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November 23, 2018 at 8:34 am #244867JeanParticipant
The flat out truth is I know I messed up. I was so scared to lose her that I ended up losing her.
November 23, 2018 at 8:24 am #244863JeanParticipantRealistically I know I hurt her. And she still may be healing. And thatās why I havenāt tried reaching out. because that would be unfair to her.
November 23, 2018 at 8:15 am #244855JeanParticipantI can present the story in a shorter more condensed version, wherein I also talk about my short comings. We were best friends, but when things started changing for me I let my anxiety get in the way and didnāt tell her for years. Around the time that she moved out, I got anxious again and let it get in the way of our relationship and we didnāt talk for awhile. When I finally told her I had feelings for her, I was again anxious, tried to figure things out and got scared, as did she. So we again didnāt talk. Then started dating, I would be anxious sometimes and act out in ways that were wrong based on my anxiety. But what we lacked was communication in the way of being open and honest about what was scaring us at the time and how we could get around it. I think thatās what ultimately led to the breakup. She and I both were scared to directly face the issues, and she was braver than I and called it off when it wasnāt working for her. I donāt resent her or that decision, it was strong of her. The only place Iām at now is worrying that I have all this guilt and regret at how things happened and I wish I could apologize over and over again for how things happened. Me saying that I know she is depressed and isolating is just me searching for some closure that I canāt get from her, it gives me a bit of an understanding why she wonāt talk to me or see me right now. Iām scared to lose the most important person in my life. I want to try again with her, i still love her and know now how to not make the same mistakes again. I feel like I failed her and would do anything if she let me back into her life.
November 23, 2018 at 8:08 am #244849JeanParticipantAlso no one has said it was strictly her fault. Not even me. What people are telling me is that based on her behavior, this isnāt necessarily a reflection of me. not That itās not my fault at all, I havenāt heard that from anyone and Iām not looking to hear that from anyone. Itās a two way street and Iāve known that from the beginning
November 23, 2018 at 8:06 am #244841JeanParticipantOh no no no, I am not trying to place blame on her in any way, I know full well that I had plenty to do to contribute to it. I have taken responsibility and sincerely apologized to her about what I know I did, and Iām working hard on the issues I had during the relationship. Iām not at all trying to bad mouth her to anyone, I donāt believe she is a bad person at all and know she doesnāt deserve it. Me contemplating if she is depressed is strictly me being concerned about her, and Iām not presenting her in any way to anyone else. Everyone who I have talked to knows her just as well or better than I have, and have come to their own conclusions on their own.
November 23, 2018 at 7:05 am #244825JeanParticipantThe other topic I started was about a thanksgiving that she was hosting and I was initially supposed to be a part of. It was bare bones in comparison to what it was going to be. Originally the plan was her mother, my parents, her and I, two of her cousins, and our friends. It was just the cousin who lives with her, her, her mother and 2 of our friends who felt obligated to go, considering they donāt like the way my ex has been behaving and they donāt like her cousin/roommate, and left earlier than they were supposed to. I saw some posts from there yesterday, not from my ex but from our friends, and it seemed like they were having some fun, and it made me sad. I talked to that friend this morning who said it went āfineā, but my ex and her cousin bickered a lot. I was sad all day yesterday and spent more time than I should wondering if they missed me at all. My friend said they did miss me, but I donāt know if my ex missed me yesterday like I missed her, and that drives me nuts. I know sheās putting on such a strong front to the world right now to make sure she doesnāt have to face these feelings. Or is she really just completely over me? Does she not miss me because sheās over me, or are the feelings so strong that she doesnāt want to break down and talk about them because it would hurt?
November 23, 2018 at 6:54 am #244821JeanParticipantI also donāt think it was nearly as fun as it was advertised as being, like when I was involved and even after I wasnāt involved. She said it was āfineā, not good or great.
November 23, 2018 at 6:13 am #244815JeanParticipantJust spoke with a friend who was there, said it went fine. No drama other than bickering between her and her cousin. I was expecting maybe something from her, is that selfish? I still just wish I knew if I was missed. My friends said they missed me, but I donāt know if she did.
do you think she misses me how I miss her?
November 22, 2018 at 12:43 pm #240395JeanParticipantIt was expressed quite a bit in the relationship. Many different times, especially around the beginning, I would often times do or say things because I almost didn’t believe she wanted to be with me, and I wanted validation. I have an issue with texting first or asking to hang out because I worry I’m bothering her, she’s usually busy. She cited that in our breakup, saying I wasn’t meeting her halfway and felt that she had more confidence in our relationship than I did. I also spent a lot of time worrying her family didn’t like me, given I am tattooed and have a piercing and she doesn’t, her family is conservative and wasn’t completely on board when they found out we were dating, given the same sex relationship. That led me to almost breaking up with her once on a trip to see her family, my anxiety got so far in the way and I was terrified and overwhelmed that she would break up with me because her family didn’t like me. That being said though, her family does like me. Her mother loved me and could tell we had feelings for each other before we were dating, and her sister and mother told her that I was good for her.
