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MadalinaParticipantHello Anita,
So sorry about the confusion, I saw you`re name above 😀
So also thank you Helcat for the responses and tips, I really do hope it will get getter as I work on my diet as well. I do feel sometimes like I lost touch with myself not knowing what works and what doesn`t for me.
Yes, I came here some time ago when I was really in a bad place emotionally, glad to be here also, sorry I come only when I`m in bad periods of my life. When I was younger I used to hang on forums as a everyday activity, almost like a hobby, I learned so much this way, now when adult life seems to take a lot of time and space, and of course other type of activities, I find myself reaching the forum when I need help.
Surprisingly I am better from an emotional point of view now, much more better than I was when I wrote in my thread, or at least I think I am. I made peace with lots of the issues exposed there, me and my boyfriend did a lot of individual work as well as therapy and we started seeing results in our relationship. Of course others issues arrised and I still surprise myself being jealous or even have a tendency to control the events or people, especially him, around me, it is a work in progress, it is also one of the most difficult thing I feel I have to do and although I have all the information, I read the books and know the therory, in practice I still need to work on it.
When the pandemic came close to an end I started facing people, reality and everyday life, with full time jobs and managing the time so I can do all the things I need to do daily, I was highly stressed. I struggled finding a place to work, a place where I can fit in and have that feeling of belonging. I loved doing massages at the salon, but as I mentioned my bosses were not the easiest and for other reasons actually I had to leave. I was also a facilitator in some projects we made with a group of international friends, it was quite a busy year.
You asked if I gained some emotional regulation skills. I did for some time, but I
ll admit Im not good with consitency. But I did them as I do now with this thread, I only practiced when I was low, when things got better, I didn`t give attention to them anymore. I guess I expected since I did them for a while, you benefit me for a lifetime, but I understand it is a daily practice.For me I thought I was better, I still thing. I mean, I moved back in my country, I found something that I like to do, although I seem to struggle quite often financially and hardly have time or money for my passions…, still, the pandemic is over and we started seeing friends and dear people more often. Not sure now… during that period when I wrote my first thread, we were in the middle of the pandemic, but at the same time, I was in a program so I had a monthly income ensured without actually having to work, I would dedicate my energy and time to the relationship and myself… This year there were a lot of stuff, a lot of events, getting back on social life meant also to open the door to social anxiety. I didn
t have a proper holiday, even when I didnt have my job anymore, I worked on the project and also started looking for jobs and stress about my future. I also realised a while ago I feel a lot of fear, my heart stop with medium to loud noises, fear of possible bad events or situations and anything that could happen that can destroy my happy moments, because I also experienced a lot of good and happy moments this year.Sorry for the long comment… just wrinting here made me realise some stuff, at least not to be so surprised why my IBS is more powerful now.
Thank you for being here for us! It is not easy to hold space for such issues in general. You have a golden heart!
MadalinaParticipantThank you, Anita and realy I send lots of good thoughts and love. Living with IBS it is always a surprise and not knowing when it will hit you… it requires lots of observation of our own bodies and mind, so congrats on being able to do so.
I might have to work on the acceptance side also, to accept that this is how I best function and to do it for myself, I tried so much to reconcile so many external needs, as being vegetarian or even vegan, by pleasing other people and being easy because although I always struggled with eating certain foods (my body just knew), at some point I ate anything so I`m not a burden when I go to parties, dinner invitation and other stuff, especially since I became a bit more social. It is quite a relief that you told me a lot of your symptoms got better with dier, hope mine too and will keep me more motivated.
Thank you again!
MadalinaParticipantI
m trying to get on a low FODMAP diet, its not easy since for one year I ate vegetarian and lots of the meals were high FODMAP, but I cut out dairy and the legumes that would cause gas and bloating, and reintroduced some chicken and fish. I have some troubles with sweets and still havent cut out gluten, so its kinda the next step. It feels quite hard though and lots of times stresses me out, also I live with my boyfriend who remained a vegetarian, so it`s always a bit of a drag when we do groceries and cook. I would also go to a nutritionist as soon as my bugdet is better.Did you also used the low FODMAP? What worked for you?
