I do hate how much im willing to wait for him to be the man i need and know him to be, Im completely inlove and i am attached to all people i grow to love, i hold great value to those i love and i consider them irreplaceable. Its so complicated because he is a good man and he cares for me, im probably the closest and most important person in his life and i guess i just want more from him, i fully know that his drive and focus to make a success of himself is whats stealing alot of his time and energy and as a partner i need to be patient while his on this journey to success, its going to mean he has less time and energy for me especially because his an athlete. What did scare me was that his phobia was stronger than his love for me and he allowed a break to go on for almost 3 months which i find mind blowing because he and i use to be completely against breaks, he and i didnt have much family to rely on and we were just 5 months into living in our own place. Maybe it was all the pressure and arguing that caused the distance between us, perhaps that was a contributing factor to his phobia that he didn’t want to be limited and living unhappy. It angers me to think about how he could do that to me and a part of me is fearlful of bringing up the break conversation too soon, I know i have to give it some time and allow us to be happy and reconnect and fix what was broken with the new relationship we have. He is definitely trying and i cant expect too much from him so am appreciative of the happiness we currently have. Him and i are very much about self discovery and we both reflect on our childhoods to figure certain things about us and that has been working where we create a safe environment to really dig into our past and how that perhaps affects our current relationship. Its difficult for him to cope with emotional based conversations but i encourage him to explore into what makes him tik and why he is avoidant.

He truly was going through an identity crises, he has so much fear and anxiety because of our relationship being so serious and our personal growth going nowhere, we both started clashing and becoming resentful and suddenly things were complicated and we weren’t doing very well as a couple nor as individual and he panicked because he couldn’t see himself stuck like this being incompetent and us arguing. He then just wanted to detach himself from everything. he felt like a failure because he was failing not only within himself and career but also failing me and our life together, he couldn’t handle the pressure and all that came was his fight or flight. I was so sure he was going to end things, he became someone i didnt know. I couldn’t believe someone who was suppose to love me could do what he did but some how he overcame his anxiety and slowly started moving closer to me, i told him many times he needs to distance himself from me if he no longer wants me in his life, i told him to stop texting me and stop trying to be nice to me and he couldn’t handle me ignoring him and he just started drawing even closure. I at that point felt like he no longer wanted the break and initiated that we end the break and be a couple again but he still hadnt gotten over his anxiety of commitment, providing for me and taking responsibility for our life together was something he had great fear for but somehow during that break he overcame his lazy habits, stepped out of his comfort zone, looked for ways to help his financial status and found his masculinity again. I truly think he behaved like a coward who does not deserve me for running away and abandoning me because he feared the responsibility but he day by day worked through it, i did help him alot and try to open his eyes to his actions and how hes behaving unreasonable. Well for the last 2 months things have gotten better and we are in a much better place that we were before even before the break, he respects me, he protects and cares for me, we have open communication and he has managed to get his sex drive back which has put him in a much better mood. Yes i do have some pain and anger for what he did but i have forgiven him so that i can heal, I am alot more cautious with my heart and we are still yet to talk about the break and really bury that horrible time in our relationship and that needs to happen in its right time. i am alot happier and so is he.

It may seem that all my focus is on this relationship and him but i came to this forum for specific help with understanding the troubles in my relationship so i have only shared my in depth thoughts based on this particular matter. As well to get alot off my chest as this was an extremely difficult time in my life.

To ensure this type of thing never happens again, i will need to have a conversation with him getting to the bottom of why he did it. By understanding his reasons and showing my support for how he felt i can get him to hear how he significantly hurt me. and from there i hope to get a promise that its not okay to do that and that he will do his very best not to have it happen again.

I think that every child who has had a rough relationship with a parent seeks the closure when they are adults. My boyfriend has many bad habits and little ticks that causes a reaction out of him which is not always pleasant but its all due to his childhood. He has had many inconsistency and he had to face things on his own and he finds comfort in not being responsible for anybody but himself, We were madly inlove and we were the perfect couple and he was always the one to progress and take the steps in our relationship so he wanted us to get this serious but he couldnt handle the responsibility of taking care of me in all aspects of our life living together. Things became routine and monotonous and we stopped being the young ambitious people we use to be. He lost his drive and the spark and became depressed  after his loss and it caused troubles in our relationship where i was overworked and resentful. We argued alot more than normal and he eventually just wanted to be single and there was nothing i could do to change his mind.

Hes very focused on building his financial struggle up, hes decided to be a personal trainer, his going to do some modelling now and he might be coaching part time at our gym as well as online English teaching. I love that his growing his ambition and goals. I of coarse am a little concerned about him not having time for me and for us. but if i want us to work long term i have to grow with him before he outgrows me. This may be harsh and a horrible things for me thing for me to be thinking but its very possible. He has told me before that love bubbles him in and makes him lose focus on his goals, So on one hand things are progressing between us as we balance out our day to day lives but i feel i should focus on building hobbies outside our relationship because he feels very boxed in and guilty to do things without me. I dont really have close friends anymore and im very picky with who i surround myself with. Hes my best friend but i dont want to limit him in anyway even though its very hard and i still hold alot of  pain because of what happened 2 months ago. We havent had any conversation about the break or gotten any closure and i feel myself becoming a little dependent on him because of the insecurities i have and the fears that i hold inside. He doesnt know how much the break damaged me and i dont want him to see me as weak or needy. Its difficult to juggle my unresolved pain and progress in my self growth. but ill take it one day at a time.

