgiveness has come to mean a lot of things. It’s accepting that the past cannot be different, that people are people with weaknesses/limited understanding/limited capabilites, and that people have potential as human beings even if they aren’t healthy to have in my life.

An exercise I used was to wake up each day and pretend I have amnesia and ask myself what I would be doing if my past didn’t matter. (Because it doesn’t. ) If today had all my givens (i.e. single, with a child, etc), and my objective was to make as much progress each day as possible, what would I be doing with my time? What would I be thinking about? Who wouldn’t you be thinking about?

As time passes, things start to make sense but for me it didn’t happen when I was tring to force it. Developing the skill of moving on even if you don’t have answers without villanizing yourself or him is a wonderful skill to have in life.

Wow! That is crazy that he did this before and you just found out two months ago! You just never know how things are going to unfold. Think of all that wasted energy on blaming yourself when you didn’t even have all the facts. Again, we all have limited understanding. Keep being gentle.

Good luck!

You’re welcome. 🙂 I’m happy it resonated with you.

Zena,

I’m not sure where to start. I’m afraid that this might come off trite or off the mark, but I’m going to try anyway since no else else has responded. First of all, my heart goes out to you.

Concerning “letting this happen” it’s hard to tell at any given point what the “right” thing to do is. Perhaps other people might have seen things coming, but usually people who can recognize the signs earlier and sort their insecurities from red flags have their own previous bad choices to thank for a keen inutition. So be gentle with yourself, you were lucky that you didn’t have experiences that makes you leery of close relationships. Sometimes people stay that same, sometimes they change drastically, and sometimes we just think they are one way and don’t have the opportunity until certain circumstances arise to realize what they really are. People are people and the only thing that is garaunteed beyond a shadow of a doubt is you and faith in something if you believe in a Connection. Utlilize this experience to find distinctions and lessons that resonate, not ones that make you out to be “dumb” or him out to be “bad.” Answers like that are usually over simplified, unproductive as well as inaccurate.

For myself, when I’m in the thick of it and cannot make sense of anything I thought was truth, it helps to not try so hard to figure it out or berate myself. Instead of feeling guilty, ashamed or duped by what happened, spend every living second finding new coping mechanisms. Wild cards and curve balls are garanteed in life, so since that is unavoidable all you can do is learn what makes you feel stronger, lighter and more positive. Don’t spend any time asking “why?” and “what if?” Focus on How can you get from point A to point B and maybe in time the gentle truths will make themselves apparent. When I was in a similar situation, I could only see my situation through the lense of blame and self pity and it was quicksand. Staying productive and not focusing on figuring people out proved to be a better coping mechanism than trying to understand orthe innerworkings and motivations of someone else or agonizing over things you didn’t know at the time. Now I have clarity on people I felt sucker punched by, but it didn’t come until a good three years after the fact. Commit to being gentle and kind with yourself even when you don’t understand the reasons yet. If beating yourself up was a good way to rise to the top, I’m sure we would all be as rich as Oprah. Unfortunately you can’t shame yourself into healing or getting over things. Everyone is doing the best that they can with what they know and what they are capable of at any given point in time.

Some thing to consider, even if you do not want to write about it here. Why did he walk out? Was it a character flaw or a situational stress driven choice? Either way that kind of coping mechanism is hard to deal with. You were brave to try again.

Do you think he had a point concerning moving to another country? I don’t know if he left any forwarding information for your daughter or made contact, but if he has any valid points, recognize them for what they are. Perhaps he up and left and it didn’t seem like it mattered one way or another where you were; or perhaps he’s grasping at straws to villanize you. Either way, self honesty can free up a lot of guilt or can help you logically let go of unfounded attacks.

Concerning staying over, I think it’s good that you made a distinction that he can make arranged visits without staying over.

Lastly, you mentioned that he had a drug problem, had his head in the sand and disappeared from her life. Perhaps he’s self loathing or overwhelmed, but either way he sounds like he has some avoidance issues. I’ve gotten a lot from going to Al Anon. It’s s free program that is for people who have alcoholics in their life, but It’s applicable to anyone who is close to anyone who is unpredictable, unreasonable and irresponsibile. It helped me a lot with my realtionships with people I couldn’t just cut off.

I’m also going to suggust two youtube videos I gleaned a lot from, I just need to look them up.

Bon Courage

Look at it from a couple different perspectives.

If you were at the end of your life and looked back at going to the fundraiser, would you be fond of that memory? If you were at the end of your life and looked back and didn’t go, would that be a big regret?

Now look back and picture going to Berlin. Would you be fond of that memory? If you didn’t go, would that be a big regret?

I can appreciate that you value keeping your word, but at the end of the day you are a volunteer. Volunteering at the expense of becoming resentful doesn’t seem like the right thing. Perhaps I’m not clear on what your commitment was or something else in the coordinator’s perspective, but from what you describe it sounds like you are feeling guilt tripped.

In my experience, if I am too altruistic I become resentful and depleted; when I am too self-serving I get stagnant and lose perspective. Neither is inherently good or bad, but it is a matter of balance and motive which can determine if it is positive or not.

Good luck on making a choice that sits well with you.