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SpinBunny78

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  • in reply to: Expectation is the Root of All Evil? #66340
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    I have thought a lot about this myself recently and I have come to the following conclusion with regards to situations in my life right now:

    I think it’s unrealistic to say you don’t have expectations. Everybody does it’s natural, however I think the way you deal with the outcomes of your expectations is different. If something doesn’t turn out the way you expected that doesn’t mean that life is cursing you or kicking you in the teeth, it may simply mean that the universe has other plans for you and the way you come to a plan or desire may not be in the way you expect. For example I am currently unemployed. I had a plan, I expected things to turn out a certain way then I lost my job and I had to completely change track. I didn’t expect this at all but I decided to embrace it and think ok maybe I’ve been put on a different path for a reason and this fork in the path, although not what i expected may actually be a blessing in disguise. It may not but by accepting that my expectations, in this case have not been met, I have opened myself up to new expectations. So what I’m trying to say really is, It’s not that you shouldn’t have expectations but more the way you handle the situation when you’re expectations are not met. It’s like life, we all must be fluid and embrace change and live in the moment as none of us know whats round the corner. Also expectations are very much down to conditioning. What we expect in life can quite often be what society has told us we should expect. This could be to meet someone, get married, have kids, hold down a stable job etc etc so when we find ourselves planted outside this set of circumstances our expectations aren’t met so we fret and feel bad about ourselves when in fact we just need to embrace the path life has set us on and adjust our expectations accordingly. I think it’s like life, fluid, ever changing. Expectations can be painful but only when we see them as set in stone.

    As Buddha said – All suffering derives from attachment. Attachment causes desire, desire causes misery.

    I take this to mean attachment to a certain idea or person and a perception of how we think things should be, an expectation about how that person should act or how we think a certain situation should pan out. Learn to be fluid with your expectations, have them but know if they are not met that it’s not the end of the world. Choose to ride the new wave and be open to where it takes you.

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61412
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Kelly,

    Thank you for your apology but it’s not necessary. I wasn’t offended as such but I do feel that I’m not explaining things very well and that I’m placing people I care about in a bad light and this is not what I want because it’s really not true.
    I really don’t know how his wife would react because I don’t know her but I personally don’t see anything wrong with giving someone a friendly peck on the cheek whether it be male or female. I’m not conservative in that way, I’m a bit of a touchy feely type. I like to hug people and am very affectionate, it’s the way I was brought up. I understand that some people may take this the wrong way but it really saddens me that we can’t hug and show each other affection in this world without it being seen as inappropriate or in some way sexual.

    As for being excited by the situation, I’m really not. I wish desperately that I didn’t have these feelings towards him because it’s painful. It would be much simpler for me if these feelings didn’t exist and my connection with him didn’t exist but they do so I came on here to try and get some advice on how to deal with the feelings and move past them. However I’m sensing now that I’m not putting myself across very well which is why I said I’ll just leave it here. Nothing to do with your post offending me so please don’t worry about that.

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61402
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Oh dear. I feel like I’m not putting things across in this thread very well at all. Kelly I appreciate your comments but you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Not your fault, my poor explanations I’m sure. The guy at the gym is not some random guy. I used to work with him and we are friendly in a strictly platonic way. He gave me a light peck on the cheek to say happy new year. There is really nothing seedy or distasteful about it. I don’t know why he looked at my trainer after. Maybe I imagined it.

    I certainly don’t look outside of myself for validation and attention either. I have never been that person and I never will. I have been single for a long time purely because I don’t do that. I prefer to be single than be in a relationship just for the sake of it or for as you say “validation”.

    I did come on here for some advice but things are now getting taken in the wrong way and I feel it’s because I’m not explaining myself very well so I will leave it here. I have an idea now of what I need to do so thank you all for your input.

    Much Love

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61395
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Helen,

    Once again you have given me a lot to think about and I genuinely appreciate it. I really don’t know how I would feel if he was to leave his girlfriend for me. I think I would feel guilty but deep inside I know he isn’t going to do that. If I’m honest with myself I know it’s not going to happen. So the question is why am I torturing myself. I’ve tried many different ways and times to let go, to try to distance myself from him, to only have contact with him on a strictly professional basis but it never seems to work. I always find myself drawn back into it all and he won’t let me detach myself either because if I was absent for a week he’d want to know why. I went to the gym the other day, no PT session booked, just to work out on my own and he came over and started chatting to me even though I had just walked in said Hi and gone about my business. I didn’t linger to have a conversation or anything but he came to me which leads me to think that I will have to leave the gym in order to avoid him. Part of me doesn’t want to avoid him because I really love his company but the part of me that is being objective can see I’m too attached and really need to let go some.

    I do tend to torture myself with the “he did this, he did that, what does it mean?” and it’s driving me nuts. I really want to stop doing this so am really trying to take your advice. I have avoided bringing his Girlfriend up as him talking about her hurts me but if he was to bring her up in conversation I would chat with him about her and hide my jealousy. I have done that in the past.

