Hey DXM,

Much like some other people here, I signed up just to respond to your comment. I don’t really have a way with words as you seem to, and I’ve spent about two hours trying to phrase this better. I’d just like to say that you can feel free to completely ignore this if none of this applies to you. I’m kind of using this as a way to understand what I’m going through as well. It’s a letter to me, and anyone who might feel like me. It’s not very kind, I’m a blunt person.. I honestly don’t know how to make this sound nicer/prettier.

As I was reading your post and your responses, your way of thinking seemed to resonate with mine. I’m not intelligent enough to be fully aware of the way my mind works so I don’t know if I’m right about this. And I apologize if I’m not.
But it appears to me that some part of you feels as if the world owes you the happiness or the companionship that everyone around you seemingly has. That it’s unfair that you’ve been put through so many days of loneliness when you have so much capacity to love. You’re aware that you’re luckier than a lot of people in the world that have it worse but still, you’ve never felt love for all your life and it’s absolutely not for lack of trying. And almost every day something seems to drive that point home further.
I just recently happened upon the idea that fairness is a human construct. And that the universe is ignorant of it. There is no fair or unfair, there are just our lots in life. If you don’t believe in a God, this might be easier to consider: The universe owes you nothing. Some people find love and some don’t. Some people don’t have arms and some do. But it’s so ingrained in us that fairness is something to be expected. The universe doesn’t owe you love.
You’ve spent a lot of your days dwelling on the fact that you don’t get it while others do- at least in some form or the other. And you’ve built up all this resentment and channeled it into expectations and ideas of love. And you’ve set such high expectations that it’s making you unhappy to even think about love. You’ve been counting all the days of loneliness and keeping tabs on all the times you’ve felt bad because of it that if anything or anyone were to try and make up for it right now, it’d have to be a grand, grand gesture. You’ve been dwelling on this problem so deeply that the problem has sub-problems and you have complicated hypotheses as to the ways in which it affects you. And this now seems to be an insurmountable problem, and what chance do you have at overcoming such a complex situation? And even if you do, you’re still changed by it in ways that might never leave you to be in that socially acceptable non-damaged state.

If you can resonate with any of this, my point is that it sucks. It sucks having to go through what you’re going through. There’s no denying how horrible it is. But life isn’t fair to anyone. Life isn’t fair at all, and expecting it to be is setting yourself up for disappointment. It doesn’t matter who’s found the love you seek and who hasn’t. It doesn’t change your life in any way. You’re hurting yourself by constantly dwelling on this issue and finding faults with yourself to explain it. You might be so used to making this problem a major part of your everyday life, or maybe even your identity. And in your situation, it’s very difficult not to. But I hope you can start to try and let go of how much resentment and sorrow and anger it has caused you all along, and how bleak it seems. And stop letting it define such a big part of you and what you think about. You are so much more than your lack of companionship. You must have other passions and joys in life to dwell on. And if you don’t, try finding them! The root may have been your loneliness, but a major problem now is how you’ve let it change you and your life. Maybe if you try and work on that, it will help you with controlling your thoughts and your mind. And maybe you’ll strengthen your love for yourself 🙂

Hope I helped at least a little.
Smruthi