The thing about that is I felt that this didn’t warrant a breakup. I had no idea that these things bothered her so much until she was ending it. Wouldn’t that sort of thing be discussed in a conversation and an agreement to work on it? I was working on myself and my insecurities, and continue to. I just have a lot of guilt about feeling like it was my fault, although everyone I’ve talked to says it’s not my fault, and how she’s behaving isn’t a reflection on me because I took personal responsibility, she has yet to take any personal responsibility for the breakup, because she hasn’t talked about it and will change the topic once someone asks her what she could have done differently.
I know what I could have done differently, and I just wish I could show her what I’m capable of.
And I understand! As I was writing it I realized it was a much longer and more complicated story than I thought, and likely left some stuff out. But I am open and willing to be honest about anything, so ask any questions you need to.
November 22, 2018 at 12:10 pm #240377JeanParticipantI thought it would be a bad idea because I was harboring some pretty strong feelings for her at that point but we were just best friends at the time. Around the time that she was moving out I was really anxious because I thought that her moving out and to a different space from me, about 20 minutes away, might mean that I would see much less of her and we would grow apart. I’m not exactly sure why she reciprocated and also didn’t really speak to me, I think she was also sad and saw me retreating a little bit. Us not talking only really lasted about a month, maybe just over a month, and during that time she apparently was really upset and would mention me all the time, and how we weren’t talking and how she missed me. She always missed me when we were dating too, like if I was on a trip or she was. We never really went too long without missing each other, through our friendship and relationship. I remember clearly, right around the time I developed feelings for her, she texted me one day into our Christmas break and said “this is bad, I miss you already”, but again, we were just friends at the time and this was years ago.
I miss her as desperately as I always have. I miss her laugh and seem to have forgotten the way her voice sounds. I don’t miss her because I’m lonely, I’m not lonely. I have so much love and friends in my life, but there’s this void that I can’t seem to fill. It hurts feeling like she may not miss me the way I miss her, and she may not miss me at all. She hasn’t told anyone that she misses me, and I have told everyone I miss her.
November 22, 2018 at 9:12 am #240339JeanParticipantThank you for the responses anita, they really are helping. And I like those words, I may try those.
what I am struggling with though is not understanding why she canāt provide closure, and why we couldnāt just go back to being friends. We were best friends for 5 years before we started dating. Is she still feeling raw, or is it possible she isnāt over me and canāt handle those feelings yet and just needs time? Does she miss me or care at all?
and based on what Iāve said, do you think thereās a chance for us? Iām working on making myself my best self. Iāve grown in this time apart, and I know what I would need to do. I know distance makes the heart grow fonder, and it has in my case, but has it for her?
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Jean.
November 20, 2018 at 12:49 pm #239895JeanParticipantYouāre right, it just worries me that she is aware that sheās processing things unhealthily. If she continues, that may never change.
November 20, 2018 at 11:47 am #239719JeanParticipantI want to do that, but she has said she doesnāt want to see or talk to me at all right now. Which also hurts because this wasnāt a messy breakup, or one that gave her reason to hate me. She refuses to talk to me. She hasn’t really even talked about our breakup with her friends. When her best friend tries to get her to talk about it she can say what she felt I did wrong, but when her friend asks her āhow do you think you contributed?ā She will literally change the topic or say she doesnāt want to talk about it anymore, I feel as if my hands are completely tied.
November 20, 2018 at 9:32 am #238687JeanParticipantIām trying. I am doing radio silence. Itās at the point where I am almost afraid of doing or saying anything because I donāt know how cold sheās going to be and how far away it will push her. It just hurts because this is the longest weāve gone with no communication for years, and Iām worried about her. Iām not worried sheās out and seeing other people, but Iām worried she will repress her emotions for long enough and will completely and forcefully forget the feelings she had for me and just flat out never have me in her life ever again.
November 20, 2018 at 9:29 am #238685JeanParticipantThis is very very true. She repressed emotions and internalizes everything. After the breakup her friends even would ask her if she wanted help after she said she was sad, and she would flat out deny it and say she was trying to figure out how to process on her own, which we all know is just internalizing and bottling feelings uoz I know where this comes from, this has always been a trait of hers, and I think it comes from a family that doesnāt talk openly about feelings and looks down on the weaknesses of their loved ones. What does hurt me though is that she knows the kind of person I am. I cry and I talk and I let my emotions out whenever I can, it helps me. And I allow people to vent to me and talk to me. She knows thatās who I am, but seems to have forgotten. I still worry about her and want to be there for her, and Iām also slightly worried that she could just repress and internalize so much that she just digs herself into a deeper hole and pushes thoughts and feelings of me so far down and I never see her ever again.
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