    I’m not sure if there is anyway to release this build up peacefully but I’m certainly going to try. I want to be able to let go and watch the flow of everything without reading too much into every little thing. I want to find that release and the strength to accept that this isn’t meant to be. I’m also concerned that I could be blocking out other potential relationships by having this fixation. I have been reading the meditation document you sent me and that is really helping me to see things in a different way. He is now on holiday for 2 weeks and while I am missing him, I am also going to use the opportunity for reflection while I am not caught up in the middle of it all.

    Thanks again. Much love.

    in reply to: I just don't know what to say #61328
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Hi Denise,

    Is it that you don’t know what to say in relation to a certain subject because maybe you don’t understand it/have an opinion on it or is it more that you are fearful of being judged for what you say so you maybe hold back?
    Sometimes it’s ok to just nod and smile and just listen. Most people listen only to respond rather than understand, so in a way it is admirable that you can be present in a conversation without actually saying much. People appreciate a good listener more than you realise.

    Much Love.

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61327
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Yogabunny,

    I have spent around 18 months hanging in there, hoping something may change but it doesn’t. I can only assume that he is committed to his girlfriend. He used to mention her but he doesn’t anymore. Sometimes if he is telling me about his weekend or something like that he’ll say “we went to the theatre” or something like that and by we I’m assuming he is talking about her but generally she doesn’t come up in conversation. I mentioned a guy that I was seeing a while back once and he got a very strange look on his face. Almost like a hurt look. Again, hard to explain. I’ve had a lot of trouble with work lately and have been flitting between jobs and at times it has looked like I may have had to leave that gym. Last time I finished a job he said “will you still come here if you get the other job?” and he had a genuine look of concern on his face like he was scared I’d be going. Maybe I should go. Would be interesting to see if he kept in touch if he was no longer my trainer/instructor.
    I am pally with a few guys at the gym and after christmas earlier this year one of them came up to me and asked for a New Years kiss. Nothing pervy at all. He’s married and just a sweet guy and gave me a peck on the cheek to say happy new year. After he did it he looked straight at my trainer as if to see his reaction. They are both very pally with each other.

    The thing that bothers me most is when he goes cold. it’s kind of obvious that he’s doing it on purpose. He tries to act like I’m not there but then I catch him looking at me when he thinks I’m not looking. He does that a lot too. He stares at me when he thinks I’m not paying attention but I’m so aware of him I always feel it. It’s the connection again. So hard to explain but sometimes we even move in sync and mirror each others body language. I do believe in past lives and soul mates and I do believe that he is one of mine. Hard to put into words but I do feel it with all my being. I’m glad you understand what I mean. I really don’t know what the answer to all this is. Fight or flight.

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61162
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    You say “I should point out that he has never gone beyond the boundaries of friendship and probably doesn’t really know how I feel about him. I think I have become swept away with the chemistry and fantasy but I have seen an ugly side so I don’t have him up on a pedestal.” Just curious, what is this “ugly side” of him you refer to? Do you mean the fact he has (in my opinion) crossed some boundaries in your professional relationship? Or is there something more?

    I guess by this I mean that he can blow hot and cold with me. It’s like he feels he’s getting too close so the next time I see him he may be distant or if we’re in a class full of people I can see him purposefully trying to avoid eye contact with me. It’s been a bit of an ongoing merry go round. I don’t know why he does this.
    With regards to us texting, I don’t text him, I email him but only usually about PT and what times I am going to see him. I also do a Spin class with him and He usually books me on automatically for the following week and one night he emailed me at 10pm to tell me he’d done so. Nothing flirty. He has an email address seperate from the gym which he gives to all his clients as he does PT work away from this gym also. It’s just part of his service of support for his clients. I have his phone number but I don’t use it. I work out plenty hard enough with him trust me but in between sets, during a 10 mins warm up where I’m going steady on the cross trainer and during warm downs and stretches we have time to chat. We have done charity work together etc etc this is where I have got to know him. We have exchanged emails of a personal nature because we have a lot in common and share tastes in movies and music and hobbies but I wouldn’t say they were flirty in nature. There is just a closeness when we’re together that is hard to explain in words. It’s an invisible thread between us, the way he looks at me and holds my gaze for longer than is normal. It’s a connection that is hard to get across on here but like I said I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining it all. I’m good at hiding my feelings so I’m not sure if he knows how I feel. I have never just come out and told him because like I said he has a girlfriend and I don’t feel it would be appropriate. I never thought about him saying things like “we have an out of this world connection” as inappropriate but I suppose now you have mentioned it, it is for a trainer/trainee relationship. I sense he may be as confused as me. He’s trying to maintain professional boundaries but sometimes forgets himself. Like you say the heart wants what the heart wants and we can’t always help showing what we feel inside no matter how we try to hide it.

