The issue is that he and I both know all that we have been through and felt together. We have shared highs and lows and have always been there for one another. The issues we have been facing is due to lack of separation. He has issues, I have issues and we didn’t get enough time apart to work through our troubles. I can admit now that I have not given him enough space to be himself and he has admitted to being the reason I have become so clingy (an incident where he blamed me for having interest with a guy) he handled the situation as if I did something so terribl wrong that I eventually cut off alot of that part of my life and just put all my time and effort towards us. He was happy and so was I but he rely struggles to communicate his needs for space and he was somewhat insecure about guys hitting on me so it was a very difficult period where we could not understand each other and what’s the best thing for our relationship. So with all the bottled up stress on our rationship. We both tried and we both were trying to figure out the right way to do this. And with everything that’s happening we are learning to invest more into ourselves. We both know that we do sacfrifice certain things for each other and it’s not the right type of sacrifice. Yes there is fear and yes there is love.. We are like best friends regardless of our failed attempts at what this relationship needs. Over the last few days we have been giving each other alot of space, we allowing each other more trusting privacy and we are focusing on ourselves for now. We just needed time to reflect and to air out the bad attempts that has slowly turned into resentment. So far we are more attracted to each other than we have been in a long while. He had opened up to me about how confused he is and how he feels like we should start over and get to know each other from the start again. He also opened up about not knowing how to live on his own and how he doesn’t know how to exist and do things on his own and it bothers him. His a man trying to be the best version of himself and he has led this relationship and me down a very disfunctional path. He knew what he wanted with me and he knew our relationship needed some changes for us to grow long term. If you knew him the way I do you’d understand the chaos that is surrounding him. We tried to have the no contact rule which ended in him asking if we will be spending Christmas together. I gave him the opportunity to choose and he said he wants to so we ended up going around to his and my families. He then invited me along to his family outing to the beach yesterday, we still giving each other space. He and I have great conversations everyday and we get along much better with all the expectations and pressure gone. Yes there is some growing pains involved with either of us spending time apart as we not so use to but we are handling it well. This all has happened only in the space of a week from wanting to end us completely to us giving each other space and getting along alot better, having sex twice in one night and neither of us is high or drunk. The more we try and avoid showing our interest in each other the more it slips out. He has gone back to his habit of speaking to me in his gentle voice and occasionally playing with me. He did this thing yesterday that we only do as a couple and that’s taking my hand and twirling me in any random public place. And part of the no contact is to not share where we going or communicate for any reason… but clearly that is far from what’s happening. He hangs out with his friends alot more now and they aparently will be going out tomorrow night which is a very scary step for me cause we never go to clubs without each other but I’m keeping calm and remembering some things are out of my control and I can do best with what I can control and that’s myself. We both believe that emotions are temporary and it’s like weather.. it will soon pass and that’s what has happened with us, alot of the resentment and pressure has faded and now we left with nothing but our good connection. We both keep it as minimal as possible and we avoid too much couple like behaviour so that we can use this time to grow. We believe that people can change and grow so that’s why it’s difficult for us to just give up on each other. He knows my family and I know his. He is 24 and I’m 23. I have recently lost my job which resulted in us starting our own business selling clothes. I said that I would step away from the business but he said that would not be a good idea in the case that we split and I’ll have no money.  I think I need more advice on how to maintain a healthy relationship with a man especially one has great vision of success for himself. How can I be healthy for myself and for him.

Is there too much resentment for him to see his love for me or is there a possibility of me proving to him I can give him healthy space to find himself and to be himself.

His own personal life challengers build up steam. He has alot going on with his day to day training and he worrys about his future and obviously he worries about his financial issues. This all builds up a little bit of stress and im always trying to make it easier for him and alot of the time i feel like i dont get much back in return. But i know he tries but his just not that guy i loved him to be, the guy who brings nothing but positive energy to me and tries to be his best self for me. The guy who made me feel special and would show me off. I have to respect that he is young and he has alot of growing to do and his focus is very much on his career and success right now. Im patient enough to support him through this part of his life but i just dont want to be hurt again. He wants an interesting sex life and a passionate relationship but he has not put in any effort.

You are quite right about that, Its quite tiring balancing between his and my needs. I feel ever since we moved in together I have lost touch with my hobbies and friends and my life with him has been my only priority. We might be spending way too much time together so that leaves very little time for us to miss each other and for us to appreciate each other. I do have trouble trusting him and his friends so i think that is why i dont encourage us spending too much time apart. But i feel that i need to let go of things i cant control and just try and create a happy life that doesnt revolve around him and whatever happens will be on him. I  have alot of fear after the pain he put me through but i feel for us both some healthy distance is important. I know the heartache that i endured has caused me to have very little trust. The reason he fears commitment is because of hes fear of being trapped, and i dont want him to feel trapped and feel that he cant be trusted. He has recently told me that we need to have more friends and that we need to get more away from eachother, He said that he cant miss me if hes always spending time with me.