MadalinaParticipantDidn
t know if should open a new topic since its on the same subject so here I go.I also struggle with IBS, don
t have a type, but its a combination of diarrhea and at times constipation, especially before my period. It started years ago I suspect, I remember having troubles with bowel movements since I was a child, it was more on the constipation side back then, but also then as it happens now, I tend to have urgent bowel movements in the most unfortunate moments. I do know its related to anxiety, but lately is intruding a lot in my life, especially my work life. I work as a massage therapist, used to work at a spa, but my problems started and I decided to do this at my home. I just started actually. The thing is I have bowel movements during the massage and have to leave client on the table telling some lie how I have to get something from the other room and other stuff - I do it quite quickly, if Im not in the constipation period. It also started to happen at the salon, its weird, the first months were totally fine, but I know I wasnt eating on a good schedule and at times I would skip meals and have large ones and all the bad stuff you can do when youre with IBS, and at some point, I also had an episode of some sort of food poisoning and hell unlocked. I was also vegetarian for a year or so and I actually believe it has messed up a lot my digestion and IBS, I also became lactose intollerant recently. Btw, its not only the urgent bowel movements, but also the bloating, pain under the rib cage, can`t breath if a had a slightly larger meal and then changes in the stool, plus the rest…My massage practice was a special and safe place to me, but it started not to be anymore. I also realise that sometimes it happens more when people also speak to me, which I do love, I love listening to them, maybe get a little unconfortable when I have to speak and say stuff. Lots of my clients like to talk to me though and I can
t just tell them to stop or to cut the conversation short. A while ago the urgent bowel movements happened when it was related to a romantic situation, it was very connected to the masculine side. I also remember times when I was healthy and fine, in the first two years of highschool, then I fell in love and lots of anxiety came back to me and thats the point when it started to intensify. It was also related to going in unknown places where I dont know if Ill have a bathroom, or with strange people with whom I wouldnt be comfortable sharing all this. If I would go with my uncle, for example, or with some family members, it wouldnt be a problem, but if I go with some new people, or recently met people to a barbeque, I would be very worried.It feels so weird, I
m alsmost 29, this feels like such an imature response and issue, like not being able to control my bowel movements, it brings lots of shame, and now, frustration, because I want to keep doing what I do, meaning the massage. Now Im at home, I thought it would bring more tranquility for me, because at the salon I had a very passsive agressive boss and it was a weird vibe. I also have now worries because I might not have the same environment as a salon, yet, and I hope they feel comfortable… still, its debilitating and makes worried that Im never gonna be able to live a normal, peaceful life.MadalinaParticipantThat is a good example, with me being a mother for an impulsive child, it will stick with me. Thank you.
I keep in touch with both my parents. My mom also helps me out financially from time to time. I had times when I argued with her because of the past. She also left to Italy to work and left me with my father at home. She did it so she can sent us money, because things were bad in my country. I had to understand that at the time and I behaved, growing older I started to tell her stuff about my feelings and that I felt hurt and abandoned, also we kinda fought because I would be mean to her when she wanted me to do stuff her way… like a teenager. Now I moved from that period, she also has mental/health problems because of the past, we live far from each other and we get along pretty well long distance. I don`t want to fight and blame her again…
As for examples of his behavior there… He kinda makes me feel like a child, even though it might sound cute, it isn
t, like hes teasing me like a child – and I told him he should see me as a woman, not as a girl.Sometimes he kinda doesn`t pay attention to me when I say something, he spaces out and when I ask him he tells me he just thought of something else – this one flips me off.
Then I don
t know, simple things like to help me out clean the table, wash dishes and so on - if I ask him, he will do it, but I dont want to have to ask every time for this, just to maybe think about it. Cant help then to think of me like his mother. I have time, so it doesnt bother me, still, it would be nice to him to at least try, we are two people eating in the house.Him not taking initiative in doing things together – walks, or go out for a drink. He`s more excited if more people come along.