    If only talking to him about it was that easy. The thought terrifies me and while I understand what you are all saying about its up to him to protect his relationship is true I still wouldn’t feel right telling him how I feel knowing he has a girlfriend.
    If I’m being honest I do want him, of course I do but I know that we don’t always get what we want and sometimes just have to suck it up. I believe he has come into my life for a reason and obviously I’m drawn to him for a reason but maybe it’s not meant to be romantic in nature. Maybe he is in my life to teach me something about myself.I think love is a beautiful thing and we shouldn’t have to hide it if we love someone we should just shout it from the roof tops. Part of me wants to hang in there Yogabunny but I really hate the thought of being branded a home wrecker or immoral as I already have been.

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61083
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your responses. I am truly grateful for all of your thoughts and opinions. There are a few varying view points and trust me I am looking at this from all angles.

    Nikki – I appreciate your honesty. Truly. I don’t think you are rude but I can see I hit a bit of a raw nerve as you stated that you are scared of this happening with your fiance. I think a lot of what you have said makes perfect sense and I have taken what you have said onboard. I know this whole thing is doing me no good at all and something does need to change because its the what if’s that are killing me.

    Helen – Another wonderful response from you. I totally agree with everything you have said. When it comes to the reciprocated feelings I have asked myself a million times if it is only percieved on my part because you are right, it’s totally in his job description to be friendly with everyone but I do sense there is something else there. I’m a fairly intuitive person and am not one to kid myself. No one is more surprised by the apparent affection he has for me than me so I have questioned it plenty.

    Emma – Your response is totally different in a way to the others and you also have some valid points.I think we should be free to love who we wish and we can’t help loving someone but acting on it is another matter. Similar to The Ruminant’s response, people come and go, should we embrace the feelings and see them for what they are then move on or make a choice to act? I truly believe that even people who are in committed loving relationships feel themselves attracted to other people at times but if they truly value the person they’re with they don’t act on it. That doesn’t mean the attraction isn’t there.

    Anyway I have a lot to think on. My heart has been telling me to hold on. My head tells me to let go that no good can come of it.

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61065
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    The trouble is Nikki, I have no problem with your response but if you read my previous posts you will see that I have clearly stated I am not encouraging the situation because I know he is in a relationship and that is why I have made no moves to start anything. I can’t help it if we get on really well. This doesn’t mean I am about to try to steal him from his girlfriend. I’m sure he has other clients that are attracted to him as well. I respect his relationship. Like I have said I did not write this post to ask for advice on how to steal somebody’s lover. I am not that person. I wrote it for advice on how to get over this situation because it hurts. You are right if he wanted to start something then it doesn’t say much about him but thats fine because I would never start anything with someone that was in a relationship. I’m asking for help on how to handle a difficult situation. I haven’t come on here to ask how to be a relationship wrecker. Quite the opposite. I was hoping for some advice on how to overcome these feelings and deal with them when I know nothing can come of this and I got some good advice which I will take with me.

    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61061
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Thank you so much Helen. I have saved the PDF to my computer and will definitely read.

    Thank you also for your kind words. It is a bit of a pickle because I don’t necessarily want him out of my life completely. My feelings for him aside he is a great trainer and believe it or not they are hard to come by. I’ve had a couple of awful ones.I’ve been with him for nearly 2 years. I didn’t have these feelings instantly, they took months to surface, the more I got to know him.
    The last thing I would ever do is cause trouble for him or his girlfriend, I think like you said I just need to work out a way to cultivate that peace about the situation and if I fail then move on. I do love my gym and thats half the problem. I don’t really want to have to leave it. I try to ignore the way his face lights up when he sees me or the way he’s constantly beaming when he’s with me. Have told myself a million times its wishful thinking and that I’m imagining it but deep down I know I’m not. I feel a lot of love for him inside but keep it to myself. People have told me to tell him how I feel but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I often think most situations in life are exactly what we need at the time and that we attract all these experiences for our souls growth. I just don’t know what this one is supposed to be teaching me yet.

    Much Love

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by SpinBunny78.
    in reply to: The pain of loving someone you can't have. #61025
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Thank you for your responses.

    I realise it’s unhealthy and thats why I want it to stop. I do need to find another trainer because I find being around him quite painful at the moment because of these feelings. I do think about his Girlfriend all the time and that is one of the reasons I would never push for anything to happen but the connection is there and these things are hard to ignore. I should point out that he has never gone beyond the boundaries of friendship and probably doesn’t really know how I feel about him. I think I have become swept away with the chemistry and fantasy but I have seen an ugly side so I don’t have him up on a pedestal. I realise if he was my boyfriend things would be different, I know relationships are hard and sometimes downright ugly but I guess I’ll never know what a lovers relationship with him would be like.

    I would love to try meditation to try and block out thoughts of him but I haven’t really mastered meditation yet.

    Matt I love your statement about Infatuation eroding when you face reality and thats what I need to do. It’s all too easy to live in a world of what if’s but its not helping me at all so thank you.

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