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MalenaParticipantHi Anita,
a lot of food for thought. Thank you once again for your input, much appreciated!
MalenaParticipantDear Anita,
I feel very helpless as I’ve tried to highlight the abuse a number of times and it’s impact on children’s mental health long term. Trouble is – the kids are so desperate for her love they don’t want to be parted from her and he believes they’ll work it out by themselves and soon become more independent…maybe from an observer’s perspective it’s easier for me to suggest more radical solutions….but then I almost become the ‘bad guy’ (though he says he understands where I come from)….
I can see I need to take a step back and think it all through. It’s difficult to give up on love.
Thank you for your insight, it’s very helpful.
MalenaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your very sobering words, I’ve been mulling over them for the last few hours. Bf will not seek full custody as he doesn’t want to deprive the children of contact with mum and cause them more distress. And it’s a hostage situation for all involved. I’ll somehow have to leave
MalenaParticipantThank you all for your comments, it’s really helpful to hear other people’s perspectives.
We are not planning to marry but we both want to have a relationship as in living together and going through life together. However this plan seem to move further and further away now.
The kids’ mother is likely on a narcissistic scale – she just doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s doing, she refused to do any form of mediation or counselling for herself and any form of disloyalty from the children is punished by tantrums and threats. It’s heartbreaking to watch, also to see how the older girl starts behaving like mum to earn her love and the younger one is too scared to support dad. Any attempts from my bf to have a constructive conversation with his ex end up in verbal abuse from her. My bf’s strategy is to compensate all this for his kids by creating a calm & predictable environment at his home and not challenge the ex. Anita – I agree with you, I think it would be better for the girls long term to actually be introduced to my presence (they wouldn’t have to interact) otherwise the emotional blackmail and control will go forever and they will grow up with a skewed view of relationship and boundaries……but it’s easier for me to say so as I’m not their parent. I love my bf but I guess it may be down to me to decide at some point to stay or to go….it’s difficult and I’m dreading it as otherwise we have such a great relationship
MalenaParticipantValora,
thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it. I, too, consider my children’s feelings and I would never force his children to interact with me if they don’t want to but when after 3.5 years you are not even able to stay under the same roof the questions start coming: what needs to happen to move this relationship forward so that we actually can be partners….children’s mother doesn’t love them unconditionally, she continuously threatens to leave them if they engage in any positive way in dad’s relationship so they leave in constant fear of mother’s rejection…bf is a fantastic dad so I fully understand that he doesn’t want to cause the children any distress. The older child now starts behaving like mum, giving dad silent treatment at any mention of our relationship. I feel there’s nothing I can do other than wait for a change in my bf’s management of this situation but my worry is that there’s no clear timeline on the horizon….unless there’s a solution I don’t see? (Apart from leaving)
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