Good parts I like:
He is patient when I flip out.
He is very smart, book smart as I never was – he help me see things from another point of view.
He is courageous… and there are some more, just didn`t wanted you to think that is all bad.
MadalinaParticipantYes, you are very, very helpful! I will look into some emotional regulation skills and implement them. It is pretty hard not to cave into my impulses, some time ago I thought I was better at this… actually, I was the opposite, I used to keep it all in so I guess maybe can be a step forward.
I attended some therapy myself last year, a few sessions only, then I had to move and money was also tight. I know sometimes what I have to do in critical moments, it is a bit difficult when the me child comes out and acts on impulses, it
s like I rebel for all those years I didnt, but to the wrong person. He is not guilty for my childhood, he has his own baggage. He just reacts different.He has to fit a lot of roles, father, friend, mother, father and it
s not fair. I do realize that it is so bad... but when he does something that he knows bothers me, I want to revenge myself... But its a duality in this relationship, because I also grew so much in the last years since I met him…Thank you again for listening! I wish you the best. Everybody says the road to recovery it is a long one… I am thinking it is a never ending one.
I am glad you are doing this!
MadalinaParticipantAnd another question: How can I forgive my parents and stop blaming them?
I blame my father for how he was, even this means I am also blaming myself now for how I am… I blame my mother for not leaving when she saw how much pain he caused her… I should have the ability to understand both, I want to, I try to, but still… a part of me, is hurt, is thirsty for love and safety and wants everybody to take care of her.
This is another thing I didn`t put in the previous message.
I don
t have many people around and I am living with my boyfriend, as I mentioned and when he doesnt give me attention, I really snap and go into bitch mode. And he also has had some family trauma and sometimes is a bit distant and I tell him he can talk to me, but it`s very hard to open up… eventually he tells me, but after I tell him that he behaves strangely and that I know there is something on his mind…And other times, when I am blaming myself, when I see I am not that good of a person, I just wonder if would be better of without me. that my negativity and way of thinking might pull him down, especially since he thinks kinda big and wants to have success and be prosperous. While I am struggling with my emotion and find it hard to manage other aspects of life…
My thoughts are kinda messy, looks like a diary page…
MadalinaParticipantHei again!
I am having a hard time trying to calm my mind. From time to time I go back to this and I make it a problem and talk to him and want to cry, because I am so afraid he’ll cheat or lie.I know we cannot be sure of anything on this life, only our responses. I read many psychology books, I am amazed How hard it is to control myself. Fear takes over and makes want to run.
Yes, my childhood was bad, my father is an alcoholic Who had also this problem with trust, anxiety, depression and he became very violent with my mom. My entire childhood was made of 2 weeks of good dad and then 3 weeks or more of drunk dad Who beat mom repeatedly…
I know that what’s happening is because of that and I am scared he’ll hurt me… Still my impulses are pretty strong lately.
You said you struggled with Fear, how was it for you?
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This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by
Madalina.
MadalinaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank so much you took the time and responded me so soon. Yes, I have to admit that lately fear was very present… The things I didn’t do Last year I didn’t do them not because of him, but because of my fear… Not to mention even when I first arrived to the City a nice boy wanted to date him, I liked him, we’d had a lot in comon but didn’t let him get closer to me…
II do have to be careful with this as I had an alcoholic and mostly absent father, also my past relationship were not very healthy… And from 2015 I haven’t had a stabile relationship…
Thank you again, you are really Kind. May your life be filled with all the good you are trying to spread here. Take care!
I will probabily write again, on other topics or similar. 🙂
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This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Madalina.
MadalinaParticipantToday I am grateful for:
1. I am feeling more optimistic.
2. I didn`t had so many intrusive thoughts.
3. I have people around me that love.
4. I am involved in a nice project that allows me to interact with a lot of international young people.
5. I am healthy.
6. The weather is nice.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by
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