This stood out to me:

I tried to control my mood but ended up saying and behaving nasty towards him. Same thing this past friday, I said some terrible things. When I look and see him taking bumps I lose respect and admiration. Obviously I feel terrible with myself and I know it is something I need to focus on healing.

That bit reminds me of my last relationship.  We started out wonderful.  Small things would annoy me and I internalized the conflict we were having and instead of being frustrated with him, I was frustrated with me, focusing on MY bad behavior.  I was always finding fault within me, which would drown out the real issue: this man’s behavior was not in line with my own values.  Hanging out with him felt like I was violating myself, therefore I began having internal distress, and began behaving poorly/not in line with my own values.

So here is what I think I learned from that relationship.  I need to watch that I am respecting my own values.  So if I think drugs are not ok for me, I have to look at why? What are my underlying values?

Personally it is usually because they are not ok for most people because they interfere with a persons life goals and planning for living a healthy, happy lifestyle.  (I could care less tho if someone smokes pot for medicinal reasons, or does perscribed opiates). Additionally I do not respect/tolerate someone subjecting me to illegal stuff that could jeopardize my freedom to not be in jail, impound my car, or the crowd that usually comes with being around drugs.  (I refuse to visit a family member because I worry of the dealers and such that knock her door)

So, you will not have the same values I do.  You will have your own reasons why you generally feel drug use is to be avoided. Yet, imo, it starts with understanding ones values.

So here is how it relates to my last relationship.  I realized at the point that I was “bending” my values to accomodate this man…  was the same point that I was becoming “grouchy” and speaking poorly.  My behavior was a direct result of me losing my own self respect for putting up with behavior not consistent with my values.

So rather than shame myself for my grouchy and poor behavior, I wish I would have listened to it closer.  Had I listened to my behavior, I would have heard what it was telling me:  That I was not honoring my values by behaving like his behavior was “ok.”  I was growing to resent myself and the act of behaving like something was “ok,” when my heart knew it wasn’t, was causing a rift inside of me.

I was subconciously allowing this rift grow within me as I was unable to confront him with my values and reality.  So having two existing and competing realities exist in me is what caused “my mood.” I was feeling the effects of lacking internal personal integrity.

Hi Ann – Marie,

I certainly relate a lot to what you have written.  My upbringing was in an abusive home.  I have had some relationships that also were abusive and I am very awkward socially sometimes, but not always.  Yet it is sometimes enough for me to shy away from trying new things.

In the process of change, I have become more of the person I believe I am but don’t think I fully understand myself yet. Honestly, life scares the crap out of me. Im not great with people I get really nervous in new situations and if I get called upon to speak out I completely freak out even with all of the stuff I’m practising, I don’t get it !!! I hate crowded places, going shopping, being around people too long.

I also shy from crowds, shopping, and experiences where I will have sensory overload.  I imagine many with PTSD feel similarly.

So idk what will work for you but I had a therapist (2yrs ago or so) suggest we simply talk about what feared me.  Then he talked about what I may want to do socially.  I wanted to join a book club.  So he asked if I felt ok just visiting the location of it, but not joining or anything, just visit.  So his point was, baby steps of what was within my comfort zone.  Well, I thought his approach was good but I ended up not signing up for a book club, but have found my own way to be more social.

So I signed up for online dating but with the specific intention of “making friends only.”  So I literally was very clear with anyone who I chatted with that I am not interested in more, just really am shy and am trying to simply practice pre dating skills of hanging out and enjoying myself.  I met and hung out with a few people, had fun.

idk why but I found this method preferable to me than the group meetups.  I was intimidated by meeting up with a group.  I found talking one on one easier.  It certainly gave me a whole lot of practice in my social skills and helped me learn what is ok for me and not.  Idk though, many folks may find this risky or not appealing to them.

I’m curious to hear other ideas as I am now wanting to make female friends but the online dating friend making method seems not ok for this, lol!