I’m sorry for anyone who comes across this post… I typed it up in a different file before pasting it here and now there’s all these coding errors showing up. Feel free to delete and I can try again.

Hi Anita,

You are correct in that observation. I do struggle being true to myself because that almost always involves hurting someone else with no intention. I end up crossing my own boundaries just to make sure their feelings are spared, but then I end up feeling worse for not taking a stand for myself. It’s like a catch 22. I started to work on my self-compassion last year and promised myself I will be true to my feelings and self, even if it means hurting someone else. But my problem seems to be putting myself in situations I shouldn’t put myself in just to be able to make a stand. In this case, it was agreeing to catch up in the first place then informing the person they aren’t a priority or considered a close friend.

“She didn’t act like she was expecting us to be close again nor mentioned it… she also didn’t seem to care about reaching out or talking more in depth about things“- maybe she was aware of how her negativity affected you in the past (causing the friendship to end), so, she limited what she shared with you, the frequency of contact and she did not reveal her expectations to you. – this is a great perspective that I never considered before. I thought it meant she didn’t care to be close again either and just wanted to have a “no hard feelings” acquaintance situation.

“When you mentioned pay attention to others’ expectations, what is a good approach for this?”- let’s talk about reconnecting with F: “Many years later… she reached out to say hi. It was very casual. She asked if I wanted to come over for a drink one night so I did because why not?“- before agreeing to meet her for a drink, you could have found out somehow (perhaps through her social media postings, or you could have asked her deeper questions) if her life circumstances and negativity changed in those many years of no contact. And based on that information, you could have either not reply to her initial hi, or send her a short reply that would indicate your lack of interest in renewing a friendship with her – again, this is something I hadn’t considered before. I could have taken that initial reach out text and used it to let her know why I stopped contact on my end and that I have no intention of rekindling that unless things have changed. I appreciate this advice and insight into the “what should I have done” scenario. I will hold onto this should I find myself in a similar situation again.

Thank you for taking the time to respond kindly to my situation. Since it’s been a while since my last post, no updates regarding F have taken place.

Anita,

Thank you so much for your input and perspective on this. I can understand why she felt this way, but at the same time, she didn’t act like she was expecting us to be close again nor mentioned it. I think I was so surprised that she felt this way because she also didn’t seem to care about reaching out or talking more in depth about things. I guess I never really considered that she might have had old wounds that she felt were being teared open.

When you mentioned pay attention to others’ expectations, what is a good approach for this? Like I mentioned above, she acted like it was a casual hangout as well and didn’t give any hints that she wanted to go back to how we were. Should I start to question someone who asks to spend time together what their intentions are? Is it rude at that point to say no, I’m not interested?

Again, thank you for your insight. Sometimes I don’t always see as clearly as I think I do because I was clearly ignorant to our past and didn’t even consider that those were her intentions. I feel stupid for that.