Hello Anita,

What should I have written? I am currently in that “down moment” that I mentioned hahaha and I’m thinking hard about what I want to hear. I don’t exactly know what words can help me feel better right now. I’m trying to self-soothe by reminding myself that

1. I did my best at that point of time and was genuine in everything I did.
2. I simulate a rejection from her and practice accepting the situation and gracefully bowing out.
3. I tell myself if she doesn’t come back, I will 100% find someone better.
4. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Q

Hello!

Thanks for reminding me. I went back to re-read everything and I cringed hahaha. I’m feeling a lot better now, way more confident and I can feel like I’m recovering well now.

“Later on, you shared that the two of you broke up in July and that you didn’t speak since the breakup.” A few posts ago, I wrote that I did reach out and expressed my interest in working things out. However, the response wasn’t particularly warm and at best in my most delusional state it was lukewarm hahaha. Anyway, I did make the mistake of trying to connect and chat over text. In hindsight, I should have just left her alone after expressing my interest but I think that’s life I have to make these kind of dumb mistakes and feel the consequences before I fully internalize it.

“What if you contact her and ask her if it’s truly over, as far as she is concerned.. if there’s any chance of getting back together..?” So I won’t be doing that because that will only put her on the spot and very very likely push her away. That’s kinda like relying on someone to give you closure when closure is something you should seek yourself. I’m living by “Why would I want someone who doesn’t want me? That’s so icky.”

Although I must admit, the desire to reach out comes and goes in strong intensity and it requires a lot of patience and discipline to not act on it. Maybe this whole relationship was really just a lesson for me for the next one. Life is strange.

Q

Hi Anita,

Hope you’ve been well.

I noticed, I have been quite frustrated recently whenever those thoughts come to my mind and i catch myself talking to myself saying “Please, not again, im tired of this”. The hardest part for me is drawing the line between ruminating and suppressing my feelings.

As much as I would love to accept the reality, I’ve been in this internal back and forth of wanting her back and it has been exhausting hahaha. Some days when I feel like I’ve made a breakthrough, the following day I just feel like complete crap. More noticeably, I notice myself feeling like “Moving on and dating other women feels like i’m cheating on her.” I feel so uncomfortable and partially disgusted for “cheating” and have to tell myself otherwise.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Q

Hello Anita,

Hope you had a great weekend.

I think it’s hard for me to try to let go because I know the path to getting back to a similar state is going to be a function of time, luck and some hard work. Tbh, I believe most of it is time and luck which is out of my control hahaha so something that will keep me in control really is holding on. I think it’s human nature to want to hold on even if it hurts. Somehow we are wired this way and we have to make a conscious effort to move regardless. I’ve been working hard on myself, my schedule is packed with physical exercise and work etc. But during idle periods, my mind wanders and i remember what’s been hurting me the past few months. Is there any emotional equivalent of a physical gym then I can work on by myself to handle whatever I’m going through right now?

Q

Hello Anita,

I think we are on completely different timzones hahaha. I don’t know, it’s always on my mind, I try to distract myself with work, exercise and pretty much anything I can find. It’s been 3 months and it’s still lingering in my mind. Some part of me feels like maybe i’m just not strong enough to walk away and close this door. I’m just afraid of taking that leap and closing that door for good. Even though, I always believe there will always be someone out there better for me. Stuck!

Q

Hahaha thank you very much!!

She’s been quite vague with her responses. It’s been ~2.5 months since we spoke? I directly expressed my intentions to reconnect and see where it goes with her (romantic intentions). She told me that she said she doesn’t feel confident working things out and how things will be different and the best she can do is be friends first and we can see how it goes from there. But something felt off and I thought she didnt want to chat and was only being kind by replying me. So I wished her well and walked away, I gave her a very easy out she didn’t have to reply or anything. But she did said she wouldnt be confident without being friends first without any romantic expectations and wished me well. So that’s the confusing part to me because I interpreted that as “i’m not fully closing the door but i need to take this real slow with 0 expectations”.

So I don’t know. I’m quite lost. I do miss her as a person, I still have feelings for her. I don’t know how to approach this while maintaining my dignity and self-respect. I don’t wanna come off as begging or being needy or anything. Another thing is, I’m feeling more confident, getting back in the momentum of life and feel like I’ll be ready to start dating in a few weeks time so ya I wanna have some fun hanging out with someone and see where it goes. Part of me says i’m being impatient and if i start dating while telling her i’d like to hang out with her that feels like i’m having her as a backup option which isn’t nice and I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me as well.

~Q

Hello Anita,

Thanks for checking in on me. I hope you have been well Anita.

A lot has transpired over the past week. I managed to find a job. However, it does not fully resonate with what I’d like to do but i’m just trying to be grateful for having something now and will find something better in the future.

I don’t understand why I cannot let go of the past and move on to a new relationship. A part of me wants to try to reconcile things with my ex and i reached out last week to chat but it wasn’t an extremely positive response. From what I understand, she isn’t fully closing the door but isn’t very hopeful about it either. We can’t really meet in person for about a month until she’s back.

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling very torn between wanting to not cling onto the past and also wanting to date her and see where it goes. I personally feel like these 2 ideas can coexist because I can let go of the past while also desiring to see her romantically again.

I notice that every time I tell myself to fully let go, my brain throws me good memories of the past to remind me not to. And recently, I noticed my brain throwing a tantrum “why does it have to end this way? life isn’t fair.” and I don’t know what to do / say lol.

Q

Hello Anita,

Thank you for your kind words. I share the same feelings as you a few months ago but the relationship made me feel like I wasn’t worthy enough, as if I wasn’t good enough to be loved. And I think it has been rooted in me that I am unable to get out of this rut until I officially get employed. I know this isn’t a healthy thought and is something I’ve been trying to overcome ever since the break up.

My purpose now is to get back up on my feet, whatever it takes. And afterwards, continue to work towards my goal of finding a meaningful job.

I agree with what you said on the mistakes part. I need to work on overcoming guilt from my mistakes.

I am trying my best to be kind to myself as much as possible. I’m trying to be partial when taking responsibility, not excessively allocating too much to myself. As giving compliments to myself, I’m trying my best to find something positive to say every day.

At the same time, I can’t help but feel like the negative feelings I have for myself is validated by the break up and the person who initiated the break up. I’m trying to get over that and convince myself that the right person wouldn’t have done that to me but I know I have some responsibility myself.

Q