Hey Anita,

1. Yea I feel like I should have had a job. Is that wrong / unkind?
2. Yea I do feel this way. I didn’t feel like myself, I didn’t feel like who I used to be, I felt so aimless and to be honest I can see how it wasn’t attractive which I completely agree. I don’t enjoy being in my current state of being a man with no purpose/job.
3-5. Yea it’s more of like “You shouldn’t do that. You shouldn’t have made that mistake.”

I don’t think I’m shaming myself here just telling myself I shouldn’t have made those mistakes.

I think what made me really crack a few months ago was really the people that surrounded me weren’t the most supportive. I was getting a lot of pressure from the people around me to get a job etc, even in this market and I’ve been trying really hard. I don’t get to hear a lot of positive motivating words like “Things are hard now and you’re trying your best it’s okay keep going.”. So because i rarely heard those things, I think in my head I felt like yea maybe I didn’t need to hear nice things and I deserve to be in my current state and I should struggle as much as possible to get out it. I understand that it’s not their responsibility to be nice and supportive to me but that’s probably what influenced me to feel that way?

I think in an ideal world, there would be a fine balance between supportive words of encouragement with 0 pressure from people around me and also on my part, I’m trying my best to create as many opportunities as possible and also be as kind to myself as possible.

Hi Anita!

Challenging my inner critical thoughts is something that I am working on! I know it exists and how to deal with it. I think I need to be more mindful when things get tough.

Thats a very good point. I look back and think about the ways I enjoyed loving my partner, I enjoyed doing things for her, getting her small gifts, making her laugh and smile.

Now that you mention it, why does it feel less rewarding if I do those things for myself? I can buy myself gifts, do nice things for myself but they dont feel anywhere as good as doing it for someone else?? That’s normal right? That’s supposed to be why relationships are fulfilling right?

Q

Hey, it’s been a while. I just wanted to update here 3 months later. We broke up in July, haven’t really been in contact for 2 months. I still miss her and would like to work things out with her. In the mean time, I’m still on the job search, trying relentlessly. I’ve been seeing a counsellor to help with the pain of the break up and frustration with the job search. I have ups and downs in waves from the break up. I still care very much for her and hopes she’s doing well. Even in my least emotional state, I still feel that we can reconcile and make things work if both parties want to.

I think i want to ask a couple of things

1. How do I overcome thoughts of “I could have done better. I should have said this or that.” -> right after an interview. So far, I’ve just been acknowledging it, challenging it and telling myself that “My comments are hindsight now, sure I could have done better, but at that point of time, factors like nerves, not being able to craft the perfect sentence to respond is all part of the process of the interview.”

2. How do I know I’ll be okay and I’ll get over my ex and if we’re meant to be, things will fall in place naturally?

Q

Hello Anita, i hope you are doing well! You mentioned that you had some suggestions for a grounding exercise. Could you please share them with me? Thank you!

Ive been interviewing and I still catch myself googling things like “how do i know if i did well in an interview”. It feels funny typing it out and I acknowledge its something i cant control since it’s over.

Relationship wise – I feel much stronger and resilient now. I was holding on too tightly and it’s like holding sand. The tighter I hold the more I lose. So now im completely relaxing myself and trying my best not to worry and show signs of worrying.

Everything might take days, weeks, months to pass but eventually it will pass. And whatever happens happens.

Cheers

Hello Anita, thank you for your response. To be honest I’m managed to deal with things myself and reassured myself everything’s gonna be okay. I’m quite embarrassed to say I wrote everything here out of anxiety hahaha. I notice you comment a lot here and leave a lot of kind messages when people need it. You have a good heart!! Feel free to share your thoughts!

I’ve come to the conclusion that everything I’m going through will eventually pass with time. And if things don’t work out, it just means it wasn’t meant to be and more importantly I’ll be okay. I’ll be grateful for what I have. Thanks for listening!