He has very bad habits, Hes not very tidy, he sleeps late. he procrastinates. His lifestyle is very unreliable and irresponsible at times. Ive had a conversation with him regarding the household and i told him that whether he lives with me or by himself he needs to handle his duties around the house. I am a lot better at cleaning but Ive stopped doing everything so that he can learn to take responsibility and take initiative. He has made an effort although he at times still relies on me to remind him or tell him to do it. He always had people taking care of him growing up and letting him be lazy and sleep late so now hes really battling to learn a healthy productive lifestyle and responsibilities. Ive started thanking him a lot more often and showing him recognition for his small efforts hoping that will make it easier and motivate him to be consistent.

I feel he probably feels like if he were to go through this part of his life alone it would be alot easier. He feels strongest alone. Although i bring so much positive benefits to our life he still feels pressured by his need to provide and i can imagine how scary it must be for him because our life together requires him to step up and be a man and he has never needed to provide, protect and take care of anyone other than himself. He was very selfish and single minded before he fell inlove with me, and everytime he has come to face a failure in his career it has made him question everything he is as a man and that resulted in the 2 breaks we had over the 2 years 7 months of us dating. Hes career is the most important thing to him as it is to alot of men, a career gives them a sense of purpose , security to provide and competent status, I only learned that recently and it makes great sense to why hes so affected by his career. He trains everyday and is exhausted everyday but he spends what free time he has with me and sometimes he isnt in the best of moods and he just kinda looks to be left alone to be in his own head. We useto be crazy inlove and life was simple, we went on romantic dates and spoke on the phone everyday. We knew how serious we felt about each other. He at times became very distant and i became very insecure but we always made it through the difficult times. He knew he could not provide for me if we were to get serious regardless if i could provide for myself, a man does not feel like a man if he is unable to provide and contribute. So thats my dilemma, he is seeking to reach the security of being able to take care of his woman and possibly a family one day so he is very busy and trying all sorts of ways to bring security within himself and financially. Learning what drives a man has help greatly with understanding my complicated relationship. It was very difficult bringing peace to my heart when he kept changing the reasons for the break One moment its that he needs to figure himself out, the next is that he cant be so settled right now and then he blamed it on lust issues…. he was very indecisive whether he wanted to be with me or not. All that time he was going through a low and he just wallowed away at home with no ambition… that all came from his inability to provide and lack of security as a man, he felt incompetent in more ways than one. I demanded his love and effort but he was so down in the gutter he felt like a failure and wanted to do nothing. I became angry and resentful and he become resentful because i could not understand his pathetic behavior and he could understand why he could not get out of that dark place until he had enough and needed a fresh start… which resulted in his heartless 3 months of our break.

We have recently found out that his mom and stepdad is getting a divorce. As for him and I things are going good. He is very level headed and much more understanding and hes showing initiative in our life together which im happy about. But i still have not had the conversation about our break. I dont want to have it too soon and i feel im bringing it up indirectly and showing im not going to tolerate less than i deserve. I dont exactly know how to start that conversation because i know all he will want to do is protect my feelings and not ruin how good things are going between us which is another reason why its difficult to pick a timing because i too dont want to ruin things but how can i let go of my inner distrust towards him, most of the time i forget we even had a break but then i realize that this man is unpredictable and until he feels that he has found himself as a man… there is still a chance he may break my heart in the future. He said many things and gave me many different reasons for needing that break but none of which made sense. And i cant assume i know what was going on in his head… I know he would want to sound like that break was necessary for him and that the reasoning is far bigger than our relationship.  He will never own up to a stupid decision driven by stupid emotions… he will try and justify and make it sound like he knows what hes doing. Trying to get a head strong person to confess their wrong doings is like trying to move a mountain. Although i am still positive… it still infuriates me that he is continuing our relationship innocently and has never apologized for the pain he caused me.

I too have had been exposed to alot of negative things as a child, and my family still have negative tendencies that cause an upset tick in me. My boyfriend keeps me level headed when visiting them and i keep him level headed when we visit his mom and step dad. He is very aware now of how his emotional trigger towards his mom and hes handled it very well. He has developed a great defense and no tolerance towards her which has been working out. He and i having childhood issues and us learning and discovering together has brought us closer and also allows us to bare more of our vulnerable side to each other. I am the closest person i his life that has reflected him om himself… What i mean is i make him aware and conscious of who he is. I always help put things in perspective and offer him great advice as his journey goes along. I have used my childhood battles as purpose  to grow and stay conscious and to never become people like my family.