He wants to go hiking with his friend on sunday and i got a little disappointed because he told me he would take me to this specific place to hike and ive asked him to plan a romantic date and its been 2 weeks and ive still not been taking on that date, i told him id be happy if he just plans something romantic at home but for the last 2 nights his little sister has been sleeping over at our place so we havent had much opportunity to be alone at the right time to have a good heart to heart conversation.

I cant tell if he wants to grow a life with me or if hes just building his own life and theres a good chance once his doing better he will flake on me again.

i cant tell for sure but i can see how that may cause the lack of interest in sex. Things are slowly progressing but id like for us to be in a romantic intimate relationship, how could i change things so that it doesn’t develope into a mother – son dynamic. He also has started saying things like “you going to love me forever?” and “your my favorite girl in the whole world” and i love hearing these things but i cant help but feel nervous when he says stuff like that, he even said ” despite what happened over the last 6 months, i thnk we can be very successful, this is only the first year of us living together and we havent really struggled that badly” i love hearing his optimism and seeing him be so loving towards me but i always have this thought at the back of my mind that i must let what he says get to my head and that he may feel this way now but things can change very quickly.

As for our sex life, its not only just towards me he has this low sex drive, he doesnt even have motivation to masturbate. he says he struggles to get excited for sex or even feel horny to masturbate. although we did have sex one morning which was great for the both of us.

This actually worked, I requested him to do something and it was done when I got home. I also asked him to plan a romantic date even if its a romantic evening at home and he went to go buy some candles. The issue he is dealing with now is he struggles to get sexually excited. He gets aroused at odd inappropriate times when him and I can’t do the deed. He doesnt seems to think about sex as often and doesn’t notice the signs that I’m turned on or feeling attracted to him.

Exactly. He has become so lazy in his effort and if i think about it…. Its because i allowed him to slack down. I always just shrugged off when he forgets things or doesnt put in effort. If i kept my standards from the start he wouldn’t be lazing around. I need to started making for requests in what i would like. Like ask him to plan a date or plan something romantic even if its just at home. I allowed him to just forget about our anniversary and there was zero repercussions. Its really draining and disappointing being with someone who doesnt put in effort to make you feel special. I make sure he always feels like his 1 in a million.

I agree, I dont know how long i can pretend im okay with what happened. He has so much guilt around the pain he caused that he will try and justify it all to himself, im bothered he doesnt feel the need to apologize for what he did, im angry at his lack of effort to win me back. He knew i was fighting for the amazing love we once had but to him life grew stagnant and with that loss he faced he became hopeless minded and he became lazy and incompetent in our life together which made me bitter. I do want to speak to him about everything but im waiting for the right time.. having a serious conversation like this too soon can send him back into his anxiety fight or flight mode. He somewhat understands he has a problem emotionally but he doesnt know exactly how to fix it nor where it comes from. He fears that feeling and i cant fix him, he loves me but fears his own emotions when it becomes too much. Him and i became serious to the point he knew he needed to step up as a man but had no drive to actually chase his dreams let alone become financially stable for us to have a future. I grew bitter from doing everything around the house and him being emotionally unavailable. I tried so hard to connect with him that I began to look clingy, i loved him with all my heart but i guess i chose to ignore the signs of him battling internally. When we started arguing more and i started telling him how i felt (all my negative emotions) i expected him to step up and make some changes because the guy he became wasnt the guy i knew him to be. But instead me confirming how hes failing was the last straw for him and he broke down. He wanted to give up on everything. He couldnt face the reality of the man he became so he ran, he tried running from himself. He wanted to be reckless and free so that he doesnt have to feel that way anymore. all that was left was a Arrogant, selfish, ruthless, heartless, emotionless, depressed, confused, and broken man. And i was the shattered woman with tears in her eyes banging on the doors of his heart.

He has really shown a different in hes care for me, and if i want to truly make things work between us i need to pick the right time and the right way to bring up the break.

Im way more emotionally aware than he is, he useto be open to emotions but he now sees it as a vulnerability.  He doesnt know how to handle emotional conversations anymore and he gets anxious when i vent my negative emotions to him (its never about him) but he tries to end the conversation as soon as possible. Its so annoying because we have read so much of the book Men are from mars Women are from venus and that taught us so much about our different needs and why we clash… but he seems to have forgotten all that we have read and learned.

I wish he could be that sweet guy again that planned dates and was romantic. I wish he could take initiative an take charge of our life together. I love a man who knows what he wants and isnt afraid to take his claim, i hate that we aimlessly dating but not actually have constructive conversations that could heal the past and lead our future in the right direction. I unfortunately am dealing with a commitment phobe with childhood issues. That means it isnt as simple as just putting my foot down and demanding what i want. He also needs to feel safe, trusted and comfortable in order for us to work on the issue together and all i can do is allow him to progress in his own time and space. I help him as best as i can and try not make the same mistakes as in the past

His very lazy and his at home during the day as i am at work but everyday i come home to a messy house. Its tiring but i try and not feel resentment in his habits. i need to communicate what i need from him and allow him the opportunity to make certain steps.