Hello Aballa,
I walked beside my daughter as she struggled to recover from an abusive marriage and have now worked with women who are trying to escape from abusive relationships for several years. Your story is heartbreaking to read and it is all too familiar to me. In many ways, emotional / verbal abuse is more damaging to a person than physical abuse because it destroys one’s sense of self.

Abuse is not about love…it is all about power and control. It also gets worse over time, not better, and even with extensive therapy only an extremely small percentage of abusive men will change. Your ex-partner displays the behaviours of a classic abuser, and there is absolutely nothing you personally can do that will make him see the error of his ways and change….no amount of love towards him, no amount of explanations, no amount of second chances, no difference in where he lives, no difference in jobs, no difference in your behaviour or how you react to his abuse. His abusive behaviour has to do with him and his mindset. It is not about you.

I would like to recommend an excellent book entitled “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. It is the book we recommend to all of our clients and I believe you will get some very valuable and helpful insights from it. The author has worked extensively with abusive men and knows how they think and operate…and he has written the book for the women.

For your own emotional safety and well-being I hope you can keep your resolve to end the relationship for good. You will recover….but please be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time. If you can find a good support group for abused women or counselling agency that understands the dynamics and consequences of abuse, you might also find those very helpful.

Take care.